Paul shares a single day of feeback from the listeners, including various surveys from the website, fears, loves and several emails. Topics include the cloudiness of depression, a 13 year-old boy who was seduced by two of his friends’ mothers, and a mom who is ashamed at feeling overwhelmed by her disabled child.
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The Mental Illness Happy Hour: Episode 77 – A Day of You the Listener
Paul: Welcome to Episode 77 with my guest you the listener. I will be reading a day's correspondence between myself and you the listener and I'll be reading surveys from the website as well. My name is Paul Gilmartin - this is the Mental Illness Happy Hour, an hour of honesty about all the battles in our heads from medically-diagnosed conditions to everyday Compulsive Negative Thinking. This show is not meant to be a substitute for professional mental counseling. It is not a doctor's office. it's more like a waiting room that hopefully doesn't suck. The website for this show is mentalpod.com. There's all kinds of stuff there. And please follow me on Twitter as well. My Twitter name is mentalpod and one of the reasons I'd like you to follow me on that is because I want to start doing some Google Plus hangouts and video chatting with listeners. And then maybe posting that to YouTube as well. So the way it will work is if you follow me on Twitter I'll tweet when I'm gonna be having a Google Plus hangout and we can chat and record that video and then post it. So that's my hope. I think that could be kind of fun. So follow me on Twitter. Also on the website you can sign up to be on the newsletter. There's guest blogs. There's blogs by me. All kinds of good stuff. I think that is about it. And if you want to support the show you can do that too on the website. There's a Paypal link and you can either do a single donation or recurring monthly donation - which, of course, I love. Aliright - enough of my bullshit - let's get to some of your bullshit.
(cue proper show intro montage with old-timey blues guitar)
...everybody I know is bizarrely, beautifully fucked up in some weird way
...I couldn't stand you in the audition
...I couldn't stand you
...yes, awful, I was drunk!
...I learned that I could solve my problems through violence since I couldn't communicate
...lonely - yes
...I'm afraid that my genitalia is ugly
...that's hurtful
...and what was your role in the robbery
...and you never knew what you were going home to
...I had a jar that had teeth in it
...I was a wreck
...other people's teeth?
Paul: Alright. I am gonna be honest right out of the gate. I am anxious. I am nervous that this is going to be a terrible episode but I've been feeling a little bit - I don't know if constrained is the right word - but feeling like I need to do something a little bit different on the show, mix it up a little bit. And an idea that came to my mind was I want you the listener to experience what I experience in a single day just in terms of the contact with the listeners that I get either through email or reading people's surveys. And so I just printed out the emails and correspondence that I've had today. Some of them are - people want them to remain private so I'm not going to read some of those. But the ones that people are okay with - I'm gonna read that stuff. And I'm worried that this is gonna be terrible and that the listenership that I've built up - which I'm very proud of - is gonna flee like rats on a sinking ship. That's right - I think of you as rats. And I know that if I - one of the things that I've learned in support groups and being sober and all that other shit is if I talk about what it is that scares me it takes some of the power out of it. And it did not work just now (laughs). I'm still anxious. I feel a little bit better. I've got a feeling this is gonna be choppy and I'm gonna be stumbling over the stuff that I'm reading and so I just wanna say that up front. Because then when I do it, it doesn't feel - I feel like you know that I know that I'm horrible. God. Alright - I'm gonna just read these in the order that they came to me.
So this first thing that I'm gonna read is an email that I got from a listener and his name is Scott. And he just sent me a list of his fears and his loves. So I'm just gonna read. "I'm afraid my penis is unsatisfying. I'm afraid - not knowing what comes next. I fear money. I'm afraid that one day I'll forget all the conversations that I've had in the past that I could have handled better. I'm afraid of overthinking. I'm afraid of people not understanding my jokes. I fear sleeping closest to the door. I fear sitting in the wrong seat in a restaurant. I'm afraid my son is growing up with parents who drink too much." And then his love list. "I love the smell of oil warming up to cook hot chips." I think he's Australian. "I love the feel of my dog's ears. I love making my son squeal with fright and joy at the same time. I love the smell of my wife's shirts when she's just taken them off. I love private jokes with my son. I love to make people laugh. I love having my own tube of toothpaste. I love time alone that is finite. I love writing. I fucking love my shoes." That's a great one. "I love finding a pair of jeans that fit and come in different denim dyes. I love the twelve seconds before I cum." I like that it's twelve seconds - not ten. That extra two - you really feel your ball bag doin' some work. That's the two seconds when it really - it earns it's keep. Because the rest of the time it's just your scrotum's down there and it's swinging around annoying you. Doin' nothin'. Just looking ugly. Just looking like it's begging to be ironed. He says "I love that my wife is honest with me regardless of my feelings. I love salted caramel. I love making people laugh when they don't expect it. I love the time between ordering something online and it arriving. I love being able to hear other people's conversations." Finally, what a great one to end on, "I love a really good shit." Thank you Scott. I love that.
