Listeners share their deepest darkest struggles and darkly hilarious “awfulsome” moments via email and surveys. Also a contemplation on the life and death of transgender teen Leelah Alcorn.
This episode is sponsored by SquareSpace. For 10% off your first purchase go to www.squarespace.com and use offer code MENTAL
To view Paul’s SquareSpace site (and his dog park pics) go to www.paul-gilmartin.squarespace.com
Episode notes:
This episode is sponsored by SquareSpace. For 10% off your first purchase go to www.squarespace.com and use offer code MENTAL
To view Paul's SquareSpace site (and his dog park pics) go to www.paul-gilmartin.squarespace.com
Episode Transcript:
Welcome to Episode 206 with no guest. Today we’re just going to reading emails and surveys.
This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace recently launched the latest version of their platform, Squarespace 7 which has
a completely redesigned interface, integrations with Getty images and Google Apps, 50 templates and an incredible feature called Cover Pages so try the new Squarespace with a free trial at squarespace.com and enter the offer code mental at checkout to get 10% off. Squarespace, Start here, go anywhere.
I’m Paul Gilmartin. This is the Mental Illness Happy Hour - two hours of honesty about all the battles in our heads from medically diagnosed conditions, past traumas and sexual dysfunction to every day compulsive negative thinking. This show is not meant to be a substitute for professional mental counseling, it’s not a doctor’s office, I’m not a therapist, it’s more like a waiting room that doesn’t suck.
The website for this show is mentalpod.com. It’s also the Twitter handle you can follow me on. Go check it out. You can read blogs by me, blogs by guests that we’ve had write for us, you can post in the forum, you can take surveys, you can see how other people responded to surveys, you can support us financially. You can shop through our Amazon portal and that contributes money to our thing, our crazy thing that we do here and a new thread in the forum: Ask a Mental Health Professional and so far we have 7 mental health professionals and social workers that are lending their services. Just keep in mind that they’re busy and they have full schedules, they may not be able to answer your question immediately but they’re... Go check it out because each one has a little description of what they kind of specialize in and ... yeah, I hope you find it helpful. I’m trying to take my shirt off as I’m broadcasting and it’s no going too well. I can’t really multitask anyway, I thank you so much for your outpouring of support and concern over my mood which I was honest about in last week’s episode – the Ian Gutoskie episode and it was... Ian and I had recorded that episode just a couple of days before it aired so it was what I was actually feeling about that time. I’m happy to report that...how do I phrase this delicately... I’m poopin’? which certainly helped my mood and I think my meds, my new meds are starting to work. My doctor added some Abilify to my cocktail of other meds and that seems to be helping. I played guitar for the first time in 2 years almost last night and the night before and it feels really good so I’m hopeful but thank you, thank you for your support and your concern and go fuck yourself. It just seemed like I was getting a little too nice there and I had to take you down a peg because you were getting a little too full of yourself, let’s be honest. You’re a little full of yourself.
I have this idea and maybe it’s crazy but I’m a hugger. I love getting hugs and there are times during the day when I just am absolutely craving a hug and I know I’m not the only one like that so I was thinking what... isn’t there some sort of little festival or get together we could do in the city and call it ‘Hug Fest’ and it would just be... maybe this sounds cheesy as hell but you know groups of us just going out getting coffee, sharing, and having... Just hugs. And maybe everyone could be issued a badge of three different colors of your choosing: red which could mean don’t hug me. I’m just kind of here to check it out; yellow which means ask before you hug me; or green which means ‘Bring it on. Bring it on bitches. Let’s hug it out’. I don’t now Hug Fest. I want you to think about it because you know as I was thinking about it, I would be so excited to go to a place where I just knew I was going to get hugs all weekend. So, I know I can’t be the only one but my wife is not a hugger. She likes hugging me – who doesn’t like hugging me? Huh? Ugh...
This is the January... this will air on January 2nd but I’m recording this on the night of January 1st. I don’t know why I felt compelled to mention that but for those of you who were not watching the news last year I just want to catch you up on what you missed. Just 6 kind of big news items. Probably the biggest one is Bill Cosby’s defenders have not yet been raped by him. Armed white men are still afraid of unarmed black men. The rich are still blaming the poor. The ice caps are gone but the Kardashians are still here. Texans are still uncomfortable with gay thoughts and both parties are still sucking the dick of Wall Street.
‘My God, somebody does what I’ve been doing...I’m ashamed...You have boundary issues...I feel guilty for hating my mom...I will be high by 4pm...You feel helpless... I will be in hell by 4:15... Prison was not easy but I deserved it... I think I’m just addicted to lie... I rubbed my body in mud, laid in the swamp and didn’t move for 6 hours....I looked forward to and dreaded each meal at the same time... I’d be like I desperately, desperately, desperately wanted to talk about it but didn’t know how to start the conversation... And that’s when I called the suicide hot line... A good Craig’s list experience is if you are alive at the end of it... That is when I first felt love like I first felt... Reaching out to the people and sharing with the other people... This intimate connection where people do stuff for each other without wanting something in return... yeah, I just surrendered... I think I was 28 and I think that was the first time I ever experienced that and it was amazing...’
Well I hope you enjoyed our new opening mantage. What did I want to say? I don’t know, let’s get to some surveys.
Yeah, I knew I needed to go on meds a month or so ago cause I was just getting... I was starting to look at Anna Wintour and say I hope I can be that happy some day. That’s how I knew... Gotta love an Anna Wintour reference. That is always a badge of your masculinity when you reference Anna Wintour.
This is a Struggle in a Sentence – and I may be biting off way more than I can chew with the stack of surveys I have. They are up to my nose so hold on. Go fix yourself a little tea.
This is Struggle in a Sentence filled out by a woman who calls herself Sunflowers about her anorexia she writes “I broke the hungry switch in my body. Now I have to remind myself to eat when I get dizzy or weak”. About her sex addiction “Fuck that empty feeling out of me. Fill the hallowness. You know the drill” About her OCD “I’m so ashamed. Am I making this up in my head? I won’t do it. Something is poking a neuron in my brain egging me on ‘Don’t do it. Don’t do it.’ I did it. I’m ashamed.” And about borderline personality disorder “The world is a needle dragging on my sunburned skin. I don’t feel like I have a soul.” Wow, very articulate. Thank you for that. Dare I even say poetic?
This is a Shame and Secrets survey filled out by Kate. She is bisexual, in her 20’s raised in a pretty dysfunctional environment.
Ever been the victim of sexual abuse? “Yes, and I never reported it. My first sexual experience was at the age of 14 and I didn’t know it was assault until my early 20’s. It really paved the way for my future sexual experiences. I’ve frequently just frozen and been unable to say no when I wanted to.”
Ever been emotionally abused? “Yes I didn’t realize until just recently that my parents made life my harder for me. I have borderline personality disorder and a lot of their treatment caused that.”
Any positive experiences with your abusers? “There’s not point in telling my parents what they did to me. They wouldn’t accept or believe it. My mother is still so critical and whenever I talk to her I still feel humiliated and get in a rage. I then feel guilty for being angry at her.” Wow, I can’t imagine how many people are nodding their heads and saying ‘Me too. Oh my God, me too.’
Darkest thoughts: “I’ve spent most of my adult life wishing I could disappear.”
Darkest Secrets: “I’m borderline so my entire life is pretty much a secret from everybody.” I would suggest that you have borderline personality disorder and you are not borderline because it is not the totality of who you are.
Sexual fantasies most powerful to you: “I love rough sex and I like to be submissive. I love it with a partner I trust but when I’m single and I’m sleeping around it gets me into situations I don’t like.”
Anything you’d like to say to someone but haven’t been able to? “I wish I could fix things between me and all the people I’ve pushed away in my life.”
Anything you wish for? “I wish I could get my disorder under control. I wish I wasn’t so angry and emotional all the time. I wish I knew who I was”. I think DBT – Dialectical Behavioral Therapy would be a great way to help get your emotions – I don’t know if ‘in check’ is the right word but a way that you can live with your intense emotions which is the hallmark of borderline personality disorder and fear of abandonment. Anyway, thank you for sharing that.
This is from a guy who calls himself Not the Man I Used To Be. Hi, Nice to Meet you Again for the First Time. I’m just going to read some excerpts from his.
Darkest Secrets—Oh and he’s straight, in his 40’s, raised in a pretty dysfunctional environment.
