I’m Not Strong Enough: Thoughts From An Overwhelmed Mother
Sleep is a challenge lately. Life is…hard lately. Not bad, quite good in some ways, but hard and exhausting.
A long while back you said something that’s stuck with me…how the word “enough” can be so damaging. “Not good enough, not cool enough, not pretty enough, not strong enough…” ways of telling ourselves we should be more than we are and that leave us unable to take joy in ourselves as we are.
It’s that last one that gets to me..”not strong enough.” Sometimes it’s an endless chant in my head. I’m not strong enough to do this. I’m not strong enough to get out of bed, to get the kids ready for school, to deal with my mother’s oddities or my ex’s lack of planning. I’m not strong enough to manage all that with a full day of work in between. Constantly those words in some variation and I’m so tired that it seems believable.
And the thing is…I obviously am strong enough because most of those things get done every single day. Week after week, no matter what new stress or pressure comes along, I make everything work. So I am strong enough…. But I think sometimes I wish I wasn’t.
Every now and then I’ll hear a story where someone has a breakdown, gets locked down for a while. The hospitals sound miserable, but even though I understand that it would be a terrible experience, I find myself just a little bit envious.
Sometimes I wish I could just lay in bed and ignore everything. I never do. I’m not even sure I could. Not for long at least, but it’s become a sort of daydream. Of somehow reaching a point where I just don’t care enough to make the effort. But I do.