Alright - what's next in the pile? Alright - this next one was... This person had filled this survey out - two surveys that they'd done the "Shame and Secrets" survey and the "I Shouldn't Feel This Way" survey and she emailed me and wasn't comfortable with the stuff she'd put on the "Shame and Secrets" survey and asked me to delete it. And the name that she used on both of them rang a bell and so I emailed her and said would you like me to also delete the "I Shouldn't Feel This Way" survey. (and) First I'll read the survey, the "I Shouldn't Feel This Way" survey. Obviously I'm not gonna read the "Shame and Secrets" survey because she wanted me to delete that. This is a woman who prefers not to say how old she is. She's straight. And to the question "What would you like people to say about you at your funeral?" she writes, "I don't care, I won't be there. I'd rather they just had one hell of a party". "How does writing that make you feel?" She writes, "A little sad, that I can't think of anything more meaningful to say". To the question, "If you had a time machine how would you use it? (you can't change history, you can only observe it)". She writes, "I would go back to the two hours before I left my dad's bed in the hospital and the time he died to see what happened. Did he suffer? Did he die in his sleep? I don't know. I was only eighteen. No one told me what happened and when I asked they said they didn't know. Why not? Didn't they ask? Didn't they care?" And then the question about things that you feel you're not feeling the correct emotion for she writes, "I'm supposed to feel like I wouldn't know what to do without my disabled daughter but I don't. I feel like I would have a better quality of life with a - quote - normal kid even though I love her very much. P.S. Don't judge unless you've been there. You don't have a clue." "How does writing that make you feel?", she writes, "Bad, like I will be judged harshly. It is so taboo to have anything but glowing, positive feelings about your children". "Do you think you're abnormal for feeling what you do?", she writes, "No - not if people in my position were honest but many times I think they tend to ignore the negative stuff about having a disabled child so that society will have an easier time accepting their child." "Would knowing other people feel the same way that you do make you feel better about yourself?", she writes, "Oh yes! (here come the waterworks)". And when I went back and read what she had written in that survey I emailed her and said, "Do you want me to also delete the 'I Shouldn't Feel This Way' survey? I think the stuff about you kid is really important for other people to see or hear. Far from judging you - I have tremendous empathy for anyone who cares for a disabled child. I bet other parents of disabled kids would like to hear that they are not alone in feeling that way. Let me know because I'd like to add that to the 'possibly read on air' pile". And she emailed me back and she said, "Wow - thanks for the reply. Very moving - I'm in tears (the good kind). Maybe if you just remove my age I'll be okay then the rest is up to you". So thank you for opening up about that. I encourage you guys to check out that survey and take it too because so often we go through life - myself included - thinking that what we're feeling we shouldn't be feeling and then we beat ourselves up about that. And that's so unhealthy. It's so unhealthy but it's the most common, normal thing in the world. And we do it everyday. What is next?
Oh - we have more! More fears. Might as well read 'em cuz I'm sticking to this thing - 24 hours, chronological order, as the stuff comes in. Some other fears that Scott sent. "I'm afraid I will somehow cause my wife's night terrors. I'm afraid I haven't had sex with enough women. I fear taking over conversations and not being able to stop myself. I'm afraid that one day someone will get me to talk about the things I never tell a soul. I fear people asking 'have you lost weight?". That's interesting. I would think you would want people to say that. Unless you're sick I guess. "I fear the voice in my head winning again one day. I'm afraid I'm so irrelevant that people don't talk about me behind my back." That's awesome. "I'm afraid that my son will grow up with my voice in his head." You know - the fact that you are aware of that is fucking awesome. That is awesome. I think just knowing that there's the potential for that makes you a better dad than so many dads. "I'm afraid my son will not want to be like me. I fear being found out. I fear walking downstairs". Really - not down stairs - I fear walking downstairs. Maybe you need to tidy up down there. Maybe that's your fucking problem. "I fear what will become of me after my wife leaves me. I'm afraid I can't undo that sentence. I fear that moment just before I fall asleep when I start worrying about the future. I'm afraid of the noises my fridge makes in the middle of the night". And that's it for his fear list Part Two - thank you Scott. I'm doing okay so far.
By the way sometimes I get emails from you guys and you wanna know how I'm doing and how my depression is doing and stuff like that. I'm in a really, really good place. I think I mentioned a couple of episodes back that my psychiatrist - I told him all about this stuff about my my Mom stuff - and it set off a light bulb in his head and he said, "I'm gonna put you on such and such". Because I've been telling him - I don't feel anxious but I don't feel a sense of vigor, I don't feel that sense of excitement that I used to have. And I really missed it. And so he has me on this thing called Mirtazapene and it's really working. My wife is fucking amazed, how the 'old me' is back. I guess I am too. I'm speaking to you from a newly cleaned office. It feels great because for the last three years I've just looked in my office and there's no space to work in. Everything is just project upon project that I couldn't get through. And I'm cleaning up the garage now. I had a garage sale. And by the way - if you really want to stop blowing money unnecessarily in the future just picture some asshole's face from a garage sale looking you right in the eyes and goin' "I'll give you a quarter for it". Things that I thought were so important to buy eight years ago - sold a lot of them for a quarter. So I'm feeling really good. And I think that's important to share too with depression because I don't want people who have not had a lot of experience with it to think that it's like this quicksand that you get into and it just takes you down. That's not the way it all... my experience has been it's two steps forward and one step back. And we've gotta enjoy those two steps forward when they happen and I feel like I'm having one of them right now. Alright - what is this next thing we have.
This I got from a - she is a psychology professor and she would prefer that I withheld her name. But we were talking, we were exchanging emails and I was talking about - as you guys know a very important topic to me is boys who were sexually violated or abused or molested or raped or even just sexualized. And I was asking for any insight that she had about how men deal with that. And she says... goddammit. You know what I don't... fucking train wreck. Oh train wreck - my fear has come true! My my fear is fucking... uh - no, here it is - I saved myself. I thought that I hadn't printed it out but I had. She writes, "Research shows that outward expressions of emotions vary between men and women with women showing their emotions more (not a surprise) but physiological responses are pretty much at the same level of intensity during an emotionally provocative moment (heart rate, blood pressure change, etc.). So it seems that boys and men feel things deeply, just as deeply as girls and women, but are crippled by the societal expectaton that they not express these feelings. I see this in my husband even though he was lucky enough not to have been abused. He is terrified of negative emotions such as fear and anxiety. He is not alone." She goes on to express a couple of other things but I think that's important for a lot of women to understand that have a partner who seems to shut down or ignore what's going on. There's kinda two thing and I battled this for years because I had two modes of expressing myself - completely shutting down or getting mean. And we don't know how to say that we're hurting because we don't see men saying that. We don't see it in the movies. We don't see it on television and we didn't see our fathers do it. But trust me - you hurt our feelings a lot of times and we make shit up that hurts us. And the world itself hurts us. And we are not - we are in the primitive stages of learning how to express that because we are so afraid of being called a pussy or a wimp or whatever we were taught we shouldn't be. So thank you my psychology professor friend for mentioning that.