Darkest Secrets: “Oh man, this is going to suck as not another living soul knows this about me..” This is one of my favorite things to read when I’m reading a survey. I love the stuff that people have never shared with anybody else, anyways “My marriage has been spiraling downwards for quite some time and is by now by and large sexless and has been for some time. My wife is a good person who, despite any natural urges or opportunities would never cheat. She is beautiful, smart, talented and fundamentally a good person and a great mom but we’ve simply grown apart which is simply a way to preface that I’ve had affairs. They’re not so much about getting sex but the high of someone wanting/lusting for you raw and sincerely as opposed to the ‘OK, let’s get this over with sex’ that I’ve been getting at home. Invariably these affairs are impossible to maintain so occasionally I turn to the occasional sex worker. I had a regular girl for a while who was paying her way through grad school by working in the sex trade. She was pretty, intelligent, clean and as I was paying for it, I could be selfish, make it all about me and she was good at making it a positive experience for me—not just sex but listening, commiserating, hugs and snuggles and compliments. Whether it was sincere or if she was just that good of an actress, I don’t know but regardless it worked for me. She must have finished school as her number no longer works and I’ve taken to seeing a new girl. In the meantime, I’ve had a few sessions, to relieve the build up” and he puts in parentheses ‘Fuck that sounds horrible’ “But these are not nearly as fulfilling and leave me feeling cheap, dirty etc. afterwards. What’s worse is at the core, I believe in monogamy if I was with a person that loved me for me but I’m not in that relationship now. I’ve asked my wife to go to therapy years ago, consistently but it wasn’t until I asked for a divorce last year that she agreed to. It was beneficial in so far as improving our co-habiting, co-parenting roommate relationship but the magic is gone--too little, too late. So I think I’m going to put my foot down and finally ask for that divorce after Christmas. There’s more to the story but perhaps best saved for another survey or something. I think I’ve rambled.” Well thank you for sharing that and I think everybody deserves to be in a relationship that feels....Oh let’s read his sexual fantasies. I want to read these because they’re so specific which I am always.. well let’s be honest, I like reading people’s sexual fantasies. No need to qualify that.
He writes “I have a serious kink for a women in Lululemon pants – I don’t even know what Lulu...Lulu must be a specific color...I don’t know what the fuck Lululemon pants are, anyways, “in Lululemon pants, spandex pants, pantyhose/tights/nylons the kind that are skin tight and cover from legs to belly button-ish. Something about what you can see and what is left to the imagination. My fantasy is to get head from a woman wearing something like that, 69ish angle.” He’s going so far as to say it could be a 70? Which is basically a 69 where one of you has your thumb in your ass? “So I could rub my hands all over her ass, legs and crotch as she sucks my cock. Then I rip a hole in the crotch and the fun gets more diverse. Aside from that, I’m pretty vanilla. I was once told that maybe a side effect of me growing up without internet porn and having to masturbate my way through puberty to the underwear section of Sears catalogue. Makes perfect sense to me and I’m cool with it.” Yeah, you know. It doesn’t matter what it is that gets us off or where it comes from though I’m endlessly fascinated by it.
This is an email that got that says “Hi, how are you doing? My name is Grace. Please, I will be happy if you will reply me in my email address so that we will chart more about us. Thank you and God bless you” Well I am intrigued by this and I don’t know how I will reply in her email. Is that code? Does she want me to blow a load in her email address? I don’t know, Grace, you sound like you’re putting some pretty heavy subliminal text in this very nice and inviting email – you sound extremely friendly. And I love to chart with people – I love getting together, getting a compass and some other type of geometric device that is failing me at this moment but I’m going to have to look into this Grace because I’m assuming that this is something that I can bring my wife with because there’s nothing she and I enjoy more than a sketchy encounter with somebody grappling with the language.
This is an email I got – a correspondence I had with a listener named Jan and I posted this as a guest blog of hers on the website and I want to read it because I think it’s so powerful and this is—obviously that last one was a joke, this is not a joke. She writes: “I had an abortion 4 weeks ago. It’s hard to describe how I feel about it. I don’t think there are many emotions in the human vocabulary that I haven’t felt in the I began to fear I was pregnant until the present moment. I had the wonderful fortune of a loving and open-minded boyfriend and immediate family and close girlfriends who supported my decision to terminate the pregnancy and yet I feel totally alone. I know that statically 1 out of 3 American women has an abortion in her lifetime and yet no one speaks about it. I have a history of anxiety and depression and extreme sensitivity to hormones so the entire process has leveled me physically and emotionally. Listening to your podcasts with Gillian Callahan, Sasha Ray, and Sheryl Kline were extremely helpful. Despite the fact they had miscarriages rather than abortions and I’m so grateful to you recording those podcasts. If you’ve had a guest who’s spoken about abortion, forgive my ignorance. I hardly know where to begin but perhaps it would be most efficient to name some of the emotions and thoughts attached to them. Terror that if I had a baby, my life would be ruined, that my boyfriend of only a few months would abandon me to raise a child on my own and I would be trapped in my dead end job indefinitely and doomed to live in poverty for the rest of my life. Fear that I would suffer so badly from postpartum depression that I would be physically and mentally incapable of caring for a baby if I gave birth. Bewilderment that I became so easily that it didn’t occur to me to be more responsible in attempting to prevent the pregnancy. Disgust with the way pregnancy hormones made me feel and with the very smell of food. I lost 10 pounds in the 4 weeks that I was pregnant. Disconnection from my body which began to go through changes I didn’t like and wasn’t prepared for. Rage at anyone who might feel justified in judging me or forcing me to give birth to a child I didn’t want. Anxiety that a protestor might attack me physically on the way into the abortion clinic. Paranoia of being ‘outed’ as having had an abortion and rejected by my extended family and the people I work with. Nervousness over having a medical procedure that is stigmatized and shrouded in mystery. Sadness for the fetus whose life I had terminated. Obsessive hypochondria inspired by the strange symptoms the resulting hormonal imbalance caused and continues to cause like dizziness, migraines, nausea, shortness of breath, nerve pain, muscle spasms and fatigue. Relief at finding the actual procedures was quick and simple. Disbelief that it was really over and that I no longer had anything to fear or dread. Worry that I had gotten off too easily and that some unforeseen punishment still awaited me. Guilt that I deprived my parents of a grandchild. Happiness that I had gotten my future back. Gratitude to the women who work at the abortion clinic for their kindness and bravery. Pride as a feminist that I had taken my right to terminate an unwanted pregnancy. It certainly isn’t everything I have to say but it’s probably enough. You and your podcast are a wonderful comfort to me. Thank you so much.” Jan, that is—I’m just so grateful to listeners like you who are able to borrow deep down to your soul and articulate it in a way that those of who haven’t experienced it or those of us who have and want to feel that we’re not alone, can experience. So thank you so much for that.
As you know I like to pepper some humorous moments throughout the podcast. I don’t know if I’ve ever shared this one before but I like a good awfulsome moment and this one happened to my friend Jim Buck. Jim was at his father’s funeral and Jim had a little boy at they time. And so they’re at the wake and Jim’s little boy says to him in a very loud voice so everyone hear ‘Dad, what’s in the box?’ and the place just falls silent. So Jim leans down and whispers to his son and there’s a pause and then you can hear Jim’s kid say again, very loudly ‘When’s he coming out?’ At which point everybody laughed. That may have been one of the best awfulsome moments I’ve ever heard.
This is a Struggle in a Sentence filled out by a women who calls herself Lavia. She is straight and in her 60’s and her struggle is a serious health issue called Sjogrens Syndrome—I think I’m pronouncing that. I think the J is silent. It’s an autoimmune disorder. She writes “Sjogrens attacks the exocrine moisture production system. Hallmarks include dry eye, dry mouth, fatigue and generalized pain. I often drag myself through the day counting the minutes until I can go home and lay down again. It can impact all kinds of things but for me right now the fatigue is keeping me from being as active as I would like to be and living the life I want to live.” Sending you some love. It sounds like a real fuckin’ handful...
This is a Shame and Secrets survey filled out by a transgender female who calls herself Diana. Diana is pan-sexual in her 40’s raised in a pretty dysfunctional environment and then she puts in parentheses “Don’t worry, I’m in therapy.”
Ever been the victim of sexual abuse? “Some stuff happened but I don’t know if it counts. I think a scout master kinda sorta molested me. As a grow and learn more about the world, I realize that this guy likely had a foot fetish.” Are you sure you’re not thinking of the movie Moonrise Kingdom? “He had me convinced that he was looking at, and feeling my foot to learn more about foot and ankle bone structure. I was always on my stomach and he was behind me so I have no clue what he was doing. Amazing what you’ll believe as a dumb kid.” I would just say ‘as a kid’ yeah, I don’t know why I felt the need to defend children... “He also hypnotized me once in a while. No clue what, if anything happened, during those periods.” That definitely sounds like this dude was gettin’ off on something...
