Are You In An Unhealthy Relationship? Guest blog by Maddy (The Great White Oprah)
1. Is my relationship abusive or unhealthy?
-Firstly, if you’re asking this question, that’s a clue. If someone asks you if you feel safe in your relationship and you can’t immediately, uninhibitedly say yes, that’s a problem.
-An abusive partner will separate you, if not isolate you completely from your family or friends. There could possibly be an ultimatum, verbalized or otherwise, a threat about what might happen if you decide to hang out with anyone else. The more time you spend with friends and family, the less power your abuser has, so they don’t want that.
-An abusive partner will invalidate your feelings or reactions in order to maintain control. Phrases to look out for include but are not limited to “are you STILL upset about that?” “Why can’t you just let it go?” And “we were having such a good time, don’t ruin the good times we have.”
-It should also be stated that the best abusers will not be all bad, otherwise they’d have to get new victims more quickly. My abuser cooked for me, took care of me when I was sick, drove me to surgeries, held my hand at the dentist. These positive experiences make question 2 harder to handle.
2. If I’ve concluded that my relationship is unhealthy, what do I do now?
-DTMFA. (Dump The Mother Fucker Already) It sounds difficult, but you’re never going to want to do it, they’re never going to make it easy, and this relationship will never get any better. It’s a piece of duct tape covering a patch of skin: rip it off now or later, but it’ll hurt just the same and the longer you wait the longer you deprive your skin of oxygen. (Did that make sense?)
-They WILL try to make it harder for you to dump them, using any tactic they can to make you stay. Mostly, they will try to make you feel bad for leaving. Shake it off, stand your ground. Don’t let the jedi mind tricks work on you. You will only feel worse if you try to break up and they win.
3. How do I recover after an emotionally abusive relationship and a nasty breakup?
-Get all the bad out, and fast. Rebound with stupid people, eat/drink things you’re not supposed to, annoy your friends with the horror stories of your crazy ex. Wear condoms, nurse your hangovers, and bingewatch a new favorite TV show, something you and your ex didn’t watch together. Doing this quickly is important to prevent from becoming a pathologically obnoxious alcoholic, so get on with it.
-Forgive yourself. Beating yourself up for putting up with that shit, waiting that long to leave, et cetera won’t help, so say you’re sorry. Say you’re sorry to yourself, for letting that go on, for letting yourself get that badly hurt.
-Take care of yourself. Carry a water bottle, three square meals and a snack, wash your face before you go to bed, things like that. It matters a lot more than you think.
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