This one I printed out but I'm not gonna read that one because I don't have that person's permission just yet to read that. We've got some more fears. This is from a listener named Carolyn she's 28 and she's a straight female. She writes, "I can't sleep. I fear that I will never move away from my hometown. I fear that I will lose my memory. I fear that one day something will happen and I will go blind. I fear panic attacks. I fear a career-ending sports injury resulting in me not being able to play the sport I love or run. I fear that I will lose a friend and also regret not spending time with them or making amends. I fear that my Dad will snap and shoot my Mom with a shotgun." Wow. "I fear that I will find my Dad dead, lying on the couch. I fear that my family will die in a car accident. I fear my niece will be molested or become an alcoholic. I fear a big earthquake, flood, asteroid or bomb will forever change the world that I live in if I'm alive. I fear that I will never overcome speaking in public, I will always shake uncontrollably. I fear that I will not find a guy that loves me and has the same values as I do. I fear that I will never be able to enjoy sex." That last one breaks my heart. I get with the "Shame and Secrets" survey a lot of people - I suppose it's no surprise - that a lot of people that were sexually violated they can't even go there. It's beyond like, "I don't like it when he kisses my neck". It's like they would be fine if their genitals were removed and they didn't have to deal with them. And I have to say I've gone through periods like that too where my sexuality just felt like a burden. That's not fun.
This is from a survey that I have up. I'd originally called it - I think I called it - "Younger Male, Older Female" and I wasn't explicit enough in what I was looking for and so I got a lot people filling it out where it was like, "The woman was thirty two and the guy was twenty two" and that's not what I was looking for. What I was looking for was where things crossed boundaries between a younger male and an older female. And so I renamed it (I think I have the name of it printed out here) but you'll see it. I believe it's called "Abuse or Violation Between a Younger Male and an Older Female" and this is filled out by a guy named Paul. And "choose any of the following that apply", he chose, "I'm a male who fantasizes about sexual situations with a much older female", "I'm a male who has been seduced by a much older female" and "I'm a male who has been molested by a much older female". "Please describe what happened", and he writes, "At thirteen I was staying with my best friend and his mom at their cabin. She was forty. She got me drunk on Peach Schnapps and had sex with me on the bed. She proceeded to have a 'relationship' with me for about a year. At fifteen, almost immediately after things ended with Mom Number One, a different friend's Mom had sex with me when I was staying over at their house. This continued for several months." I asked the question, "Did something happen? Did you tell anyone? Did you think it was normal? Do you believe it had any effect on you?", he writes, "When I was in my early twenties I actually bragged about it. It was only when I started to come to grips with other abuse in my childhood did I come to understand how fucked up their behavior was. I left home at fourteen due to the abuse of my parents which also had fucked up sexual stuff involved. I continue to have issues around intimacy and trust. Mom Number One made me feel safe and understood when I was going through the worst of my puberty. I hold her in a great deal of contempt for taking advantage of a young kid who needed anything but being taken advantage of." I want to - first of all - say how sorry I am that you had to go through that but I wanna say thank you so much for articulating what so many men feel and some of them only know it in a general way and can't quite express it. They know something inside of them has changed. Because their body had a sexual response, because they got an erection. And because society - I mean literally I read... there was an awesome article in the Washington Post about this and they were talking about what an uphill battle it is in getting society to stop seeing this as "Hey - thirteen year old kid scores with a twenty eight year old woman". And cops were high-fiving this kid and that creates such a fucking barrier for that kid to ever realize that your body can experience one thing and your soul experience something completely different. It's easy to figure out how our body responded but it is difficult to figure out what happened to our soul because it's complex, it's grey and there isn't any easy lightbulb that really goes off in our heads and it takes a lot of digging. And those beliefs that society has - that a twelve or thirteen year old kid is lucky to get fucked by a woman in her thirties of forties - it just makes that kid's road or that adult when he becomes an adult, his road so much more difficult. So thank you Paul for that. And no I did not fill this out - it is a different Paul. (whispers) God I'm paranoid. Some other questions on that one. "Remembering these things what feelings come up - sadness, anger, regret, sexual excitement, fondness, longing, shame, etc.?", he writes, "All of the above". "Do you feel that damage was done (it was innocent, natural or somewhere in between)?", he writes, "I continue to seek out situations where sex and flirting is confused with intimacy and where I never feel the safety and understanding that I need". Wow. That is so... it's amazing that he can articulate what it is that he knows he needs and he can't get there. That's how damaging shit is when it's done to our soul. And that's what I want people to understand about sex abuse and sexual violation is the issue of what happens to the body is not... I've been talking with a listener who when she was a girl her mom would expose herself to her and touch her in inappropriate ways and she felt like she shouldn't complain because she you know she wasn't raped by her father. And it's somebody mishandling your soul that is the issue. It's not what was done to your genitals - it's being used. It's somebody who was supposed to protect you using you - that's at the heart of it. And I think I've probably said that before on the podcast so I apologize if I'm kinda getting a little soapboxey about that. To the question "If you have ever experienced one of these situations and it is only a fantasy how does that fantasy make you feel? Do you feel it is something that might happen someday?". I guess that doesn't really apply to him because this stuff actually happened, he writes, "The body type of Mom Number One - busty, short and on the heavy side continues to be my type". And he's a bisexual male who's in his thirties and he writes a really nice thing at the end to the "Do you have any comments on how to make the podcast better?", he writes, "Just be good to yourself. I can only speak for myself but your podcast has been a big help to me. I feel less alone in the world because of it". And you know the beauty of that is when I read that I feel less alone. I feel less fucked up. I don't even care that that didn't make it into the garbage can - that's how carefree I am with my new format tonight.