He’s been emotionally abused. “Lots of verbal and emotional abuse growing up from both mom and dad. Sometimes there was physical abuse as well – corporal punishment.”
Any positive experiences with your abusers? “I love my mother and I know she tried her best with what she had. My father... not so much.”
Darkest thoughts: “Sometimes I worry that I’m not actually trans. I worry that I grew up so fucked up that I’m transitioning for the wrong reasons.” I can’t imagine what a mind fuck that must be on a given day.
Darkest secrets: “When I was younger I would habitually steal cash from family members.”
Sexual fantasies most powerful to you. “All my fantasies involve me as a completely transitioned women being fucked and loved by a good man. Sharing that makes me feel like it somewhat legitimizes my transition.” To which I would say, you don’t have to legitimize your transition to anybody and just remember that everything is on a continuum and everybody is fluid in some way or another. You know I found myself the other day, debating in my mind – and I’m straight – debating in my mind about which Black Hawk that - my hockey team that I like in the NHL, which of their player’s is the sexiest, and then for a second I was like ’Wow, that sounds pretty gay.’ And then I was like ‘So what, so what, you know?’ But I think there’s that part in us that we want to know. We want to know that we’re securely in whatever box it is... I don’t want to say which one I think is the sexist of the Black Hawks. Oh, I’m feeling very self-conscious right now...I can not practice what I preach! I can sometimes but right now I’m feeling, I don’t know. I’m afraid I’m being made fun of and I think that’s why I wanted to say that. And it’s not that I don’t have sexual fantasies about men but I do appreciate their beauty and I think that’s totally normal and that I’m OK with. It’s a progress I guess you know? Becoming comfortable with all the....I don’t know... I just bored myself. I literally just bored myself into a coma. You couldn’t hear it but a bunch of EMTs came in, they hooked some tubes up to me, they shocked my heart back and here I am... Is there anything else from her?
What if anything do you wish for? “I wish to have my body and the way I present myself to the world match what I feel in my head and in my heart” I’m going to read— those of you in trans community and really in the the LGBT community and hopefully wider than that are aware of a tragedy that happened yesterday or maybe it was the day before with a young trans teenager named Leelah Alcorn who took her life and she left a very heart-breaking poetically beautiful note before she took her life and I’m going to read that later on in the podcast, toward the end of the podcast so I think that will speak to a lot of the stuff I want to say right here about Diana.
Have you shared these things with others? “My wife is aware of my sexual fantasies. Back when we used to have a sex life, she would periodically help fulfill them to the best of her ability.”
How do you feel after writing these things down? “I feel somewhat unburdened. Not a cathartic cleansing of any sort but every little bit helps.”
Anything you’d like to share with someone who shares your thoughts and experience? “Follow your heart and you will be happy. I ignored mine for 40 years and I finally feel like I’m getting my life on track.” And by the way, I don’t know how people in the trans community, and I like to say trans community a third time, feel about the Amazon series ‘Trans Parent’ but I’m really enjoying it. I think it’s really good.
This is another very curious email I got from a woman who calls herself Trudy and she writes: “Hi, do you remember how we made love in your car? Like it was perfect – the stars, moon, sky and the lights of the city. Here is Russia that does not happen again. I want you to come if you do not mind. Write me.” And I’m confused because the subject line says “I want to come to you from Russia. You do not mind?” It sounds like our paths are going to cross Trudy and that would be unfortunate but I took out my compass and other geometric devices from my previous email from Grace and I have calculated that your and my paths will cross somewhere in Spain but it’s also possible somewhere in the Atlantic ocean so I’m going to ask you to bring an extra set of dry clothes in case I have to jump out of my plane and you have to jump out of your plane somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean. Unless you want to head east and I head west – maybe that’s a shorter route. In which case, bring dry clothes but have it be shorts because it will be somewhere over the South Pacific. Oh my God, was that worth it? I don’t know if that was worth it but I d enjoy a good spam. I love the sincerity of the spam. My favorite spams are the ones that start with ‘Hello Dear’. Has anybody in the last 100 years referred to anyone as ‘Hello Dear’.
This is a Shame and Secrets survey filled out by a woman who calls herself Elle. She is straight, in her 20’s raised in a slightly dysfunctional environment.
Ever been the victim of sexual abuse? “Some stuff happened but I don’t know if it counts. When I was 12 a school janitor would regular talk to me in hushed tones and tell me I was beautiful when no one was looking. I knew it was weird but didn’t know how to say no so I sort of played along.” By the way, parents who minimize what their children are feeling and don’t really listen to them and don’t nurture their independence and their voice, this is one of the ripples, the potential for things like this to happen where kids are cornered by adults and don’t know how to advocate for themselves. Just my two sense, anyway... “Things escalated and he started giving me hugs. At one point he kissed me on the cheek and got me to lay down with him on the floor. Nothing further happened that day but it could have gotten worse if I didn’t tell my brother. He told our mom that we were going to play baseball in the park and he took me to school after hours with a bat. He threatened to beat him up in a very dramatic fashion. The janitor looked like has going to cry and swore never to touch me again. He never even looked at me again. I reported him to the school the following year. After being questioned over whether or not I was lying, they fired him.” Always nice to grill a child over whether or not their lying. “But I don’t think it was ever reported to the police and the school never told my parents. It’s a secret between my brother and I ever since. I always blame myself for enticing him.” You did not entice him. “And getting him fired since he didn’t technically do anything bad.” Oh no, he did something bad. That was completely wrong what that guy was doing, and just because he didn’t touch your genitals doesn’t mean that that wasn’t abusive. That was... Yes, you did nothing wrong. She writes: “As an adult I know he did something wrong but as I look back I still feel like a dirty little slut.” Isn’t that fucking amazing the lengths that we will go to, to beat ourselves up?
Deepest, darkest thoughts: “I have every disturbing, morbid, dark thought you could think of. It’s like I’m daring my mind to go there. Child rape, murder, you name it. I envision it just because I can. I don’t enjoy the twisted images but I can’t stop. It’s compulsive and I have no ideas why I do it.” Fuckin’ celebrate it, you know? I do that, sometimes. I’ll just go ‘Thank you brain. Thank you for that image of someone’s head being lopped or jumping off of a building because I want to know what it feels like.’ Whatever, just be grateful that you have a creative brain. And it’s not who you are. The thoughts that pop into your head are not who you are.
Darkest Secrets: “I don’t know if this counts but it’s been bothering me lately. People thinks I’m extremely individualistic but I really have no idea who I am. I have very few opinions, interests or principles. Everything is just a mask. I wish I was a real person. How does a shadow live?” Wow, that is a beautiful sentence ‘How does a shadow live?’ I would recommend listening to two recent episodes. One with Laurenne Sala and one with Lauren Ashley Bishop. Those are both excellent episodes just on their own but especially if want to get into the topic of wearing a mask and not even knowing what it is that you want.
Sexual fantasies most powerful to you: “I have submissive fantasies of being spanked and raped. It makes me feel dirty and ashamed. I don’t know why I’m like this.” Who cares, who cares why you’re like that. It’s not a bad thing. Find somebody that’s into sharing it with you and have fun.
What, if anything would you like to say to someone that you haven’t been able to: “I wish I could tell my grandfather who died when I was 13 that I love him. He was a mean drunk so he was left alone when he was dying from cancer. No one consoled him and I realize now that his anger was the result of fear and sadness. I wish I could have made his passing easier by just giving him a hug and staying by his side.” You know what I think as I read that? Find a senior citizen that you can give some affection to, do something nice for. You know may be even go into a retirement home and if you have a dog, bring a dog in for the people to pet or bring an aggressive dog to kill the crabbier old people you know. Just riffin’, just off the top of my head. Maybe a nice pitbull could take down probably 7 or 8 seniors but make sure you don’t feed the dog first ‘cause that’s not going to be efficient.
What if anything do you wish for? “I want to stop wishing for death. I want to stop feeling loved. I want to be OK. There is nothing more.”
How do you feel after writing these things down? “Incredibly sad. I don’t even know why I exist.”
Anything you would like to share with someone who shares your thoughts and experiences? “I wish we could all give each other a hug.” Yes! Hugfest. You would get so hugged at Hugfest. I guaranteed by the end of the weekend you would not be feeling incredibly sad and you would not be questioning why you exist. We gotta make Hugfest happen. And for some reason in my brain, Seattle keeps popping out as the city we should do the first inaugural Hugfest. Maybe we should do it in LA. Why the fuck am I traveling? Why are you guys making me travel? You greedy mother-fuckers, no you come here to LA. All right, I’ll come to Seattle. You know what? We’ll meet halfway – Portland. That’s where we’re going to do it. You jump out of your plane. I’ll jump—you know what let’s let the planes land. That way we don’t need to bring an extra set of clothes and I’ll grow my pompous barista handle bar moustache and we’ll meet in Portland. I don’t know why I’m taking down Portland. I fuckin’ love Portland.
