Author:Paul Gilmartin

Adoption w/listener Julie J

Born to a drug-addict teenage mom, Julie was given up for adoption and raised by a stoic military dad and Fundamentalist mom whose obsession with demons comes close to resembling the mother from “Carrie”.   There is much more to her story including her humor and resilience.

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Binge Dating – A Guest Blog by Jess Levith M.A.

5 Signs You’re A Binge-Dater?

By Jessica Levith, M.A.

To binge is to indulge excessively in an activity. This could be any activity like eating until you’re sick, drinking until you pass out, or gambling away your home. In many cases, binging is an unhealthy, potentially dangerous behavior used to mask underlying anxious or depressive feelings. It can also be the hallmark of an addiction. So what is binge-dating? Binge-dating is pressing the fast forward button on a relationship, speeding up the process of

getting to know someone in an intimate way. Often, this

Binge-dating is surprisingly common and without proper intervention, it can lead to repeatedly setting partnerships up for failure. A desire for a partner or wanting to avoid uncomfortable feelings isn’t in and of itself pathological. These are often normal human impulses. Binge-daters, however, have gone most of their lives being partnered. They dread the notion of being alone, and go to great lengths to keep that from

Below I’ve complied a list of common binge-dating signs. This list is by no means exhaustive or intended to diagnose. Each person’s pattern for dating is based on one’s own unique life history. This is simply a guide meant to help you explore your dating experience. If this article resonates with, you are not alone. Binge-dating has exploded in recent decades becoming a normalized way to partner up. It can be quite painful and incredibly hard to stop. If you identify with these signs, and desire further information or help, I recommend that you seek out a qualified Sex and Love Addiction therapist or look into the resources I’ve provided below.

5 Signs of Binge-Dating
1. Love At First Sight. Over and Over and Over…

I don’t refute the possibility of love at first sight. Anything is possible. However, binge-daters repeatedly find themselves in love at first sight, and I’d recommend for them to take a closer look at how they define love. Yes, there are many attractive people out there, but is a constant, instant attraction to others really about the other? For binge- daters, falling in love masks an overwhelming anxiety based in a need to be partnered. This anxiety may be further rooted in a fear of being forever single or lonely.

Try reality-testing your love. Make a list of qualities that you truly desire in a long- term relationship. Then have that list handy for the next time you find that next prospective partner. Does he or she match up to your wants?

2. Too Much Too Soon.

After a first date, binge-daters attempt immediate fusion with their new interest. There’s no steadfast rule on how much is too much communication in the beginning, but generally speaking, more than 2 texts or phone calls that next week may be pushing to enmesh. Enmeshing is emotionally entangling with a partner, losing sight of healthy emotional and physical boundaries. Constant communication may certainly lead to quick physical intimacy, but one can’t rush the time it takes to authentically get to know someone. Skipping over getting to know someone creates a false sense of intimacy, and binge- daters often find themselves in full-fledged relationships before they realize they have no idea who they’re partnered with.

A simple yet effective tool here is to go with one’s gut. If a binge-dater has a history of over-communicating and their gut is telling them to slow down, the gut is probably right on. They may want to check in with a close friend to make sure they’re not repeating old behaviors.

3. Friends Evaporate

Within a couple of weeks of meeting a new interest, binge-daters stop checking in with close friends and have little time for anyone or anything but that interest. Letting friends fall away is letting go of an important support network. Friends help us to see new love interests from an objective perspective, and
have our well-being in mind. Dropping away from them shrinks one’s life, identity, and autonomy. Decreasing this identity and autonomy increases the chance of dependence on a new partner for both that sense of self, and the emotional support those friends provided. This is when binge-daters may begin feeling needy.

Spending time with a new partner can feel really nice. But if you find that you’re slipping away from friends because of this relationship you might want to commit to calling an old friend once a day. It will help keep you grounded in your identity.

4. Separation Anxiety and Reconnection Relief

For binge-daters, separating from a new partner may bring up intense anxiety. Even from date number one the desire to extend time with a partner, not wanting to end the emotional high, may create panic. They may feel afraid that they’ve not locked in their partner’s interest. The longer they’re separated from the partner, the more heightened the anxiety.