By the way - it is 2:34 in the morning. I'm recording this ahead of time because I'm going to to Catalina to spend some time with friends and I'm really looking forward to that. Catalina's a little island off the coast of California. But this survey was filled out by a male named Matt. W. He's straight, is in his thirties, raised in a stable and safe environment, never been sexually abused. "Deepest Darkest Thoughts", he writes, "I'm most ashamed of not having enough life experiences, only being with three women and being twenty eight. I'm ashamed because I had to move back in with my parents and have been there for over a year now. I always want to lie to people because I'm ashamed of the truth. I have extreme self-hate and never give people the benefit of the doubt to know the real me. When I was younger I used to have fantasies about killing the people I went to high school with." Join the fucking club! "But now they say that was an irrational thought on my part brought on by jealousy and selfishness. I'm in therapy but it doesn't seem to be helping. I'm also ashamed for looking at porn. I do it probably once a day but I still feel like I shouldn't. I wish this was more congruent but I can't help rambling, sorry Paul". Well - join the club in terms of feeling disjointed and apologetic. "What sexual fantasies are most powerful to you?" He writes, "Having a threesome, having a girl let me finish on her face and in her mouth. Having a girl lick my asshole. Pretty pedestrian - I know I'm not very interesting". "Did you ever consider telling a partner or close friend your fantasies?", he writes, "I told a girl who was a friend with benefits but that's it". Under "Deepest Darkest Secrets", he writes, "That I used to lie all the time about nearly every aspect of my life. That I've only been with three women. I honestly don't have it that bad, I'm really just a lazy coward." Wow - the words that we use to put ourselves down. If we talked to somebody else (like that) they'd punch us right in the fucking teeth. And you know I've been thinking about this word 'lazy' lately because I've thrown it around my whole life and I've called myself lazy. And I was talking with some friends tonight and that word came up again and I thought "you know what - it's kind of an unnecessarily harsh word" because for a lot of us, especially those who suffer from depression, we're not lazy. We sometimes lack inspiration and there seem to be two types of people in the world - those who thrive on structure and can stick to it and those that thrive on inspiration. And I think I fall into the category where I've never been able to follow a structured life. And when I'm passionate about something I put in sixteen hour days - I'll do it six days a week. So I'm not lazy. But that fucking negative voice in my head. When I wake up at noon - doesn't matter that I was up until three in the morning reading surveys and emailing people and redesigning the website. I don't do that - I don't know why I threw that one in there. Coming up with ideas for the website. And yet I call myself lazy. So maybe we should think of it as uninspired - I'm feeling uninspired. I think for some reason I got a little hope when I thought about that. I just felt more - felt like I was just being nice to myself in a way that didn't make me feel cheesy. Alright - continuing with Matt's survey. "Do these secrets and thoughts generate any particular feelings toward yourself?", he writes, "I'm very ashamed for not having the ability to embrace the real me and am extremely angry and bitter for caring so much about what other people think of me. I'm also worried that I really like feeling sorry for myself and want others to do the same. I'm afraid that I have a victim complex and always want to act like I've been slighted in some way. I want to be liked by everyone and when I'm not I experience a tremendous amount of self hate". I know I say this all the time but God do I relate to that. That is how I felt when I was in my twenties. I so wanted the world to just say "You are special" and just give me a fucking hug and let me cry and listen to me and tell me that my feelings were valid. Well Matt, I can tell you your feeling are valid - they are valid. And getting over the part about people worrying what other people think of you - that is a hard place to get to and it takes a lot of work. And I've found that the only thing for me that can replace that critical voice in my head that tells me everybody looks down their nose at me - the only thing that can replace that is when I am of service to other people - when I do nice things for people not from a place of neediness but from a place of abundance I guess is the right word, that I want to do this. Because it feels good and because it's the right thing to do. Not because I want to do this because I want someone to see me doing it or I want something from you later. The more I do those things the less I care what people think of me. I know it's hard to imagine that there was a time when I cared more about what people think of me than the me you see right now but believe me. And that's one of the things I think that made me so suicidal was... you're putting your emotional well-being in other peoples' hands - that's insanity. It is absolute insanity but if we don't - if we don't have anything that's kind of filling us outside of the material world - if we're not doing any esteem-building - that's where we go to. And it's such a dangerous place. It's such a dangerous place. "Any comments to make the podcast better?", he says, "No I enjoy the show very much right now just how it is but if you do change things I'll more than likely still like the show just as much". Matt - I just want to give you a big hug. Just a big fucking hug. I wonder if I hugged you and just held it way too long - just like six hours - and you were just too nice to say anything. Making that noise that Dads make when they're working under the sink (whispers something inaudible). Neck's starting to hurt. Can't say anything. And then suddenly I just push you away and go, "What are you a fucking homo?". Would that fuck you up Matt? And now I'm worried people are "You're homophobic?" Fuck you, go fuck yourself. I know you guys enjoy that sometimes when I say that. Those of you that enjoyed that - go fuck yourselves. How do you like that?