This is an Awfulsome Moment filled out by, actually Lynn emailed this to me and she write – because I had shared in a previous episode about being sad and constipated and by the way, there’s nothing better than getting a dozen emails from people telling you about Miralax. God bless you guys. She writes “On being sad and constipated, this is an awfulsome moment for you. My partner of 25 years had a heart attack 15 years ago and died in our driveway. After getting through with the hospital, I came home. I was taking a new pain killer that made me very constipated. I was on the toilet and in a terrible state part-way there with no further action when the coroner called and I had to answer his questions. It doesn’t get worse than that in my opinion.” And I would agree. Wow, talking to the coroner while you’re grunting – between grunts! There was actually a couple of times last week when I thought my eyes were going to shoot out of my head. I’m not kidding. I started to see stars. I share too much on this.
This is a Shame and Secrets survey filled out by a guy who calls himself Lazy Bed Star. He’s my buddy already. Anything about laziness or bed, you’re my pal. He’s never been sexually abused but he’s been emotionally abused. “My father was a perfectionist rageaholic. He hated my mother’s side of the family, wouldn’t’ let me show emotion to them without some sort of shame. He would get into a violent rage, punch holes in the walls, toys destroyed. He always apologized and told us he loved us, which is true, he does to this day. He would die for us, I know it. I hate my father. I love my father.” Wow, that’s deep.
Darkest Thoughts: “That I want to tell my father how much of a piece of shit he is and then leave him forever hoping he kills himself over how much hurt he has caused his son. The other side of me that comes out when I hear a touching song makes me want to go to my father and tell him I forgive him and love him.” Man, that is a parental relationship in a fucking nutshell. Thank you for that, Lazy Bed Star. It feels weird sometimes calling you guys by your pseudonyms. Thank you for that ‘Straight up the Bump Hole’. That was really beautiful how you eloquently described getting out of your childhood pain, ‘Knitting Needles in my Eardrums’.
Darkest Secrets. “Since age 18 I’ve had a steady gambling problem costing me so much through the years. I just could not stop thinking about a losing session and once I get paid, I have to go back and chase. Pure madness. Also since about that age, I’ve been copying people’s personas. I would see different people, friends, celebrities, people at work. I would like something about them and mimic them to other people who don’t know them. I’m a fraud. Could never be myself – whoever that is.” I think a lot of people feel that way. I have had moments like that so often where I’m like ‘Oh, I’m so boring. Who am I even.’ Yeah, I think that’s normal. Especially when you’re raised in an environment that is emotionally invalidating because your instincts are just hammered back. Any time your instinct tries to come forward and give you a sense of self, it is just beaten back by an abusive parent’s narcissism.
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This next survey is actually an Awfulsome Moment filled out by Gordon Heavytoes. I love their version of the Edmund Fitzgerald. He is in his 30’s and he writes. “Late one night I called my psychiatrist. To make the call I had to take the loaded gun away from my head and replace it with the phone. He told me”—by the way you never want to mix up your phone and your gun cause, yeah, you can think you’re going to be put on hold and...I could not have executed that joke any worse. “He told me to go to the hospital. He told me the hospital to go to and I went. They took my shoes and belt. The next morning, I entered the common area. There a guy with serious anger problems – we wasn’t there voluntarily – was playing with a deck of cards. I had a hand injury that required physical therapy and part of the therapy was learning card flourishes. You now when someone does a weird shuffle or fans the deck, those are really basic flourishes. So I started talking to Mr. Rage. He got frustrated that he was having trouble shuffling and was about to throw the deck with all his angry might. I stopped him and promised to help him learn to shuffle. Out of habit, I fanned the deck. Imagine a magician doing the pick a card thing – the way they hold it is called a fan – he was amazed. I spent half an hour teaching him to fan cards. He was holding the deck to hard so he couldn’t do it. Eventually I convinced him that a loose grip is better even if a few cards fall. His reaction ‘See, that’s that these moron doctors need to do is show us a real example of how much easier things are if we’re not fighting so hard or worried about if we fuck up. I wish we had group right now, God damn it.’ Turns out the entire group of patients and workers were watching us while I was helping him with the cards and they all burst out laughing at his outburst. He did too. By the way my suicidal episode was caused by a really bad reaction to a new medication I was on.” And that new medication was prescribed by David Copperfield. I might have made that last part up. That was very Jimmy Pardo of me. I have a lot of Jimmy Pardo moments in my life. For those of you that have never listened to – Jimmy is one of my best friends - and if you’ve never listened to his podcast, it’s called Never Not Funny. It’s one of the best podcasts out there and he’s one of the pioneers, he started doing this in 2006 and he was a great guest on this here podcast.
This is an email that I got from a listener – how does he want to be referred to? I think he—Mike, he wants to be referred to as Mike. He writes, “Hi Paul, I just want to through something out to the listeners that I might feel alone with a certain issue. For me I’ve already struggled to eat around other people. As a kid the noises made by people eating at my family table made me want to explode. I would sit there at times with my hands balled into fists just wanting to fight for flee, neither of which was an option. My parents made fun of me and just told me to get over it or ‘Shut up and eat’. I really can’t remember back that far to address whether I was able to articulate what was bothering or no but no doubt I was. People making chewing noises absolutely make rage and hate well up inside of me. My mom makes the word mastication even sound dirtier than it is. She must liquefy her food inside her mouth entirely. She’s always the last done with any meal because she’ll chew the same bite of food for minutes on end and yes, I’ve timed her. It is disgusting, not to mention that she can slurp something like chips because her manners are so bad.” She sounds like a treat. “ Anyway, I could go on and on but it wasn’t until I was in my 30’s that I stumbled up on the term misophonia which literally translated means ‘the hatred of sound’. Just a quick look at the Wikipedia page will tell you more about it. It was such a relief to know that I wasn’t alone in my intense hatred for such noises. My wife and I don’t often eat together and if we do, there has to be some noise—TV, radio, etc. I’ve known a few other people to find that they suffer similarly, and every one of them was absolutely floored to learn that this was a problem that other people had. I can only remember one person on an episode a long time ago that had similar issues. I don’t remember if she mentioned misophonia by name but it was they lady that dealt with Asperger’s as her main struggle in life.” That episode was listener Louise. “So if you could give a shout out to”—I think it was Louise. I think that’s what we called her. “If you could give a shout out to misophonia--not too loudly as the noise might bother some, it might help some people to feel less alone.” Thank you so much for that, Mike. And I just put up a guest blog by Ellen who I read something she wrote about living with Turrets an episode or two ago and she’s written another guest blog for us about living with Turrets and I’ve just posted it so I highly recommend you go and read that.
This is a Struggle in a Sentence survey filled out by a guy who calls himself—he’s actually a young guy between 10 and 15 years old—I don’t know why but that is a horrible category that I have. He’s between 2 and 60. Not really sure where he is. I should change that. I should do 10 to 13 and 13 to 15. Note to self. Anyway, his depression he writes “It’s like hitting a wall that you can’t climb over when everyone else can.”
Snapshot from his life: “Crying in the shower. The water is too cold.” I don’t know if he means that he’s crying because the water is too cold or if he feels that it is too cold because of his depression. I’m not sure but either way just that image of a young kid crying in the shower really moved me and I just want to send you a hug buddy. I just want to give you a hug.
This is a Shame and Secrets survey filled out by a woman who calls herself Outlier and she’s straight and in her 40’s—straight but with bisexual leanings, she’s in her 40’s, totally chaotic environment she was raised in.
Ever been the victim of sexual abuse? “Yes, but I never reported it. My primary abuser was my mother. There was a lot of covert sexual emotional abuse like telling me when I was 14. ‘Don’t have sex with the first guy who offers just because you are fat and ugly.’” I don’t know, that sounds pretty healthy. That sounds like some good solid advice to me. Only if you’re fat and ugly, only if you’re fat and ugly... “I didn’t realize until 2 years ago that there had been overt sexual abuse. When I was 7 I was a compulsive masturbator and was even doing it during school. The school called my mother and met with her and that evening she told me ‘Take a bath which I though it was odd because I had been taking showers on my own at that point. She came in and ‘washed my genitals’ and explaining to me that this area was only to be touched in private. She was always sending mixed messages like this and I grew up in a state of utter confusion about this and other things.”
