Listener Anne

Listener Anne

Hi Paul, I just finished listening to the episode of your podcast with Jessica Zucker. This message is somewhat self-indulgent, but I’ll justify it by thinking that it will be nice for you to hear this. It was cathartic to hear, in essensce, that if you feel sexualized by a parent then it is abuse. I have always felt as though I make these things up because I want to be a victim. My father would always ask me if I liked boys yet and would always say I knew more about sex than I would tell him. My father would also let me sleep in his bed when I was 10-13, and I feel like that’s my fault because I wanted to. Even when I was older we would still kiss to say goodbye. He was abusive when I was little, and would be emotionally abusive. I’m 17, and have not talked to him for three years. He used to manipulate me by telling me that his apartment could be forclosed and he had trouble paying for food which he knew made me pity him, because I was more his mother than he was my father, in order to get me to tell my mother to invite him over for dinner. He messed up my body image by constantly telling me that I should exercise and repeatedly talking negatively about the way my mom ate. I still feel like he violates me because even though I cut him from my life he sends me mail. He called me last year telling me that my grandfather was dying (my grandfather who never gave me any positive attention as a child, and when I tried to get his attention he would ignore me. Petty, I know.) and telling me he knew I would ‘do the right thing’. Even after he’s gone, my mother is emotionally abusive. I always feel like she thinks I’m a disappointment. My sister ruins every positive day for me (induction into Art Honors Society, my sacrements though I’m no longer religious) by refocusing the attention on herself. My sister also tries to take on the role of my mother but what I really need is a sister, not more discipline. No one but my sister truly accepts my bisexuality, and that hurts. I seek abusive relationships and lost my virginity at 14 to a boy three years older than me, who treated me awfully, because he felt bad that he was the only virgin of his three brothers. I never wanted to start anything sexual, but I felt like it was childish to say no. I’m so anxious that I developed Trichotillomania and used to pull out my own hair for four years, and my father told me I looked like him when he was a boy. I’d always wanted to be like him, and that was detrimental. I haven’t pulled for a year now, so all the anxiety I covered up with pulling has cropped up. I have a serial fear of being raped, and even more I fear enjoying it. I think I’ve layed too much of my crap on you at this point. I’m sorry, but something makes me feel like you will really understand. Thank you for reading this. Your podcast has really helped me feel less alone. I know I’m really young and this makes me feel like I’m enhancing the gravity of these situations. Thank you for your podcast, thank you for sharing your experiences, and thank you for being yourself.