This is the "Shame and Secrets" survey. It was filled out by a female who's straight and in her twenties and the name that she uses is it called ellipses when it's the dot dot dot at the end of a sentence. That's what she calls herself. Raised in a pretty dysfunctional environment, never been sexually abused. "Deepest Darkest Thoughts", she writes, "Sometimes I wish I could shove my mother down the magic toilet and flush her away". Let me know where that is by the way and what it's gonna run me. Now I feel terrible that I said that about my mother. I'm kidding... kind of. She writes, "I hope by doing so I will also flush away all the trauma and damage she has done to me". I don't think English is - I remember this one now and I don't think English is her first language. She writes, "If my mother disappeared I will finally be good enough, all the cultural oppression, emotional and physical abuse will all be erased". "Sexual fantasies most powerful to you", she likes having sex out in public. "Did you ever consider telling a partner or close friend your fantasies?", she writes, "Yes I would". "Deepest Darkest Secrets", she writes, "I remember when I was four my mother tried to teach me how to count with numbers. For some reason I was having a hard time grasping the concept. After three tries she ran out of patience. Before I could run my mother picked me up with my hair and started twirling me around the room - and she puts in parentheses - like Ms. Trunchbull did in the movie Matilda. Sometimes she will beat me with a whip behind closed doors - I was under the age of five - for no reason. I vividly remember my Dad would frantically bang on the door to want to rescue me from the beating but it only made her angrier. She would always yell back to him by saying, "I am the one that gave her life and therefore I can take it away anytime I want so you better fucking stop banging on the door". In addition to all of that she would often tell me that if she could turn time back she wishes that I was never born. Oh gosh I hope I am making sense. I have never put all of those in words before." Well - I don't need to articulate how fucking heartbreaking that is and how common that is. Certainly not to make light of what has happened to you by any means just to talk about how primitive we still are as a race of people - as human beings. And the thing - the way I look at people like your mom - that did that stuff is she doesn't want... I don't believe your mother wants to do that. I believe a part of her knows that's wrong but I believe human beings experience feelings that overwhelm them and some people have a limited amount of tools to deal with those feelings that are overwhelming. And I don't know if that makes it any easier to look at someone like that because she's a fucking monster. You know that... she's a fucking monster. Somebody that would swing their child around by their fucking hair... and there's more. "Do these secrets and thoughts generate any particular feelings toward yourself?", she writes, "I used to feel so abandoned and alone as a little girl - I constantly felt that I was unwanted. I also had deep body image issues as a little girl. She would always condition me by telling me how ugly I am and hated the essence of my being. Of course all of these things definitely affect me in a profound way." And then she writes, "Keep up the good work Paul - I love the show" and 'love' is in big letters. That's the thing - I don't know what the word is to describe it but I'll read "My mom swung me around by the hair and my Dad did this" and then "I love the show - keep up the great work!" and it's like - wow - the fucking resiliency of the human spirit. The fucking shit that people endure and still find love inside themselves to give to someone else - that is beautiful. And that just struck me reading that - your fucking mom - the monster that she is could not snuff the light out of you.
This is a "Shame and Secrets" survey filled out by a female she's bisexual - calls herself Starla Dear and she's in twenties, raised in a totally chaotic environment. "Ever been the victim of sexual abuse", she writes, "Yes and I reported it" and "Yes and I never reported it". So I guess there was more than one instance. She writes, "My dad would make sexually inappropriate comments to me and I never reported it. I was raped when I was eighteen - I never reported that and it took me a year to realize it wasn't my fault. Four years later I was sexually assaulted in public and I reported it and the man went to jail." "What are your deepest darkest thoughts?", she writes, "I have anorexia, multiple anxiety disorders and depression. I want to be sick enough to be hospitalized in a psych ward or an eating disorder clinic so people finally realize how much I'm hurting and that I'm not just being dramatic". I've experienced that so many times. I used to dream... I remember being a little kid and dreaming of breaking my arm so I would get sympathy and so that I would get special treatment and when this stuff happened with my Mom about five months ago and I kinda had my meltdown... if you guys haven't listened to the first episode with Dr. Zucker - I kinda go into detail about it there. So when this stuff first came out I wanted to be checked into a psych ward because I felt like... you know that David Bowie song where Major Tom is floating in space, that's what I felt like. I felt like my tether that connected me to sanity and/or humanity had been snipped. It's like - oh my God - up was down, left was right, I didn't know what the truth was. I was suddenly faced with what seemed like a new truth but I didn't know whether or not I could believe it. Am I making it up? Am I exaggerating? Dr. Zucker is telling me I'm not. My wife is telling me I'm not, that I've been waiting twenty years for you to say this. But there's a voice in my head so clear telling me, "You're exaggerating, you're a liar, you're a baby, you're doing it for attention". And so the desire to just go into a psych ward and just be... to just lay in bed and not have to do anything and to just be catatonic and be given medicine or valium or whatever and to have people see... the outsides represent what my insides are and I think that's a really... That's such a beautiful, human thing to want - is to want to be loved and cared for and nurtured and protected and to be thought of. So you're not being dramatic - I say find people, I'm gonna finish reading her survey and then I'll be a pompous ass. "What sexual fantasies are most powerful to you?", she writes, "I have no sexual fantasies - I want to be done with sex. I don't masturbate. I do have sex with my boyfriend when I feel like I have to but I haven't had an orgasm in three or four months". You know - at the risk of overstepping my boundaries and because as I say I'm not a therapist but I did in the late nineties do a really sweet chunk about blow jobs. At the risk of overstepping my boundaries - my opinion is if you don't want to have sex don't have it. And somebody that loves you will understand that. And if they don't - go to counselling together and get an objective opinion on it because I've gone through periods where I've felt shut down sexually and it's - my body may have responded eventually it gets into the mood and it has an orgasm but there's part of me that felt like, used is too strong of a word because there was no manipulation going on, it was somebody I loved but it felt, it felt false. It felt like I wasn't being true to myself. I guess that's what I'm trying to say is don't be afraid to be true to yourself. And sex is such an intimate thing. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm wrong on this one. "Would you ever consider telling a partner or close friend your fantasies?", she writes, "No - too hurtful". "Deepest Darkest Secrets", she writes, "I had an abortion several years ago and I feel ashamed about it and I know it was the right decision but I kept this and the rape and a few other things away from my family because I know they will judge me harshly for both and I don't think I can handle it". If you think they are gonna judge you I say - absolutely do not tell them because that will just re-traumatize you. That bums me out so much when I hear rape victims... them being traumatized again by people questioning that it happened and put some type of blame on them and that is uncool - I don't know what the word is. I've worked myself up into a bit of a word frenzy. I have a little soapbox that I get up on. "Any comments to make the show better?" "I love the podcast, the show is one of the things I cling to to keep me here". Fuck. To say that I want to give you a hug... You know I get, I get that people saying that and I feel a couple of different things. I feel a little bit of pressure but the much bigger emotion is I feel grateful. I feel grateful for all the pain I've ever experienced, for all the disappointments, for all the things that went wrong, all the teams I didn't get picked for, all the girls that turned me down, all the awkward sexual experiences, all the mean things my mom said, all the times my dad ignored me. Being sixteen years old and lying on my driver's license that I was five feet a hundred pounds. All of that shit is like currency that I can now spend and get love from people that have that currency. It's like we have our own little banking system. It's like we have these moldy, rotten dollar bills that I've been carrying around going, "Goddammit, nobody takes these anywhere! It stinks - why was I stuck with these?". And then I find you people and we compare our pain and it just... it makes... I feel like that feeling that I'm three steps behind the universe, like I'm finally in sync wth the universe and I'm not questioning where I should be and what I'm doing and the fact that I'm not earning the money I used to - I don't care about any of that when I get an email like that.
