Unwanted Arousal & Sexual Shame: A Guest Blog by J.G.

Unwanted Arousal & Sexual Shame: A Guest Blog by J.G.

Unwanted Arousal and Sexual Shame: Embracing The Shadow Side of Your Sexuality

 

Western society is gradually coming to think more progressively and inclusively. That said, in spite of recent evolutionary leaps, many Westerners still have a fairly static, black-and-white image of what constitutes morally acceptable sexual appetites and behaviors.

In “Sexuality and Shame,” Carolyn Shadbolt writes, “…moral edicts about what is sinful, the chastity of women, the sanctity of marriage, the moral degeneracy of homosexuality, the superiority of male heterosexuality, the deleterious effects of masturbation, gender roles, sexist imagery, biological determinism, and so forth are part of adult consciousness and life experiences that directly impact adult sexuality.” Western culture is highly opinionated. We’re constantly bombarded with propaganda of right vs. wrong. Over time, we internalize these messages – integrate them into our personal belief systems. Shabolt goes on to write, “…when the uniqueness of our sexual identity collides with the views and expectations of what is ‘normal’ and of how we should be in both our private and public selves, shame will not be far behind. In the area of sexuality, all too often shame is the result when the inner meets the outer.” This discrepancy between inner and outer creates the kind of internal schism that tears people apart – that wreaks havoc on people’s relationships, marriages, families, health, and sense of self worth.

Remember: matter can be neither created nor destroyed, only converted into other matter. If one represses his/her sexual energy, it will not conveniently evaporate — it will bubble up elsewhere. It will switch form – manifest as a whole different animal. It very well might mutate into something ugly, toxic, and truly hazardous.

Genuine sexuality, which is, by nature, fluid, complicated, and sometimes confusing in its expression, does not always align with what society labels ‘healthy’ or ‘decent.’ [Sorry, but not everyone wants to f*ck in the missionary position with one select member of the opposite sex twice a week, every week for the rest of his/her natural-born life. That works for some, and that’s absolutely, positively fine. If this is how you derive authentic sexual fulfillment, more power to you. Sincerely. But please recognize that for others, getting off is a bit more complex.]

Western culture lays the foundation for ‘the perfect storm,’ so to speak – an all-you-can-eat buffet of guilt, shame, and self-loathing. And Heaven knows, around these parts, everyone loves a buffet. In the face of socially unacceptable sexuality, shame is twofold – ignited from the outside, as well as within. Many people silently pathologize themselves and waste a lifetime toiling away under layer upon layer of anguish and self-reproach.

I can’t believe that I’m about to admit this on the internet, but here goes: since the dawn of my sexual maturity, images/descriptions of erotic humiliation have been known to get my blood pumping like none other. I’m talking the likes of public exposure, forced orgasm, people – women in particular — getting stripped, bound, and otherwise sexually debased, all for the viewing pleasure of hungry voyeurs. (Bear in mind that I identify as a Feminist – talk about cognitive dissonance!) For years, I was certain that this made me a morally bankrupt human being: the opposite of what I wanted to be. I wanted to be a good daughter, a straight-A student. I wanted to be admitted to a Tier 1 college or university. I wanted other people to see me as sweet, smart, pretty, wholesome. Sweet, smart, pretty, wholesome girls, I thought, definitely don’t get off on these kinds of twisted fantasies…

I remember confiding in one psychotherapist who confirmed my biggest fear. She implied – more like stated outright — that my sexual proclivities served as evidence of a troubled childhood and subsequent, deep-seated moral disfigurement. When I opened up to her about my darker desires, her knee-jerk response read as shock/mild horror, accompanied by [what I now recognize as] some ignorant platitude along the lines of, “You can get over this… slowly, over time.” She saw my desires as warped, distorted, defective, a reflection of emotional/psychological disturbance, a problem in need of correction. This was traumatic to say the least.

I hated myself for wanting what I wanted. In high school, I kept myself good and occupied with academics. In college, I ultimately developed what amounted to a serious eating disorder. I guess I hoped that if I were skinny and ‘beautiful’ enough (yes, at the time, I equated beauty with emaciation), no one would notice that I was a ‘demented pervert.’ I guess I also hoped to alternately binge and starve away my ‘sinister’ cravings — to distract my fettered mind with something not only tangible and manageable, but also ordinary (worrying about food/weight seemed a hell of a lot more normal than dealing with my sexuality-guilt complex). But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to realize — through a combination of quality psychotherapy, a steady yoga practice, and long, candid conversations with solid, trustworthy, open-minded friends – that people can’t control how their bodies respond to certain stimuli. I’ve also come to realize that it’s possible to crave whatever it is you crave and still be a good person.

If you feel compelled to investigate the origin of your shadow desires, you’re entitled. But in some cases, I’m not sure that it’s entirely necessary or fruitful. Regardless of your arousal’s source, which you may or may not be able to pinpoint, it’s never wrong — it just is. You have green eyes. Period. You’re 5’9″. Period. Images of 300-lb. grandmothers in dalmation-print moo-moos sitting on balloons make you come. Period. Who cares? Furthermore, who are you to judge that as ‘wrong’ or ‘disgusting’? As a friend of mine from eating disorder treatment once said: “Your body is none of your business.”

Have you ever gotten off on something in spite of yourself? Has the source of your sexual excitement ever contradicted who you wish or strive to be? I assure you: so long as you take responsibility for your behavior — as in: so long as you don’t harm anyone who hasn’t given you his/her express, adult consent — your closet affinities, no matter how bizarre, downbeat, or taboo by mainstream society’s standards, do not make you a degenerate. Don’t try to shut off your primal impulses; they’re stronger and more potent than your mind. Whatever you try to push away will eventually push back with equal force.

No matter what salacious hungers you harbor, there are so many ways to sublimate your shadow yearnings, making for a rich, creative, deeply satisfying sex life! Worry not — you’re not vile. You’re not hopelessly depraved. You’re not a menace. You don’t need to ‘fix yourself.’ And perhaps most importantly — you’re far from alone.