On the flipside of this, reuniting with the new partner, whether one day or one week later, brings with it a huge sigh of relief. Now reunited, they once again have their partner’s full attention and can finish closing the deal on securing affection.

This intense anxiety and subsequent relief is one of the strongest indicators of binge-dating and can be extremely distressful. For this I would suggest implementing breathing exercises to regain physiological control, and then calling someone you trust to talk it through.

5. Short-Term Love or Cooking On All Burners

Short-lived but high intensity relationships are common with binge-daters. However, that level of infatuation can only sustain itself for so long. At some point, sooner more often than later, they or their partner (or both) begin to feel crowded by the dwindling of physical and emotional space. After this, one of them begins to pull away from the relationship while the other begins pushing to make the relationship work. This push-pull dynamic continues until someone eventually ends it.

With frequent short-term relationships comes the need to have “potentials” waiting in the wings. Cooking on all burners is how I like to describe it. Consciously or unconsciously, binge-daters are setting up other options, even while still in a relationship, to be called up for duty after a breakup. Potentials may be good friends suddenly found attractive, or someone that they’ve had feelings for in the past. These “unexpected” relational developments are common distractions used to avoid the sting of a recent breakup. Soon however, these potentials begin to feel as futile as the relationship that was just buried.

Sometimes relationships provide you with valuable lessons. Allow a chunk of time in between relationships, feeling the burn of the lesson, so as not to repeat it.

Is There Help For Binge-Dating?

Yes. As previously stated, these are only five signs of binge-dating. There are many others. If you feel that you’re relating to them, you are not alone. For some binge-dating feels comfortable, having no negative effects on any aspect of life. For others, binge-dating feels like a coin dropped into a funnel, circling round and down as the pattern repeats.

For those who struggle with this issue, the following are resources are a great place to start:

Online
Jessica Levith’s Sex and Love Addiction Blog east-baytherapy.com
A Tumbler Page for Sex and Love Addiction http://sexandloveaddiction.tumblr.com The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health http://www.sash.net
Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous http://www.slaafws.org/

Books
“Out of the Shadows” by Patrick Carnes
“Love Addict: Sex, Romance, and Other Dangerous Drugs” by Ethlie Vare “Facing Love Addiction” by Pia Melody

Jessica Levith currently sees adults and young adults struggling with Sex and Love Addiction in her private practice in Oakland, CA. For more information or to set up an appointment, you can contact her at: 510.883.3074 or east-baytherapy.com.

Registered IMFT# 70860
Supervised by Karen Pernet LCSW# 23635

© 2013 by Jessica Levith, MA. All rights reserved.

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Johnny O

Paul’s friend shares about being committed to a psych hospital at 17 over a breakup, discovering drugs (crack) and how to hustle money to feed his habit.  Hitting bottom in the desert and the dog that might have saved his life.

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Live Show in Toronto Nov 16th with Scott Thompson

Click here for details and tickets.   The show is at 4pm, tickets are $12.

There will also be a group recording of listeners Friday Nov 15th at 7pm.  It will also take place in the Workman Arts building at 651 Dufferin St in Toronto.  Signs will be posted and it will be in the basement.   Stragglers are welcome and we’ll probably go until about 8:30 or 9:00pm.  No tickets are necessary, it’s free.

I will have a bunch of surveys printed out that people can sift through and comment on during the recording.  Former guest and therapist Susan Hagen will be sitting in.   Show up early (6:30 or 6:45) if you want to look through some surveys before we start recording.   People will basically take turns at the mic talking to Susan and me and responding to the printed surveys and time permitting sharing some of their story with us as well.

If you’d like to participate in the group recording email me at mentalpod@gmail.com so I can get an idea of how many are going to show up.

Paul

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Aisha Tyler Live at LAPodfest (Voted #5 ep of 2013)

The actress/ writer/ standup/ podcaster (Girl on Guy)/t.v. host (The Talk, Talk Soup) joins Paul at LAPodfest in front of a live audience and discusses her workaholism and anxiety, her outcast status as a child, where her drive comes from, growing to understand her intimidating, blunt father and appreciate the challenges of her long marriage.

