How Healthy Habits Replaced My Medication – Guest Post by Jacob Moore

How Healthy Habits Replaced My Medication – Guest Post by Jacob Moore

This is a guest post by Jacob Moore, author of the blog, Better Than Depression.

Note from the editor: This post contains one person’s experience with their own mental health journey. We support everyone in their own journey towards living and thriving with mental illness. There is no shame in taking medication or not taking medication. Please consult with your mental health professional and never discontinue your medication without consulting a medical professional.

 

How Healthy Habits Replaced My Medication

Depression has been in my life for so long it’s part of my identity.

Or, it was.

It started as anxiety. I was five. I was born into a Christian family. Not only that, my dad’s a pastor.

Kindergarten is when kids in my church started getting baptized. When my classroom peers started getting dunked, I signed up.

I couldn’t understand why there was a God or why we needed a Christ, but I knew it would all make sense once I went under the water.

My dad held my nose and pushed me under, and I came back up different: I was wet.

So, I lied. I said I knew God and why I needed Jesus, and that lie was the start of my anxiety which eventually blossomed into depression.

Looking back with the knowledge I have now, I was most likely going to end up with anxiety and depression whether I told that lie or not. Both are rampant on Mom and Dad’s side of the family. But I specifically remember the feeling of shame that came with those lies, and the anxiety that followed with the fear of being found out.

About five years after the dunk, the anxiety started to physically affect my heart. In moments of high anxiety, my heart would skip a beat or two, and then get back on track with a hard beat. I was diagnosed with a heart condition, and the cardiologist knew I had to have been under severe stress, but because my parents were in the room, he had to be told lies, too, and the condition’s reason for developing was left a mystery.

High school is when my mind could no longer take the constant state of anxiety, and I fell into a deep depression. I fantasized about suicide, I cut my skin whenever I was alone, and I started becoming delusional. Night times were filled with violent night terrors, and I did everything I could to avoid sleeping. The lack of sleep plus the current state of my mental health had me in a constant state of fear and confusion. I became scared of experiencing physical touch with someone because I was worried I’d accidentally hurt them.

I finished high school, I went to college, I dropped out of college.

I moved around a bit working odd jobs to make just enough money to not be homeless until I ended up in my grandparents’ bonus room above their garage. My grandpa bought a carpet cleaning business and I started working for him. When I wasn’t working, I’d sit in my room with whatever alcohol I could get my hands on and blow cigarette smoke out the window while watching TV. I was nineteen. I was addicted to cigarettes, I was needing alcohol more and more, I was a college dropout, and besides my grandparents, I was alone.

One week, they were on vacation and I came down from my bonus room and gathered all the prescription pills I could find. I swallowed them with a bottle of Nyquil and then did the most religious thing since my baptism: As my eyelids grew impossibly heavy, I hoped to God I would be falling asleep for the last time.

A few months later, I started therapy.

I was prescribed anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. They worked. I was in dire need.

The anti-anxiety medication, though, was a little too good. I was supposed to only take one to sleep at night or when I was feeling exceptionally anxious. Sometimes I’d take three or four in the morning and suddenly it would be the end of the day and my face would hurt from smiling so much.

I also didn’t love how slow the pills made my mind. My therapist said they were supposed to slow things down just enough so that I would be able to make healthier choices, and they certainly did, but I also felt weighed down.

Being a quick thinker was one of the few things I liked about me. Being a substance addict was one of the many identities I feared I was becoming.

I decided as soon as I was able, I would ask to be weaned off the medication.

For the first time in my life, I started taking care of myself. I moved back to my hometown and got a gym membership and started lifting weights with my brother and dad. I started watching what I ate, cutting sugar and drinking more water. I started controlling my sleep, going to bed at a decent time and not allowing myself to stay in bed until noon. And about six to eight months after being put on medication, I was weaned off it.

That was roughly six years ago. I haven’t been back on medication. I’m healthier and happier than I ever realized a human could be. Yes, I still sometimes end up in the pits, but overall, I am many mountains above where I once lived.

