The Pit of Despair: A guest blog by L Jean Schwartz
There’s a place I call the Pit of Despair, and sometimes I end up at the bottom of it. It’s not a geographic place of course, though that might make it easier to avoid. I could tell my GPS to avoid routes that lead to the Pit of Despair, but I’m working on training my Emotional GPS to avoid those routes, and how to recognize when I’m starting to slip to the bottom of the Pit. Only recently have I named the Pit, been able to talk to other people about it, and learned what I need to do when I’m at the bottom of the Pit: reach out for help.
But that’s easier said than done. I’ve dealt with depression and disordered eating for about half my life (and the anxiety those bring), I cut as a teenager and I still battle self-destructive impulses. I’m lucky to have many loving, supportive friends and family members, I see a therapist, and I still struggle with reaching out for help. I worry about whether I’m inconveniencing someone by asking for support, if it will send me further down if they aren’t available to help, if they’ll get mad at me for what I’m feeling, if they’ll just dismiss it or tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way. I think that’s one of the hardest things about depression/anxiety, etc. is that I often know I “shouldn’t” feel that way or wish I didn’t feel that way, but that doesn’t change the fact that I do.
It’d be like there’s a beautiful sunset but there’s a snarling lion right in front of you. Yes the sunset is beautiful, but you probably can’t enjoy it because you’re afraid for your life! If someone says, “Look at the beautiful sunset! Why can’t you enjoy how beautiful it is?” that doesn’t make the lion go away. Being mad at someone for being afraid of the snarling lion or dismissing their fear doesn’t make it go away. Unlike real lions, one of the most helpful things someone can do when there’s a lion in our minds is to be supportive and listen. Empathy can actually be very easy, and I hope it’s something more people can practice and value. It’s healing to let go of trying to seem perfect to each other and talk honestly about the challenges we all face.
I’m a writer/director/comedian and I make comedies about things you’re not supposed to laugh about to help open up these discussions. A friend said recently that he makes films that are like spilling your guts, and I realized I make films that are like spilling your guts and then laughing about how weird guts look. My protagonists are usually oddballs in some way, and I tell stories of them finding other people who are weird like they’re weird and finding a place they belong. That’s catharsis to me, not faking it to fit into other people’s idea of “normal” but finding other people who love you for the oddball that you are. People who will stand by your side whether there are snarling lions, beautiful sunsets, or both at the same time.
L Jean Schwartz is a writer/director/comedian, you can follow her on Twitter @ljeanerator and her film The Average Girl’s Guide to Suicide @taggts_ – more information at www.taggts.com
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