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I Am a Pedophile: A Guest Blog by “Chair” – a 28 year-old male

I am a pedophile.

 

I have written that sentence a scant few times, spoken it aloud only once.  And yet here I am, exposing it to a limitless audience, baring my deepest, most horrible secret to anyone who comes across it.  I do not know what drove me to this point after years of hiding, though pseudonymously publishing this on a site run by someone else isn’t exactly ‘coming clean’.  Regardless, after I decided to take the opportunity to put my true self, and my existence, down into writing.

 

There are people like me everywhere.  All around you, perhaps among your closest friends or family.  But before a panic rises, before I am flooded with requests to help identify these ‘monsters’, let’s return to a basic definition that no one remembers any more.

 

Not all pedophiles are child molesters.  Not all child molesters are pedophiles.  A pedophile, or one who suffers from pedophilic disorder, is defined in the DSM-5 as “a psychiatric disorder in persons 16 years of age or older typically characterized by a primary or exclusive sexual interested towards prepubescent children”.  A child molester is, obviously, someone who acts out sexually in some way with a child, whether that be overtly through molestation or covertly through exploitation.  One cannot legally be accused or convicted of “pedophilia” in any country, regardless of what you read in news articles.  While men make up the majority of convicted child molesters, there are also many women who struggle with pedophilic thoughts, though they seem to less often ‘cross the line’.  Those are the facts we are working from, facts that are not argued in psychiatric circles despite mass distortion among the general public.

 

This is not about definitions or semantics.  This is about me, one man trying to work through a curse that has threatened to end his life more than once.

 

The first inklings of my sexuality came during puberty, as it does for most.  I found myself attracted to the friends of my younger sister, nine when I was thirteen.  It was not concerning initially, after all they really were not all that far separated from me.  These girls were pretty, with their lithe bodies, sparkling personalities, and emotional openness.  They were everything I really felt I needed.  I pursued a few of them as far as was appropriate, with most parents accepting of the silly ‘crushes’ while I remained young and nearly prepubescent myself.  This changed swiftly, and I learned to not be so overt about my attraction, as it became creepy the moment I started to sprout facial hair.

 

When I hit high school and my sexual fantasies continued to revolve around ten-year-olds, that was when I began to get worried.  It was not normal, I found myself unable to masturbate to thoughts of the girls that had turned me on just a few short years before, now having to turn to their younger sisters in turn.  As the girls I loved grew up, my attraction to them waned and disappeared, as they entered junior high school and I realized they just were not sexually alluring to me.  But those who had younger sisters, entering into the middle to upper grades of elementary school, those girls reminded me what I liked.  Masturbation turned to writing out my fantasies, page after page of sexual material, thousands of words and hours of editing poured into stories that no one would ever see.  After orgasm, after finishing a story, I would be filled with dread.  Who was I?  What had I done?

 

When I read the definition of pedophilia, at age sixteen, I knew I had one final chance to turn things around.  But soon I was seventeen, eighteen, nineteen — continuing with a sick attraction that became less and less justifiable, if ever justifiable in the first place.  People around me dated, talked about girls, and I participated as best I could.  I wondered, hoped even, that deep down everyone was like me and just much better at hiding it.  The idea of being alone in this attraction was too much to consider, but over time I realized that I was alone.  Other people saw little girls as children.  Why did I see them the way I did?

 

When I was in college, I knew I had to break it.  I was filled with obscene fantasies revolving around children — children — and I knew how wrong it was.  My family was excellent, my upbringing perfectly normal.  No incidents in my past warranted this.  I could not be a pedophile.  While I had had a few non-serious girlfriends during high school, never going past attending dances, I now decided to pursue a serious sexual partner.  If I could not will this sickness out of myself I could, if you will excuse the obscenity, fuck it out.