She was also emotionally abused. “My mother was a malignant narcissist. I even had one therapist tell me that she thought my mother crossed over into the sociopath of the spectrum. Living with her was complete chaos and confusion all the while appearing normal to the outside world.” You have no idea how much I am relating to your mom, your situation with your mom. She sounds so much like my mom. “My sense of self worth was tied up in my ability to be who others expected me to be. I was the sacrificial lamb in my family. My mother envied my older sister but I represented everything she hated about herself.” Oh wow. I’m so sorry you had to deal with that.
Any positive experiences with your abusers? “There were positive experiences when I was younger and was more adoring and obedient but they are colored by the realization that I was a source of her narcissist feed. I don’t know if I ever experienced my genuine mother. She died a few years ago but I don’t normally share that with others. Not because it’s painful but because it’s liberating. No one expects you to be glad when your mother is dead so since I can’t fake sad, I tend not to talk about it.” Thank you for that honesty and I’m glad that you don’t feel shame about it because you shouldn’t. How we feel about our feelings—we should never apologize for what we feel, you know there are just healthy and unhealthy ways of expressing them and sometimes when we express them in an unhealthy way that requires an apology if we hurt somebody but hopefully that doesn’t sound too preachy but took me 45 fucking years to figure that out. So at the risk of sounding preachy, there you have it.
And she writes “I wish I could tell me sister about the sexual abuse but she probably wouldn’t believe me.” And I highly recommend that you don’t because that can definitely be traumatizing. Definitely. Thank you for sharing that Outlier.
This is an awfulsome moment filled out by a guy who calls himself Sheppard and he writes “I attempted to take my life 5 years ago. While in hospital I was put in a chamber to help keep me alive while the toxins were purged from my body. The doctors would ask me questions to see how responsive I was and usually I was unresponsive The first day my family knew that I would be OK was when the doctor asked me to do things like wiggle my finger or raise my eyebrows. I did these things and there was a sigh of relief. I couldn’t open my eyes yet but they knew that some part of me was in there. Tension grew among the technicians and doctors when they asked me to smile. My mother and sisters were all in the room looking into the chamber. ‘Come on, can you smile for us’. My eyes were still shut but my eyebrows narrowed and I frowned the most cartoony frown possible. My family burst out into laughter while the doctors were confused. ‘He might have damage to his brain that makes him misunderstand the directions’ the doctor said. My sister, in tears, smiled and said ‘No, he’s just being a pain in the ass on purpose. My family says that was the moment they knew that I would really, truly be OK.” That is so fantastic. That is so fantastic. Thank you for that.
This is a Shame and Secrets survey filled out by a guy who calls himself Pathological Lying Scumbag. I don’t think he’s hard enough on himself. I think, why not throw in piece of shit on there? Why do you gotta be so full of yourself? He’s straight and in his 30’s. What kind of environment was he raised in...’pretty dysfunctional’...well that’s shocking for a guy who calls himself Pathological Lying Scumbag. I would have imagined that he was raised in a safe and nurturing environment. He’s never been sexually abused. He’s been emotionally abused. His father was ‘a rage-filled person with hate for almost everyone. “I was constantly being yelled at and very harshly. I remember one time in the middle of a busy restaurant, I guess I don’t hold the door for him long enough on the way out, or something and he flipped his shit right there raging in the restaurant. This is just one example but yeah, I was raised by a psycho. My mother did nothing about it.”
Any positive experiences with your abusers? “I still love my father, believe it or not.”
Darkest thoughts: “I wish my father had been murdered back then.” I love the contradictions that our souls have at the same time. It’s just fucking amazing.
Darkest secrets “I’m a pathological liar since the age of probably 15 or so. I would want to be in a band so I would tell people I am even though I couldn’t play an instrument. I would take recordings of someone else’s local band and show other’s their music and say ‘this is my band.’ I even did it to my own family. Even the ones I loved and respected. I will use someone else’s jokes and pass them off as my own. I lie to my family about how much I make. I lie when I meet women about how many sexual partners I’ve had. Yeah, some are out of shame but the ones especially when I was younger about being in a band were straight up selfish. I feel like scum. I’m 35 now and have stopped lying for about 7 years but I still feel like scum. Should I kill myself? I’m not worth being here.” Oh my God, you are so hard on your self. You are so hard on your self. I hope that you can see that your lying was a way to process your emotions that were overwhelming and negative and painful and it’s not who you are. You haven’t done it in 7 years. Forgive yourself. Please, forgive yourself.
Sexual fantasies most powerful to you: “Nothing special here.”
What if anything would you want to say to someone but haven’t been able to: “’I hate you Dad. You ruined my life.’ I don’t tell him because we don’t really talk much now. He’s also older and chilled out now. He does love me. I don’t want to upset him.”
What if anything do you wish for? “Forgiveness or death for my life.” How about forgiveness? How about that? How about you let us listeners forgive you until you can forgive yourself. Man, it’s just so hard to watch people continue to beat themselves up over things.
This is an awfulsome moment filled out by Katelyn. She’s in her 20s and she writes “I unexpectedly came out to my parents as a lesbian last year while studying abroad”. How do you unexpectedly come out? Would you please pass the salt? I like pussy. I didn’t expect for that to happen. “They told me they still loved me but they also hurt me to say the least. I fell into a deep depression and my anxiety was out of control. I ended up isolating myself and failed a class. I was looking for a fresh start after everything went terribly wrong abroad and decided to transfer to a new school for the beginning of this year. History repeated itself and my anxiety and self-loathing pushed me to move back in with my parents just before midterms. I began to use alcohol more frequently than ever and by summer I was arrested for a DUI. During my brief time in jail I was locked in a cell with a middle aged woman who had also been drinking and driving. She ended up telling me a bit of her life story. We talked about travel and I told her about my negative coming out experience. She was supportive and we somehow cried while making each other laugh. I honestly have no idea what we laughed about. Maybe it was the alcohol buzz or some of our surroundings but it was an hour or 2 I will never forget. She helped me survive one of the worst nights of my life. I hope I helped her as well. I’m able to type this out without having a panic attack thanks to therapy. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done for myself and I’ve made some much progress since that awfulsome summer moment.”
Thank you for that. That’s so beautiful. Love me a good awfulsome moment. I think my voice is starting to get tired. I might start thinning these out.
Oh this one I just want to read because I’ve read this sexual fantasy before. This is by a woman who calls herself Nothing Clever and...
Sexual Fantasies most powerful to you—and she’s straight and in her 20’s—“sucking on a woman’s breast who is lactating and engaging sexually really with any woman with huge breasts. I think this may be due to my lack of breasts which makes me feel less like a woman. The actual fantasy makes me feel like such a pervert especially when I get turned on by seeing a mother breast-feeding. I feel like a perverted old man. I hate it and don’t want to think about it. At the same time, I also fantasize about my ex with a pleasant penis coming all over me and in my mouth. This makes me feel more normal but still upset that I can’t move past him.” I think you mean “upset that I can’t move past it”. “I fantasize about my ex with a pleasant penis” So he has more than one penis? I can’t imagine how bad the sex is when your ex mixes it up and brings out the unpleasant penis. That has to be unpleasant. Your fantasy about the breast-feeding and the big breasts, you are not alone in that. I have read other surveys by woman – straight woman – who have that so there are woman who, let’s just say, there... accept yourself for who you are. There’s nothing wrong with that – and it’s kind of hot.
This is – and we all also, just remember, you like pleasant penises. I just wanted to say pleasant penis another time.
This is an awfulsome moment filled out by a guy who calls himself Ash Catch’m and he writes “Recently found my best friend from elementary school on social media. We were like cousins or brothers. We basically made up our own language and would talk in front of people who would have no idea what we were saying. We would sign language across classrooms when teachers separated us. We defended each other when bullied and ganged up on a weaker target in order to seem more powerful in the school yard court of law. We lost touch after that because boys just can’t say ‘I like you a lot. Let’s keep in touch. Even if we go to completely different places.’ Well the social media I found him on was a gay fuck app. A day or so after finding him and processing what all this meant, I sent him a message on the app. An hour later I saw that he had viewed my profile but I couldn’t see his name anymore. He had blocked me from seeing his profile. That is awfulsome!”
This is a Struggle in a Sentence survey filled out by Nicole and she writes about her anxiety “I’m constantly living in the past obsessing over my latest mistake instead of chipping away at the future. My perfectionism grips me like a vice. I’m frozen until someone tells me I’m doing OK.”