On to the next one. How are we for time? Who gives a fuck it's my podcast. Look at me. "Shame and Secrets" survey - male, straight, calls himself Dude Pal. Straight but he also writes - depends on the day - lately asexual. He's in his thirties, raised in a environment that was a little dysfunctional. He writes, "It was what I'm guessing was atypical. There were arguments between my parents but it was almost always about money. He didn't mean 'atypical' - he meant it was typical I think. The typos fuck me up on this cuz I have to somehow interpret that. What's the word - I have to translate the typos so you guys understand. "Ever been the victim of sexual abuse?", he writes, "No". "Deepest Darkest Thoughts", he writes, "I would like to destroy the places of employment I feel have emotionally abused me. I would also like to do that to the financial institutions what they did in Fight Club for the same reasons they did." Well let me know what day and where to show up cuz I'll be there with a fucking claw hammer and spikes sticking out of my boots. I... that is - I work really hard to let go of resentments I have but resentments I have at Wall Street and financial institutions and the amount of pain they have heaped on America and it's really a handful of people who have just manipulated shit. I hope they don't sleep well at night - I really don't and I know I'm getting negative but they... I'm gonna say this and I don't know if it's political or not but Goldman Sachs have fucked this country harder than Al Qaeda could ever dream. There - I said it - let the emails pour in. Al Qaeda didn't obliterate hundreds of millions of peoples' retirement money. I literally - in a year - went from "Holy - I might be able to retire at such and such to - yep, guess I'm working the rest of my life". Sure they didn't kill people like Al Qaeda did. Alright - now I'm backpedalling - fuck you. Fuck you - you disagree with me - fuck you. Go fuck yourself. You know what - I hope you can actually find a way to molest yourself. I hope you go back in a time machine and fucking molest yourself. Really uncomfortable with where I'm going right now. I have painted myself into a creepy little corner. Alright - back to Dude Pal's survey. "What are the sexual fantasies most powerful to you?", he writes, "The main one is where I'm completely out of control - I'm blindfolded and tied and fucked really hard in almost every way possible". Sounds kinda hot. "Ever tell a close friend?", he says, "No - I tried to tell a close friend but it seems to taboo so I struggle in bringing it up. It's quite frustrating that we can't freely talk about things like that". That does suck because it's really nice that - to have friends that you can talk about shit with. I have probably about a dozen friends that we talk about all the shit that comes into our heads and the things that we think about and the fantasies and all that and it's really nice to do that and not be judged. So there are people out there but yeah it's hard sometimes knowing who to open up to and who not. "Deepest Darkest Secrets", he writes, "My deepest darkest secrets are more about how I feel instead of things I've done or had happen to me. I've had a pretty vanilla life. I feel like I have tons of skill and personality and there's no way I'm going to be appreciated by people and companies that I'd like to." "Do these secrets and thought generate any particular feelings toward yourself?", he writes, "It makes me feel worthless. It makes me feel worth less than I am. There are constant feelings of despair that I won't be able to get good work to get out of my debt and then I won't be able to take this huge stress off of my shoulders so that I can focus on other areas where I need to be happier". Man - I can't tell you how many people say that exact same thing and I know that doesn't make that go away but Dude Pal you are not alone - you are so not alone and I've really had an assfull of the ugly side of corporate America - really. "Any comments or suggestions to make the show better?", he says, "At the moment no - I greatly appreciate the show and wanted more of it while I was working at my last emotionally abusive job". Thought of a really awful trick would have been to hire somebody to come in and on one side of the headphone go "What the fuck are you listening to?". Scare you? See the problem with doing this thing without editing it?
This is another survey, filled out by a guy who calls himself Bro. Of course he's straight, is in his twenties, pretty dysfunctional environment he was raised in. "Ever been the victim of sexual abuse?", he writes, "Some stuff happened but I don't know if it counts as sexual abuse". "Deepest Darkest Thoughts", he writes, "Killing myself, sucking cock, rape, incest, manipulation, drug abuse". I like that Bro surprised me and went 'sucking cock'. Good for you. Good for you, breaking down that 'bro' stereotype. What would a 'bro' say - sucking another guy's cock - "Bro that is a sweet helmet - I am rocking the shit outta your fucking helmet. Dude - after you come in my mouth we are so watching Sports Center". And by the way, those Deepest Darkest Thoughts - that I think is so run-of-the-mill for guys in their twenties. You know when I was in my twenties I was walking around with a perpetual fucking hard-on. I would look at a fire hydrant and go, "Wonder what my dick would look like in that". An old lady would walk by, "What would it be like to fuck her in the ass". You know - fat guy getting on the bus, "I wonder - spread his ass cheeks - wonder what that would look like?". I don't care that people know that those are the thoughts that go through my head because I know other people would think that. Like someone would be walking down the street and, "what would it look like if a sheet of glass cut their head clean off? I wonder - would you be able to see the neck bone, would it look like one of those Flintstone steaks that they toss Dino?" And then I'd think, "Oh - I'm a monster because I think these things". No - human being. "Sexual Fantasies Most Powerful to You", he writes, "Dominating a woman, sucking a cock". Sucking a cock - coming back! Dominating, sucking cock. Dominating a woman, sucking a cock. Coming out of the turn. "Did you ever consider telling a partner or a close friend about your fantasies?", he writes, "Possibly". "Deepest Darkest Secrets" "Jerked off by a man, seeing a prostitute, addicted to opium". I smoked opium once and that is some sweet shit. I was - the first thing I thought after I got high was "Thank God there isn't more of this". I don't know where it came from, I only smoked it once, I was sixteen years old. It never came around my neighborhood again but um yeah... I hope that thing about being jerked off my a man - um - I hope you're okay with that. I think a lot of guys - obviously it's changing as our society becomes less homophobic but I get a lot of these surveys where guys are really tortured about their sexuality, much more so than women. And uh which isn't surprising as our society really has a double standard - you know. But I hope you're I hope you're cool with that - unless it was an abusive thing in which case good luck to ya. You like how I just threw him under the bus? Same bus the fat guy's showing me his asshole. If I have a single listener left by the end of this I will be shocked. "Do these secrets and thoughts generate any particular feelings toward yourself?", he writes, "Repugnance". That might be the first time anyone's used that word on the survey and I like it! I like me a big, fancy English word right underneath "Jerked off by a man". I love it. I like this guy. Dark - he's articulate, got