 

You could say I loved the girl, in a way.  I do not know, though she filled a gap I needed at the time.  She was the same age as me, a classmate, and I made it fairly clear from the beginning that I was serious about our relationship.  It escalated quickly, my first time kissing in years, first time ‘slow-dancing’ since I was an acne-ridden teen.  But there was no sexual spark.  No attraction.  It sounds bizarre, but I often prayed for some sort of arousal to occur when we were together, when her lips were against mine.  But it was like she was a statue, just an object that happened to be there with me.  This did not stop me, though it should have, and our first night together was one of the most humiliating of my life.  Someone in the prime of their youth should not have to deal with erectile dysfunction, failure to perform, all the other things I experienced.  But when she was there before me, undressed, ready, willing — I was, if anything, disgusted by her.  Her body was not attractive, sex with her was not something that caused me excitement.  I closed my eyes – I fantasized about the bright-eyed girls that filled the dark parts of my brain and yet there was nothing for her, the woman with me.

 

Things ended between us shortly thereafter.  It is difficult to stay with a guy who fails to bring to the table one of the more important items in a sexual relationship, so I do not hold it against her.  Then it was time for cure number two, and that was therapy.  I researched therapists, though in my particularly rural part of North America pickings were slim.  Choosing a fellow who seemed kind enough, I attended therapy with him for about six months before I decided to broach the subject of my sexuality.  While my decision was made, it ended up meaning nothing.  During a session, one of the few following my choice to try and tell him, my therapist mentioned something about a child molester in the news, and how disgusting he found that man.  That was all it took.  I shut my mouth, quit therapy a few weeks later, and decided that I was going to give up.

 

Trying to find a community to join was not a conscious choice, not really.  But eventually I ended up in an online group of pedophiles, talking about the struggle I was facing, contending with both those who saw a bright future for us and those who were on the cusp of killing themselves.  These people made me feel less alone for a time, like there were others out there.  Of course nothing is as it seems, and as one disappeared for child pornography, another for molestation, another after, yes, killing himself – I realized that the community was not going to do anything for me.  Then I moved on to another venue, this one not revolving around pedophiles, rather for young people with different life struggles.  After several months in that group, talking through the depression and anxiety that spring from my pedophilia, I revealed to a couple people that I did in fact struggle with being sexually attracted to children.  These people, then my closest friends and confidantes, told me the world would be better without me, that I should kill myself rather than continue to exist just to hurt children.  The devastation of that rejection stays with me to this day, and just writing about it makes me question ever allowing this to be uploaded into any public sphere.

 

Despite all this turmoil, the self-hatred and hatred from others, the fantasies continued.  I allowed myself to fall into them late at night, otherwise presenting myself as the world-wise confident single man.  During my time struggling with my sexuality, my disease, my disorder, my monster (you can pick which you prefer to call it) there has been more than one girl I have found myself obsessed with.  Trying to be near her, spend time with her, on occasion even attempting to ingratiate myself with her parents.  None of these went very far, nothing that could be thought of as specifically untoward.  I will pick one specific example to see how my mind works, this particular story involves the closest I have ever come to crossing the line, a position I never want to return to.

 

Many years ago, one of the biggest temptations of my life presented itself.  My niece was born.  This hurts to write.  It hurts to admit.  She was a baby, then a toddler, and I felt nothing.  Much like I had felt when I clambered atop my girlfriend years previous, this was just a body that held no interest for me.  But I knew it was coming.

 

Some may wonder what, exactly, it is that turns me on about a subset of person that most cannot comprehend as sexual beings.  I do not fantasize about raping children, nothing forced or painful.  My fantasy would be to find myself in a loving relationship with a prepubescent girl.  My ideal girl is between eight and twelve, depending on when puberty finds her, and is an intelligent, sweet, cute child.  Her sexual characteristics do not matter much, or matter in lack thereof – that she have no breasts, no pubic hair, no signs of maturity.  I would love to find myself with a girl like that, doing things people who love each other do together, from going to the movies to walking in a park to sitting and talking about one another’s lives.  And yes, like everyone’s fantasies, mine extends to sex.  While I could titillate both myself and those with my monster who are reading, I will settle for saying that my fantasies are for gentle, slow sexual experiences in which we both experience pleasure and neither of us experience anything remotely unpleasant.  I know how disgusting that sounds to those who have made it this far.  All I can say is I am sorry.