About her co-dependency “I can only open up to my sister but not without burdening her and pushing her away.”
About being a sex crime victim “Took me about 4 years to say it out loud ‘I could not and did not consent.’ The way it took me about 3 years to use the word incest to describe what happened to me.” It gets easier.
About being the victim of racial or cultural bias. “I’m a checkbox on some guys bucket list. Ax exotic rarity, an other in the only town I’ve ever called home.”
About her ADHD “Being diagnosed with it doesn’t make me feel any less stupid, lazy, or incompetent. Now it just has a name.”
A snapshot from her life. “A therapist once asked me ‘Do you feel lovable’ ‘I hope so’ I blurted before I had a chance to break down and cry. I couldn’t handle the real answer.” Well we are sending you some love. So how do you like that?
This is... sometimes I bite off more than I can chew and then I have to edit on the fly. Oh, this person asks at the end of their survey if I’ve shared my whole story and maybe they missed it. I haven’t on a whole episode shared my whole story. It’s kind of been scattered about several different ones but I think I’m going to do an episode at some point in the future when maybe a listener or a friend of mind interviews me and I can kind of have it all in one episode so somebody can, if they want to listen, they can do that. But you can also hear me on other people’s podcasts. Though I suppose it’s behind a pay wall but I was a guest on WTF with Mark Maron. Aisha Tyler, I was a guest on her podcast. Alison Rosen, I was a guest on her podcast and got pretty deep talking about some of that stuff. I’m sure there’s a bunch of other ones that I can’t think of right at this moment and I’m sure I’ll kick myself when I realize ‘Oh my God’, anway...
This is Struggle in a Sentence filled out by S and she’s a teenager. Snapshot from her life, she writes “Can’t handle touching public bathroom doorknobs so sometimes when the doorknob is stuck and I’m trying to use paper towel to open it, I panic because it won’t open and I’m afraid that someone else will come out of their stall and see me being ridiculous for refusing to touch the door knob.” That, what you’ve just described, is a very serious condition called common sense and if you don’t see somebody about it immediately, it’s going to get worse. You will begin to be able to set boundaries with people, you will begin to express your needs in ways that are succinct and there are all kinds of terrible things. If you don’t’ get your common sense under control, I don’t like your chances. I don’t think I have ever opened the doorknob from the inside without a towel and I don’t give a shit if you see me doing it. I’ll look you right in the eye and say ‘I don’t want to touch your poop because I’m going to eat.’ Anybody who owns a restaurant, please have the towels and waste paper basket right by the door because that’s why we lob those bad 3 pointers when the waste paper basket is 10 feet away from the door. Because we don’t want to be touching a bunch of bullshit before we go eat.
This is a Shame and Secrets survey filled out by a guy who calls himself Freeze Time. He’s never been sexually abused. Never been emotionally abused.
Darkest thoughts: “Sexual thoughts about women. I just want to look at them, undress them, be able to experience their body without them looking at me. I’d rather them be blindfolded so they can’t look at them. I don’t want to hurt them or do anything dangerous or disgusting,” and then he put in parentheses “(but this whole then has disgust and shame splashed all over it). I just want to work to stand still for a moment so I can explore without having the pressure to perform. Maybe I might learn something. Maybe I might expel something” Well yeah, you work long enough and something’s going to get expelled. I couldn’t resist. I’m sorry. “Who knows, I hope to God it doesn’t stoke the fire for more of the same.”
Darkest secrets: “I asked my wife a couple of years ago to do this. Lie naked on the bed with an eye mask on and earphones in while I look at her and touch her all over and then jack off. She agreed on certain conditions: no phone, no pictures, no penetration, and she gets a massage at the same time. I asked her again a year ago and she refused telling me how creepy it was for her and how weird it is that I want to do this.” You know that is really, really not cool of your wife to shame you like that. A woman or a partner with a healthy sexual attitude would – even if they didn’t want to do it again – would say ‘You know, I’m so sorry. It’s just a thing with me that I’m not comfortable doing it but I don’t want you to feel shame because there is nothing wrong with you wanting to do that and I want to encourage your fantasies. Is there another fantasy we can explore? Maybe I’ll come around on this. Maybe I never will but I want to please you’ and hopefully she would share a fantasy that she has that you would be comfortable to engage with it. That to me would be a healthy way for people to connect by not by shaming each other. So don’t feel shame about that. There is nothing wrong with that fantasy. Go watch 9 ½ weeks and tell me, should those people be ashamed? Actually I think they should be ashamed for spilling food but that’s about it.
Sexual fantasies most powerful to you: Well I think you did that already. Anyway... Thank you for that.
This is a Struggle in a Sentence filled out by a guy who calls himself Fritz to Bits and about his depression he writes “A stillborn baby crammed into my chest with the words ‘Go Faster Asshole’ written on it’s chest.” There is a fucking image. Holy shit.
About his anxiety: “The constant belief that everyone in my life feels sick at the thought of me and covert guilt ridden manipulation is the only way back to zero.”
About his pot addiction “A deep conflicted pride in having experienced a slow erosion of sanity despite the suicidal thoughts”. You know I heard someone share one time that hitting your bottom on weed is like getting kicked to death by a rabbit.
About his love addiction “If your attraction level is beyond a 6, I only need a millisecond of eye contact to send me into instant marriage fantasy.”
About his sex addiction: “Waiting for the right moment when I’ve convinced myself that I’m not using her.”
About being a compulsive masturbator: “Like a drug dealer standing outside my door making the same sales pitch every day. It’s free, easy, good for your prostate and you can take it at work.”
About his codependency: “If only I could pry you open and make you cry but only on my terms. Tell me your darkest secrets so you can prove to me that I’m worthy of hearing them.”
Wow you are really good at describing these things that you struggle with. You could turn pro.
About being an abuser sexual aggression: “Fear that I will one day get an email from that drunk woman saying ‘Remember that night? I do. I call that rape.’ That is heavy. That might be a good chance for you to look at that and if you can’t.. If you’re having trouble controlling your aggression when you’re out drinking and having sex, maybe don’t drink when you’re doing that. Or talk to somebody about this because that’s a serious thing, that’s a serious, serious thing and a lot of people have trouble advocating for themselves and speaking up when they’re in an uncomfortable position and you add someone being aggressive on top of that and you’ve got a really potentially bad and traumatizing situation for that person.
Snapshot from his life: “When I was smoking pot I had a smoking buddy that I was obsessed with. We was a veteran who saw lots of combat. I worried constantly that he would kill me but I still kept hanging out with him because I had shut out everyone else from my life at that point. One night we were sitting at a red light in my car and I told him ‘I don’t hold any of those things you did in the war against you.’ The look on his face was sheer panic and confusion. I can see now that I was pushing him away when I said that being convinced that if only I could crack his shell and open up about the horrors of war I could secure the friendship I craved. Our friendship went downhill from there but I kept coming back. At once point in a pot-fueled paranoia I was convinced that he had tried to poison me but that didn’t stop me. Thank goodness my smoking drove me to psychosis resulting in a hospital visit. I’m not sure anything else would have gotten me out of that unhealthy relationship.” Thank you for sharing that and that’s pot, man, pot can be really...If you’re addicted to it and it’s degrading your life... it’s interesting. I bottomed out on it. I did a little mini episode called Growing Weed and Zelda and if you guys want to know, in fact the person that wanted to know about my story, that is very emblematic of what I was going through in my 20s. Nintendo had just come out and I was growing weed in my apartment in Chicago. It was the late 80s. So listen to that mini episode if you want to know some more of my story.
This is... I’m going to skip this one... This is a Struggle in a Sentence and this one is filled out by Grace. I wonder if it’s the Grace from the salacious email? And Grace about being a sex crime victim writes – now it’s not funny that I said that: “I want to wrap myself in a blanket, put myself in a coffin, bury that coffin in a cave in Antarctica and hope that a rock will hit planet earth and fall on top of my cave so no one can touch me again but I have a feeling my family will follow me there and keep asking ‘So why are you still single?’” Wow, that is heavy and she says she can’t wait to hear the new intro for this year. Well I hope you liked the intro Grace and I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Your family doesn’t understand your pain but we do. We definitely do.