a little bit of 'bro' in him. I like ya. "Comments" "Talk more about the mental fog or lack of clarity that comes with depression and anxiety". I'm glad you brought that up - bro. That is one of the most fucked things about depression is... I was so relieved the first time I heard that that was one of the hallmarks of depression is difficulty making decisions and feeling mentally cloudy. It's like, "Oh my God that's what I've been experiencing!" I always thought it was just a personal weakness on my part. The reason I couldn't keep my thoughts together, to finish reading a book or to do something or couldn't make a decision on something. That, that - to me - is the catch twenty two that is so cruel sometimes about depression and mental illness is you don't feel like helping yourself and you don't know where to begin helping yourself. So it's like you've been hit by a car and your only phobia is you have a fear of ambulances. Go enjoy that. I've said it before on the podcast but there's two different listeners that I corresponded with - one has cerebral palsy and the other one has thyroid cancer and they both said - and they both live with depression - and they both said that those other things are nothing compared to living with depression. That made me feel... I don't know if vindicated is the right word. How many times do I fucking say that in an episode? I don't know if that's the right word - I don't give a fuck if it's not the right word. (sings) Coming apart at the seams.
This "Shame and Secrets" survey - that seems to be the most popular one and I have to say I enjoy reading this one the most because I think it's the most telling. You know the one I would really like people to fill out more - if I could do a little 'call to action' is the "Happy Moments from Your Life" - I would like more of those. And people don't really seem to be um - telling kind of a story with it - maybe people just aren't good at telling stories but it'll be like "Oh my high school team won a trophy in track". I don't know how to describe it but there's a... I want to know what it felt like - what thoughts were going through your head? What did your body feel like? There's been a couple that I've read here on the show and when someone really nails it it's like just a beautiful movie where you're just reminded of how awesome life can be. Because reading these surveys - you know - it's while I want to present an accurate portayal, certainly today where I'm doing a "Day in the Life of" stuff I've received it can get a little - it can get a little heavy. I'm telling you guys something that you're quite aware of. But I like these - like I love the "Love Off" and I just want some more love and some more 'up'. So if you've got happy stuff and it doesn't have to be the happiest moment in your life - cuz that's kinda hard to pick one. So pick some moments that where it felt great to be alive. How 'bout that? So that's my call to action - go to the website mentalpod.com, click on the little thing for the surveys and then scroll through the six different surveys you can take.
This was filled out by Brit, she's female, straight, nineteen, raised in an environment that was a little dysfunctional. "Ever been the victim of sexual abuse?", she writes, "Some stuff happened but I don't know if it counts as sexual abuse. My best friend's cousin and I had a 'relationship' (that's in quotes) when I was twelve years old where he would shove me into a closet and make me give him head. For some stupid reason to this day I think about him and wish that I could go back and be sexual with him again." I don't know why that is. I don't know why... because that's obviously - there's like a traumatic part there... Sometimes the human brain - it puzzles me what turns us on. "Deepest Darkest Thoughts", she writes, "I frequently make up scenarios in my head like me getting cancer and people feeling sorry for me or getting hurt in some sort of way. I make up arguments between me and my husband in my head and act out what I would say to him". I used to do that all the time. I would do that when I was driving in the car and I'd be pounding on the steering wheel, screaming what I wanted to say and I'd look over and someone would quickly look away. And this was before like you had bluetooth so it was obvious I was talking to myself. In fact, the month I knew I needed therapy, I was I think I was twenty four years old and I was in downtown Chicago and it was in a congested area where there was a lot of people at lunch and a lot of foot traffic and the light turned green but a lot of people had were just finishing crossing the streets from the other way and so more people were going and they weren't even looking at the light thinking "I can freely walk behind them". So the light is green and people continually are still walking in front of the crosswalk in front of me and I was late for something and I'm laying on the horn and nobody is listening to me which - if you listen to the podcast - you know that is my fucking, that is my button. Being ignored, being discounted, being invisible - my deepest, darkest nightmare and I'm laying on the horn and nobody is moving. People are still walking and I'm leaning out the window screaming "Move you motherfuckers, goddammit get out of the fucking!" and all of a sudden this guy's face is right in front of me. It was like he stepped out of a time machine from nineteen fifty. Had the fedora on, in a suit, he's got the overcoat, the briefcase and with a completely calm, serious face looks right at me and he goes, "Son - get a hold of yourself". And I started laughing. I was like, "Oh my God - I'm crazy - I need help" and I started in therapy after that. I believe that guy came down on a space ship. Actually - I believe he came out of that fat guy's ass on the bus and he ran over - saw me losing my shit. Oh - she was saying "I make up arguments in my head between me and my husband and I act out what I'm going to say to him" "What sexual fantasies are most powerful to you?", she says, "I think about my husband taking control of me and making me sexually please him. We would use cuffs and he would pull my hair and tell me how I was his bitch". "Would you ever tell a partner or close friend?", she writes, "No - I'm afraid my husband would think I was insane and treat me differently". That kinda makes me sad because that just seems like kind of fun role-playing and if he wasn't genuinely degrading you outside the bedroom I think that could be like a healthy thing to explore. Maybe you try. What would be a safe way to do that? You could do that lame thing, "Hey - I have this friend who's really into this and she wants to tell her husband - what do you think?" That might work - you never know. Maybe her husband's never been out from underneath a rock. "Deepest Darkest Secrets", she writes, "My friend and I would sneak into her mom and dad's room and watch their porn videos and use their sex toys". "Do these secrets and thoughts generate any particular feelings toward yourself?", she writes, "I feel embarassed and disgusted with myself, I wish I realized how gross and fucked up that is". You know - you were a young adult - I think that you should cut yourself a little bit of slack here. One of these days instead of being nice and telling people they should go easier on themselves I'm just gonna bring the hammer down on some poor motherfucker. Guy's like, "I've got a little bit of a foot fetish and I don't know what" and just read it "You fucking monster - you foot fucking gargoyle. Move to an island and fuck your own feet you pig. Good night. Thanks for listening. You are alone." Maybe I do that one of these times.
