Freedom From Childhood Trauma Part 2: A guest blog by DP

In part one I recounted my most serious suicide attempt, spoke about a series of violent events that happened to me as a child and began opening up about my direct experiences recovering from trauma. And I sought the answer to this question, “Do you know anyone was worked through trauma and is now a happy functional adult?”

My abuse was worse than most, less than some and some died. I lived a very atypical life first as an adult child of an alcoholic, as an Army brat and then torture survivor. Having moved many places around the world, I grew up in the distorted world of an emotionally disengaged sex-negative family.

I lived most of my life as a “hungry ghost” trapped inside of myself and constantly under threat of re-experiencing unresolved trauma anytime my emotions were triggered.

Ok, so to the answer I found… the answer trauma survivors seek to replace the dread and horror we live with inside every minute of every day.

Instead of committing suicide I decided to sell the gun and use the money to help pay for my next therapy session.

In therapy and 12 step programs I did the journey of 1,000 miles one step at a time and it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t free of trauma. So I did it again. And it still wasn’t enough. So I did it again. And I still wasn’t free… I experienced relief but I never experienced freedom. And I wanted nothing less than freedom.

Looking back I realize I was somehow blessed with energy that allowed me to sell that gun and begin the process of recovery. This was grace even though I didn’t know it at the time.

The short answer to recovering from trauma is that it is the journey of 10,000 miles, one step at a time, or two lifetimes (!) to resolve trauma at the level I experienced it.

At the suggestion of my therapist I also began work in a 12-step program. With my history of drug and alcohol abuse I certainly qualified as an alcoholic and with my inability to psychologically separate from my family I qualified as a codependent.

Addicts and co-addicts stay current by doing the 12 steps over and over as things come up in our lives. I did the 12 steps like my life depended on it. I went to five meetings a week for five years and had 25 commitments (as a greeter, literature,

secretary, cleanup, etc.) in my first journey of 1000 miles. I experienced relief and I experienced joy. But it was temporary.

So I worked the 12 steps again. I continued to go to meetings and continued to hold commitments. I also went to therapy a minimum of once a week, tape-recorded all my therapy sessions and listened back to every session at least once. I experienced relief and I experienced joy. Once again it was temporary.

One time, my first therapist became very excited during our session and told me that I had gone farther than most people go in therapy. Here I’d spent all this time yet I knew wasn’t free. Inside myself I knew I’d found some relief, but not freedom.

I took time off from therapy but after two or three years I decided to try again. It’s possible my first therapist lacked experience or training with trauma. It’s also very likely that my communication skills, the pain I felt inside, prevented me from talking about my reality so I could get more help from my first therapist.

At one point my second therapist told me that she had never met anyone who had done so much work on themselves. And yet I still wasn’t done because I still wasn’t free.

So here it is no matter how you do it, freedom from trauma is the journey of 10,000 miles. It’s 1000 miles one step at a time, and then 1000 miles one step at a time, and then 1000 miles one step at a time, and 1000 miles one step at a time… It’s pure determination. Or is it? What is it inside, what is it inside us that drives us to first seek relief and then freedom? What is it inside that drives us to want the answer? What is it inside that creates energy to seek truth from our troubled reality?

Where did the energy come from that inspired me to sell the gun?

Well for me it’s the Universe, you could also say: God, Buddha, Allah, or whatever. One thing I learned in life is that I am not breathing myself – the universe is breathing me.

During my second pass through the 12 steps I began a meditation practice as part of my work on step 11 (Google AA step 11 for more info). Fortunately I discovered an aptitude for meditation. It was quite a challenge to bear discomfort in my body and take on an even greater challenge in quieting the thoughts that were running rampant in my head.

So there I was, without knowing at the time, I had developed a set of tools that would see me through the final exam of my recovery. My tool set included communications skills developed through 12 years of therapy, thoroughly working the 12 steps twice, and learning to quiet my body and mind through meditation.

The final exam for my recovery began when the Universe removed almost every physical asset I had. I lost everything. I could not find work for several years. I almost became homeless. I equate this time in my life with that section of the Bible that says, “Yea, though I walk through the valley of death…” I lost my sobriety and became suicidal again.

Interestingly my life began to turn around almost immediately once I restarted my sobriety and started working with a new sponsor.

My exam became more serious as I discovered an opportunity for a financial windfall. This is where my recovery tools really kicked in and I worked the 12 steps a third time in order to restore my faith.

I had a real opportunity to go left or go right. In one direction, I could take the financial windfall and go on a fabulous sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll tour of Western Europe, and parts unknown. I would have a great story, one I could share with my friends that would increase my standing in the community as a great speaker who had done it all! But I knew deep inside of me that no matter what I did, no matter what I had, I would still feel the same lifelong despair. I would not be free.

Or I could have a Plan B and go into one of the best treatment programs in the world and dedicate myself to recovery by seeking freedom once again. I will touch on that in Part 3.

To read Part 1 click here.