This is an email that I got from Mark who’s written a guest blog for us and he just has 2 questions and he writes: “How the fuck have you managed to produce a podcast every week for so long when you have depression and so many of the related problems that get in the way of a productive life? Have you ever felt that you can’t do it anymore?” No, I’ve never felt that I can’t do it anymore. There’s been weeks when I’ve felt a little slightly overwhelmed by it but this podcast feeds me more than it drains me so that’s why. And mostly it’s because of the feedback that I get from you guys. I’ll read a survey that makes me feel less alone. I’ll get an email from you. I’ll interview a guest that I become friends with, you know, the list goes on and on. I say it all the time and it’s not bullshit, I get so much from doing this podcast. And then the second question he has is ‘Although you often mention being sober, I’ve never heard you talk about how much alcohol you actually consumed or what specific problems it caused and what drove you to eventually quit.’ The sadness and the suicidal thoughts were what eventually drove me to quit. I knew that I was going to kill myself if I didn’t quit drinking. And the amount that I drank varied everywhere from 2 to 3 drinks, a couple of hits of weed at night to 10 to 12 pints of beer and if you had drugs, if you had coke I’d do it, if you had mushrooms, I’d do it, whatever so it was really an internal thing that brought me to my knees. I was so sad and depressed but I hadn’t’ lost my job, or my wife, or the house or a lot of the things that people who bottom out from drugs and alcohol, that hadn’t happened to me, yet, and I didn’t even drink during the day but I am absolutely an alcoholic and a drug addict and thank God I’ve been sober now for 11 and a half years which is a fucking miracle. And I can tell you this much. This podcast would not be possible without my support group - actually both of my support groups, and therapy, and my friends, and reading books, and tap dancing.
This is a – we’re in the home stretch, we’re in the home stretch – got 2 more surveys and that touching letter that Leila left and then another survey.
And this is from Drea. This is a Shame and Secrets survey and she is straight, in her 20’s raised in a slightly dysfunctional environment.
Ever been the victim of sexual abuse: “Some stuff happened but I don’t know if it counts. At the times in question I was on some sort of drug so I don’t really remember everything. I think I was taken advantage of but I wouldn’t call it rape or abuse but it was may fault for putting myself in that sort of situation so I never said anything to anyone.” It’s not your fault for putting yourself in a situation. Nobody, it is not a free pass because somebody is passed out or their in a bad neighborhood or they went home with somebody who is dangerous that they didn’t realize was dangerous. Even if your little spidy sense said ‘Oh this person seems a little dangerous’ and you went home with them and something bad happens, it’s still not your fucking fault. It’s still not your fucking fault. She’s been emotionally abused. “My ex-boyfriend was horrible to me. He was controlling, would call me names, and scream at me for nothing. He was an alcoholic and a drug addict. He would slap me sometimes but I never really considered him physically abusive. He was absolutely emotionally abusive though. He would tell me that no one else would ever love me except for him.” By the way if anyone ever says that to you, run. Don’t walk, run. That person is, at that point, I’m sure they’ve been trying to isolate you from your friends, and it probably in the beginning that person was the most charming considerate, lavishing attention on you and you saw fire works with this person. That is a pattern we see over and over and over again is that romantic wooing period where they are just, it’s too good to be true and then they begin to isolate you from your friends, then they begin to work on your insecurities and then that’s how they control you and that’s what they were after right out of the gate, even if they don’t know it themselves. That’s what they are after is that they want to control and dominate and humiliate and the phrase you always here those people say is ‘Nobody will ever love you.’ And then they throw all the things they’ve picked at you about in your face as if it’s the truth and the truth is that they hate them fucking selves and they’re just projecting it on you.
Any positive experiences with the abuser: “Yes, we had a few positive experiences when we first got together he was very nice and sweet and loving and then after 2 or 3 months he started becoming very controlling”—I swear to God I hadn’t read this survey in a while and I wasn’t doing that just to make myself look all smarty pants. “After 2 or 3 months he started becoming very controlling but was he was my first everything – sexual experience, boyfriend, first love so I really though I was in love with him so I stayed.”
Darkest Secrets: “I think about using pills again a lot. I’ll be a year clean on October 3rd. I think about dying. I don’t think I would ever kill myself but I think about it a lot.” Get out of this relationship. Get out of it because it will drag you down and you will use again. You will use again if you stay with this guy because the pain will get to be too much and you might be a sex and love addict as well. If you can’t leave somebody who is abusive to you, get in a support group, read a book Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody.
Darkest Secret: “I stole and pawned my mother’s wedding band for drugs with the boyfriend I mentioned above and then lied about it when questioned. She still doesn’t know it was me who took it. I ache for the affection of my father. We were best buddies when I was a kid but now he hardly talks to me. We live in the same house but aren’t close at all. I feel like he doesn’t love me or wishes I wasn’t around. I blame myself for my parents’ issues with their marriage. Part of my knows it isn’t really my fault but the other part of my is screaming ‘I’m so sorry’ at them all the time.”
Sexual Fantasies most powerful to you: “I like it really rough. I don’t know how else to say it. I like to be hit, degraded, spit on, choked, anything that makes my feel like a whore. I like BDSM. I like to be tied up. Those things are the most powerful. When I have sex I find myself craving more roughness. I want to tell the person to hit me but I’m afraid it will freak them out. It makes me feel weird and unsatisfied.” And by the way, that sexual desire is not related at all to the way that your boyfriend is treating you non-sexually. In no way does it mean you deserve that. Those are two separate things, two completely separate things. One is this fantasy and one is reality and one is acceptable and one is not.
What if anything would you like to say to someone but have been unable to: “I would like to tell my father how much I love him and crave his attention. I know it would only push him further away if I was to say these things though.” That is heart breaking. That is heartbreaking that you can’t tell him that. You know I wonder if there is a male figure—how old are you? In your 20’s—I wonder if there is an older male figure maybe somebody if you’re going to a support group for your drug addiction. I wonder if there is an older man who is safe and doesn’t have a sexual interest in you that you could befriend and get that older male role model you know. The friendships that I have with the women in my life, particular those that are older than me, mean so much to me because—well they can’t replace what I would have gotten from my mom—there is a loving maternal energy there that is just fucking awesome and really soothing and I think you could use some soothing.
Oh I want to read another awfulsome moment and this is from a Reddit thread called the Most Fucked up Shit That You’ve Seen at a Funeral and this was filled out by a guy who calls himself Run to the River and he writes: “My grandfather was an identical twin. When gramps and my family walked into his brother’s funeral it became very, very clear, very quickly that not all the friends of the deceased knew this. I strongly remember one man staring at my grandfather, then the coffin, and then back to my other grandfather, then back to the coffin, just to make sure.” That is fantastic. Thank you for that.
This is from a woman who calls herself Nobody. She was a victim of sexual abuse. She’s in her 20’s, raised in a pretty dysfunctional environment. “Repeatedly raped as a child by the next door neighbor until my younger sister told my mother, then at 22 I fell in with a bad crowd and was raped at gun point by a Hell’s Angel associate.”
Any positive experiences with your abusers? “No.” She’s also been physically and emotionally abused.
Darkest thoughts: “Hurting people, constantly.”
Darkest secrets: “I head a career as a sex worker and a 14 year heroine addiction from basically everybody who knew me.”
Sexual fantasies: “Violet sexual fantasies are the most powerful to me. Not sexual violence but physical violence and blood combined with sex.”
What if anything would you like to say to someone but you haven’t been able to. “I’d like to tell people that just because I’m an ex-drug addict and sex worker, that doesn’t make me a bad person.”
What if anything do you wish for. “Honestly I wish I had enough money to sustain a heroine addiction without having to worry about money.” You know it’s funny I think about that sometimes and I’ve never even done heroine but like my 2 go to’s when I get depressed are to think, well suicide is always an option or, which as I shared on last weeks episode is really off the table now and thankfully not something I think about lately. But the other thing I think about is what if I just liquidate my assets, go to Seattle, get a hotel room and just drink coffee and do heroine and alternate between the two. Get a little too knotted out have a cappuccino, get a little buzzed on the cappuccino, do a little heroin and just do until my money runs out and then kill myself. That would make an awesome Christmas card. A little too long though. So I totally get that.
Have you shared these things with others? “One person. She’s the love of my life and knows more than my therapist.”
How do you feel after writing these things down? “Calm yet edgy. It’s hard to explain.” Thank you for that.
This is the good bye note that Leila Alcorn left. Leila was born into a male body and knows as Josh Alcorn for most of her life and this is the note that Leila left.