Alright - we're at the final one. This is from Sock Monkey. She's a female, she's bi, in her thirties, totally chaotic environment she was raised in. She was the victim of sexual abuse and never reported it. "Deepest Darkest Thoughts", she writes, "Used to be a lot of suicidal stuff but having switched to homicidal thoughts I'm a lot more calm. Blood and gore - maybe I will write a zombie book with all the gore in my head". I think that would be a super-healthy outlet for that. "Sexual fantasies most powerful to you", she writes, "Power play - giving up control. Taking it - being raped consensually. The one that makes me feel shame is the fantasies about being molested. It happened a lot and I get the 'reclaiming your experience' thing but it can't not feel dirty". What she's referring to is the often said - for instance if someone's been raped or molested and then they have a fantasy about it happening again they're - they don't want it to happen again in real life. It's their brain's way of trying to erase what happened by them going back and instead of somebody deciding when it's going to happen they choose to allow it to happen so they have the control - as opposed to the control being taken from them. And that's what she's referring to and it's super, super common. "Would you ever consider telling a partner or close friend your fantasies?", she writes, "I would have said no before or 'I hope someday' but I realize these are things I would have to share on the ground floor". "Deepest Darkest Secrets", she writes, "I've never really allowed anyone to know me. I read people too well and tell them exactly what they want to hear". That's a tough way to go through life cuz I did it for a long fucking time and it makes you crazy. It slowly makes you crazy. If you don't begin to try to get comfortable with who you are and to own your feelings. Know there are no wrong feelings - there are only unhealthy ways of dealing with how they make us feel. That sounded pretty smart didn't it? "Do these secrets and thoughts generate any particular feelings toward yourself?", she writes, "The feeling is that I'm unlovable because no one knows me. I makes me irritated, like I feel like I've failed to generate a real personality". Well - I don't think you've failed because your filling this survey out. You're obviously moving forward. You're obviously interested in improving how you express yourself and you're looking for intimacy and that is the most important thing. I think the place that we want to avoid is isolating - sitting for twelve hours, playing a video game, letting the phone ring, watching porn. I've been there - I've fucking run the wheels off that. I had a period of about five years where I wasted so much time and let no one know what I was thinking or feeling because I didn't even know what I was thinking or feeling and that's sad. But somebody asking for help and... I got an email from somebody and even though this wasn't done today I'm gonna reference this. Somebody said, "You talk a lot about asking for help. What do you do if you ask for help and you're rejected?" Simple - you keep asking for help. That is part of the deal of being human, of being on earth is nothing is guaranteed. Rejection is a part of life but the more we ask for help the better we are able to identify people that are helpful and you begin to sense an empathy in somebody. Something in their eyes, the way they speak, the way they carry themselves, the conversation you've had with them previously. And you begin to sense who you need to put a wall up to protect yourself from and who you can take the wall down and wave over and say, "Hey - come on over - I want our lives to connect". And that has brought me back from the brink of being suicidal - those connections. And what I love about this show is I get to experience those what I just read in the last seventy four minutes - I get to experience that every day. Yeah some of it's dark and some of it's fucked up but at the heart of it are people that are turning towards the light - that want more of the light. And that is beautiful. You know that is - that's what's so great about being human that person, that woman whose mom twirled her around by the hair - she still had that spark of life in her that put the word 'love' in capital letters with an exclamation point. That's the seekers - that's the word I'm looking for. So if you're out there and you're feeling fucked up as long as you're seeking you're facing the right direction, you're moving in the right direction. And it doesn't mean that shit's not gonna hit you and you'll hurt your leg and fall down or look stupid but if you keep moving in that direction you do get more to life - you absolutely do. And I know because that's what I've been doing for the last ten years. And it's awesome - it's a fucking rollercoaster ride. But you know I wouldn't want to live a life without pain because it makes joy that much easier. You know if we lived a life that didn't have any pain in it and there was nothing scary and we woke up everyday and everything was on time and nobody got upset and everything tasted good and nobody ever died and somebody came along and said, "Hey - there's this world where every once in a while somebody just fucking disappears and you can like lose your job and it scares the fuck out of you". And people would be, "What does that mean - scared - what is that?". I don't know - I can't describe it - you gotta go experience it." They'd be lined up around the fucking block to experience it and they'd come back and be, "Oh my God oh my God - I didn't think I was gonna work again for like a month and then I got this awesome job. Yeah - me too! Wasn't that cool!" Why don't we go through life like that? Why do we always think that everything is the end? And why don't we just accept it that it's the - it's the valley that makes the mountain higher - I love that. I love that and the longer I keep seeking the more I'm okay with whatever happens on the rollercoaster. There's so much that's out of our control you might as well throw your hands up and enjoy the fucking ride - that's how I feel. And if you don't like it. Well - I'm glad I did this. I don't know if it was a train wreck or not but I enjoyed it and if you don't like it I'll be in Catalina snorkelling, having fun and I will see you guys next week and if you're out there and you're stuck just keep seeking. Don't worry about rejection - you'll get better at it. You'll get better at it. And the universe has a weird way of helping us when we turn toward the light and try to better ourselves so you're not alone. And thanks for listening.
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