 

I am not a rapist or a sadist, I am just a pedophile.  I want nothing more than to love a girl in every way, but I am not deluded into thinking it will ever come about.

 

My niece continued to grow, all-too-quickly reaching an age where I felt attraction stirring.  When I visited her home, my heart leapt upon seeing her, and not just in a familial way.  When she sat on my lap I started to notice her physical presence, the proximity of her body to mine, the thin layers of fabric separating us, my hands floating dangerously close to where they should not go.  I would shake my head, push her off my lap, try and calm the hormones.  It became a war of attrition, with me deciding that holding hands in public was alright.  Then hugs became okay again, often accompanied with her gleeful childlike leap into my arms.  Then sitting on my lap was allowed as long as I controlled myself.  Walls I had spent a long time building came crumbling down.  I was losing myself to the monster and I was starting to accept it.

 

Soon my fantasies were all about her.  Those little things that should mean nothing; days she wore a skirt, days we got to go swimming, began to mean far more than they should have.  I know I did cross the line as I got her more used to my affection.  Then the last straw fell, on a day like any other, the two of us alone together, first cuddled up and watching TV, me basking in her presence, feeling the tumbling rush of emotional and sexual attraction.  Then we were wrestling, my hands on her narrow torso.  In the fray, she touched me there, accidentally, asking what had happened, not understanding it was my erection.

 

It was another line.  The final line and I was standing upon it, about to take a plunge I knew would end only in pain for everyone in my life.  I backed away from her.  I apologized and made an excuse.  I fled.

 

My visits to her home ceased.  Within weeks I requested and received a job transfer to a distant major city, and I was gone.  In the past several years I have seen my sister and niece only a few times, during holidays, and never allowed myself to be alone with my niece.  Not ever again.  I cannot trust myself and I would do anything to not hurt her.

 

The initial weeks in my new home were the hardest, accompanied with severe depression, an inability to leave the house, a drinking problem that spiraled out of control as I sought any outlet I could to prevent myself from dealing with what I had nearly done, with what some reading will say I did do.

 

I now try to never allow myself near children.  I am dangerous to them and they to me, though the danger I pose comes from a place of purpose, while theirs is innocent and unintended.  At times I cannot avoid interaction with a child, and the accompanying arousal from a life spent monastically far from my attraction is not something I can deny.

 

Slipping back into alcohol and recently to self-injury when I err in a major way is my automatic reflex.  These mistakes are few, but sometimes when I hug a child, or find myself walking in the park just to be near them, I know I am not doing what I should.  Following orgasm, when the arousal subsides, I am filled with shame for whatever brought me to that point.  While I have taken an anti-depressant for some time, one which dulls my sex drive, it is not nearly enough to tamp down the rush of lust when I see a child I find attractive.  Every day is a struggle, at least every day in which I find myself with unfettered computer access, free time to go outside, or on social visits to people with children.  These days, of course, far outnumber days without.  It is a fight I face day-by-day.

 

That is who I am today.  I am a single man, working in an office, marching beside you to the train with my tie on.  I still have my fantasies.  My attraction remains inside me, like a drop of poison bubbling below the surface of my every action.  I can go a day or so without thinking about girls, as my age increases and my testosterone decreases.  With effort I can avoid fantasies for weeks at a time.

 

Keeping my mouth shut when pedophiles come up is easier than you might think.  I have never spoken up in either direction, except the socially appropriate agreements as necessary, and I do not plan on becoming a crusader.  Hearing people talk about how revolted they are by pedophiles or how all pedophiles should be murdered does hurt me, but at this point in my life I have heard it from nearly every person I have ever cared about.

 

If I had the option to take a pill that would remove all sexual desire, I would take it.  Not even to just remove my attraction to children, just remove it all.  I would love to.

 

I will never have a fulfilling sexual relationship.  I know I will never fulfill my fantasies.  I know I will die alone.  I know if anyone ever knew that would be the end of my life as I know it, and not just my life but the life of so many around me, starting with my family and spiraling outwards.  I know that despite my efforts no one will ever thank or congratulate me.