“If you are reading this, it means that I’ve committed suicide and obviously failed to delete this post from my queue. Please don’t be sad, it’s for the better. The life I would have lived isn’t worth living in because I’m transgender. I could go into detail to explain why I feel that way but this note is probably going to be lengthy enough as it is. To put it simply, I feel like a girl trapped in a boys body and I’ve felt that way ever since I was 4. I never knew there was a word for that feeling or that it was possible for a boy to become a girl so I never told anyone. Just continued to do ‘boyish things’ to fit in. When I was 14 I learned what transgender meant and cried from happiness. After 10 years of confusion, I finally understood who I was. It told my mom and she reacted extremely negatively telling me that it was a phase, that I would never truly be a girl, that God doesn’t make mistakes, that I wrong. If you are reading this parents, please don’t tell this to your kids, even if you are Christian people, don’t ever say that to someone, especially your kid. It won’t do anything but make them hate themselves. That’s what it did to me. My mom started taking me to a therapist but would only take me to Christian therapists who are all very biased so I never actually go the therapy I needed to cure me of my depression. I only got more Christians telling me that I was selfish and wrong and that I should look to God for help. When I was 16 I realized my parents would never come around and I would have to wait until I was 18 to start any sort of transitioning treatment which absolutely broke my heart. The longer you wait, the harder it is to transition. I felt absolutely hopeless that I was going to look like a man in drag for the rest of my life’ And the reason for that, as a side note is because once the body passes through puberty it physically develops in ways that are irreversible like an adam’s apple and musculature and things like that. Although I think they can do things with Adam’s apples, I’m not sure... anyway...’On my 16th birthday when I didn’t receive consent from my parents to start transitioning, I cried myself to sleep. They felt like I was attacking their image and that I was embarrassing them. They wanted me to be their perfect little Christian boy and that was obviously not what I wanted.’ By the way I’m not reading the entirety of her letter but most of it. ‘After having a summer of no friends, plus the weight of having to think about college, save money to move out, keep my grades up, go to church each week and feel like shit because everyone there is against everything I live for, I have decided I've had enough. I'm never going to transition successfully, even when I move out. I'm never going to be happy with the way I look or sound. I'm never going to have enough friends to satisfy me. I'm never going to have enough love to satisfy me. I'm never going to find a man who loves me. I'm never going to be happy. Either I live the rest of my life as a lonely man who wishes he were a woman or I live my life as a lonelier woman who hates herself. There's no winning. There's no way out. I'm sad enough already, I don't need my life to get any worse. People say "it gets better" but that isn't true in my case. It gets worse. Each day I get worse.’ And I just want to interrupt at this point and say any person out there who feels like she’s telling the truth at this point about it’s never going to this, it’s never going to that, that’s the darkness talking and that doesn’t mean that she didn’t have a tough, tough road ahead of her fi she’d stayed alive and been disappointed but that is the darkness talking. Alright continuing...’That's the gist of it, that's why I feel like killing myself. Sorry if that's not a good enough reason for you, it's good enough for me. As for my will, I want a percent of my things I legally own to be sold and the money plus my money in the bank to be given to Trans Civil Rights movements and support groups. I don’t give a shit which one. The only way I will rest in peace is if one day transgender people aren’t treated like I was. They are treated like humans with valid feelings and human rights. Gender needs to be taught about in schools, the earlier the better. My death needs to mean something, my death needs to be counted among the number of transgender people who commit suicide this year. I want someone to look at that number and say ‘That’s fucked up.’ And fix it. Fix society, please. Good bye.” Leila/Josh Alcorn.
Well, I don’t even know what to say. It’s just so said and so moving and it’s so articulate and it’s such a waste, it’s such a fucking waste. And you know a lot of people, her parents apparently, the way that Leila killed herself is that she walked in front of a semi truck and her parents posted that she had been accidently hit by a semi truck. Actually her parents posted that he had actually been accidentally hit by a semi truck and as you can imagine a lot of outraged people posted negatively on that facebook page and threatening her parents and understandably very, very angry, and I felt the same way at first. I wanted to go post on it and say you fucking ignorant hypocrite, you mean spirited mother-fuckers. And then I realized her parents were probably raised in a time and place where you can’t blame them for buying into those lies. That they’re ignorant and society’s ignorance is to blame for this. If you have a friend who is transgender or someone you know who is transgender or who’s gender you don’t understand, there are things that you can do to let them know that you’re on their side. You can ask them if there’s a pronoun that you prefer. Some transgender people prefer to be referred to as they. Often transgender is fluid because he or she or him or her doesn’t feel true to them so they feels more fitting. You can ask them if there is anyway that you can support them. You can tell them that you love them. You can be patient with them because it’s a process for many people. It’s not just suddenly for everyone a light goes on and you suddenly realize who you are, they may swing back and forth trying to find their identity. Be patient with them during that process and don’t’ accuse them of doing it for attention. There are so many other things that I can’t think of here but love is one place where you can never go wrong, never go wrong and stick up for them. You can help them when you see someone make a tranny joke or a some other hurtful thing that degrades who they are. Say something to the person who makes that joke and let them know that that is not acceptable to you and that there is real damage to them being marginalized like that and that jokes like that do have an effect and they do lead to suicides. If you’re an educator, you can help by trying to get something put in sex education or biology books. If you’re a legislator, there are things you can do. I would like to outlaw legislation, or I would like to outlaw, and i think this is true in California, I think they just did it, the therapies, the so-called Christian therapies cure your gayness. If you’re a legislator in a state that is ignorant about this, work to ban that, work to make that illegal because it’s going to take all of these things on all of these fronts for there not to be another Leila. And Leila wherever you are, I hope you’re in a place where people are calling you she and you have a closet full of dresses and you look beautiful and you’re prom queen and nobody questions you and you are who you were born to be. Cause what happened to you fucking sucks. It fucking sucks. Well I sure as fuck can’t end on that moment.
Goddam it I wish I could have met her and given her a fucking hug and held her. I wish somebody could have. Do that for your friend. Just fucking hold them and say I love you exactly as you are. We’re going to get through this together. I’m going to be here for you.
Alright, let’s read an awfulsome moment. This is filled out by a woman who calls herself I Knew I Was Crazy. And her awfulsome moment she writes “My daughter was in a Christmas parade last week. I’ve been looking forward to it for weeks. I daydreamed about sitting in chairs with my oldest daughter all bundled up in warm clothes and having bonding time while we waited for my youngest to dance by us in the parade and then we would jump up and cheer her in the parade and cheer her and the group on. I couldn’t wait for the whole parade of lights and being part of the community. I preplanned the logistics of getting there early and getting a comfortably spot on the route and give us time to walk around a little enjoying the shops. On the day of the parade, I dropped off my oldest daughter with chairs as planned but that was the only thing that went as I had daydreamed about. When I picked up my youngest daughter to take her to the staging area for the parade, her teacher had no idea how to get there or where to meet after the parade. I had navigate through 90 minutes of traffic and road closures until I got close enough to walk the rest of the way. I’m overweight and in terrible shape. I had to walk literally a little over a mile to get her to the right staging area and then a mile back to my car. By this time there was only 30 minutes before the start of the parade and I still had to find fucking parking spot. Again I had to park 2 miles away from the parade route. I was stressed that I would miss the parade and was walking as quick as I could. At one point I had to walk across the freeway overpass. I was barely halfway across when I started getting vertigo and one of my wonderful panic attacks hit me. I honestly thought I was going to pass out and get hit by a car and the only thing that got me through it was not wanting my kids to see my fat ass laid out on the street. By the time I got to the chairs, my oldest daughter had been waiting for me for 3 hours and I was physically depleted. The crowd was much larger than I had expected so my anxiety level was at its peak. Then I got a text that we had to pick up my daughter at the end of the parade route which was 2 miles from our chairs. My car was parked in the opposite direction. There was no way I could walk to my car to pick up my daughter because of road blocks and traffic which meant I had to walk to pick her up and at that point it would be a 4 mile walk back to the car which included another walk across the overpass. So, as the parade passed us, I sat there crying and feeling trapped. I was trying so fucking hard to feel excited about the parade that I built up this unrealistic fantasy that didn’t include my social anxiety, my poor health and panic attacks. Merry Fucking Christmas.” Thank you so much for that. And you know why I wanted to end with that? Because you are a fucking awesome mom. If Leila had had a mom like you, Leila would be here today and it doesn’t matter that you’re out of shape and that you didn’t get to the parade on time. You know all that stuff. What matters is that you fucking love your kids and you’re fantasizing about an awesome parade and I had parades. Parades and musicals – fuck both of them! But you made me love a parade right there so thank you guys. I hope you enjoyed this episode. Let’s hope we all have a great 2015 and let’s seriously consider getting Hug Fest together. If you’re out there and you’re feeling stuck or you know someone who is feeling stuck, remind them that they’re not alone. Go talk to somebody. Say that you’re feeling alone. Get out of you comfort zone cause you are not alone and there is help if you’re willing to ask for it. Thank you so much for listening.
Everybody I know is bizarrely, beautifully fucked up in some weird way...
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