Now, I have my healthy habits much more honed, and if I follow them, I live healthily.

I wake up at 4:30 AM.

I drink a glass of water and make my coffee.

As my coffee cools, I meditate for ten minutes.

I drink my coffee while writing in my meditation journal.

Depending on what day it is, I’ll either continue sitting at my desk and write, or I’ll suit up and head to the gym. I’ve fallen in love with barbell training. I used to hate people who exercise, and now I love the cold metal of a heavy barbell in my hands. I love the sound it makes as it’s pulled off the rack. I love the calluses it’s formed below each of my fingers.

I’ll eat a breakfast of scrambled eggs and quinoa, take my supplements, shower, and head to work.

As stupidly simple as my mornings may seem, they are lifesavers. Waking up early makes me feel like I’m beating the day before it can beat me. Meditating gives me the reigns of my mind. Writing has given me goals and helped me define a purpose. Lifting weights helps me sweat out all the bad that naturally forms in my body, and weekly goals to complete as I try to outlift the me who lifted last week. Eating a good breakfast with my vitamins and oils gives me the nutrients I need to power through the day.

When I get the chance to talk to someone about the depression they are experiencing, the first thing I ask them about is their nutrition. The amount of people drinking more soda than water is staggering. I encourage them to first start cutting sugars and drinking a lot of water.

Then I’ll try to get them exercising. A lot of people will first act like they don’t have the time. But when asked about how much time they spend on social media or Netflix, they’ll realize just how free their schedule is. I encourage them to start simple: start with walking the neighborhood, or if they can handle it, go for a light jog. If lifting weights interests them, I encourage them to get a gym membership. There are plenty of beginner routines online they can follow. They should talk to others in the gym. They should find people with similar goals and team up with them. Also, “meatheads” are some of the nicest guys on earth, and most of them will be willing to answer any questions they have about form and the most effective lifts.

Often sleep follows naturally after getting healthy eating habits and a good workout habit in place, but if it’s a little resistant, I encourage others to set a bedtime for themselves and to wake up at the same time every morning (even on the weekends). If they’re unable to fall asleep, they should start turning off electronics an hour or two before trying to sleep and start reading books. Remember books?

Once someone is eating well, exercising regularly, and getting good sleep, I recommend meditation. Just like with exercising, they should start simple. A straightforward “close your eyes, sit up straight, and focus on your breath” practice is for new meditators. One can start with two to five-minute practices and work their way up to ten minutes. I also encourage them to use meditation whenever they feel waves of anxiety or depression hitting during the day. Take a break from what they’re doing and start focusing on their breath. This gives them a great tool they can use anytime throughout the day.

As a depressed teenager, if you had told me these habits could change my life, I don’t even think I would have wasted time laughing. I most likely would have ignored you. It took a lifetime of anxiety and depression, a suicide attempt, and realizing I hated the medical solution for my unhealthy mind to realize I needed to implement healthier choices to attempt changing my life.

Today, my identity is not defined by my depression. It’s defined by what I do. I am a healthy eater. I am a weightlifter. I am a good sleeper. I am a writer. I am healthy. There are days where I am gluttonous or lazy or sleep poorly, and I can feel depression returning, trying to settle itself deep into my bones – but I have my habits to fall back on. And one step at a time, I leave depression behind and continue living as this new, healthy version of me.

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Jacob Moore runs the blog Better Than Depression where he shares with his readers simple steps to reach a happier and healthier lifestyle. He is not a mental health professional. Instead, he’s someone who has lived life as an anxious, depressed, and suicidal human. But, by taking one step at a time, he’s been able to alter his mind for the better, and now lives life happily and healthily – and he’s excited about sharing with others ways they can do it, too. Jacob is married to his wife, Kimberly, and they have one daughter, Addison. Jacob would love to hear about your mental health success or talk to you about any questions you may have.

Reach out to him on Twitter: @jacobscottmoore