 

And I know I am not the only person facing this.  Some may make mistakes, may act out in ways they will regret.  Still others may find a way around their pedophilia, find the edges of their sexuality and break free.  Others will end their lives rather than face their bleak future.  We are all alone, all islands.  For us it does not get better and never will.

 

To those of you reading this that are the same as me – I recognize you and your effort.  I am sorry you have to bear this.  Be strong.  I wish there was more I could do for you.

 

To the vast majority of you reading in horror and revulsion, I am not asking for pity.  I am merely trying to show you a group of people you may have never considered before, outside the automatic reflex of disgust.

 

And to Paul, for giving me the space to write this, thank you.  The first time in my life I have ever even considered that just maybe I am ‘okay’ was in a Mental Illness Happy Hour episode months ago, where at the end you talked about how we should not beat ourselves up over our sexual attraction, that we neither choose nor control it, and as long as we do not hurt others we should cut ourselves some slack.  Thank you.  To you it was likely a throwaway bit at the end of a long episode, but for me it really meant something, and I listened to it over and over, heart feeling partway healed knowing there was at least one person out there who maybe, just maybe, did not hate me.

Chair

Paul’s note:  I waited a month or so after he sent me this, weighing the benefits of people understanding him and people who suffer similar afflictions and the possible negative reactions especially from survivors, but ultimately I decided it would be worth it.

All of his emails were sent from an account that is untraceable, but I have to say, I don’t think that was necessary because with the exception of the wrestling incident which he seems to have learned from and made life changes to prevent from happening again, he is a hero on a certain level.   Someone fighting a terrible inner war, taking responsibility for that part of himself, and sacrificing a larger life with adult connections to protect the innocent.    As an alcoholic/drug addict I know the power of compulsion and it is no small feat to stifle sickness when it radiates through your every cell.

I think the world would be a better place if instead of writing off people, saying “they don’t deserve to live” we try to understand the person behind the sickness and show that part of them love and compassion.  I think the highest form of love is when it doesn’t come easily, when something in us questions whether others will approve of our extending it.  Love and compassion can co-exist with consequences, boundaries and legal justice.

He recently sent me this email about the piece he wrote.

“I would be equally happy for it to just disappear…it was cathartic to write and I am worried about it hurting other people.  It is your choice though.  Maybe the podcast would be an easier way to warn people away…  Not everyone can understand that I am human and that is fine.  I just don’t want to force my existence on them and demand their attention and/or pity.  If that makes sense.  I don’t know.  You do this far better than I.  🙂

I will probably check in again in a few months or something.  It is strange to feel like you are my friend, but baring one’s soul tends to have that effect.”

 

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Raising a Special Needs Child: A Guest Blog by “Exhausted Mom”

I am a 38 year-old wife and mother of two.

 

My seven year-old son was diagnosed with Asperger’s at the age of 4. He exhibits traits of ADHD and possible ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) and struggles with negative thinking. He’s an amazing young man with a passion for entertainment.

 

We also have a sweet daughter, who will be six in January. She loves animals, but more specific cats. She shows some attention difficulties and mimics her big brothers behaviors. Throughout the years we’ve had lots of support, but it just didn’t seem to get to the heart our struggles. These struggles happen daily and affect our whole family, but it impacts our daughter greatly. My daughter sees the way my son behaves and mimics his outbursts. It is difficult for her to cope with all of his outbursts, screams and frustration. There are many laughs in our house, however when there is a blow up, it is extreme.

 

My story begins when I was sitting in my chair, after the kids were finally asleep. I was reading yet another book on ways to help my son, when it came to me. This was the time of the day for me. I wasn’t really sure of what to do; I was exhausted! I was exhausted trying to hold my family together emotionally and mentally. I was working hard to help my kids, but was not dealing with my own emotions and metal stability. The more I hid my feelings the more I felt alone and eventually my brain shut down and I went into Autopilot.

 

I stayed in autopilot for years when something changed. I was wanting to give up, go hide in a corner and hope that for just 15 min I could find a piece of myself that was not broken. To muster up enough energy to get through another day and find the answers I desperately needed to help my family, to get through the daily outbursts, crying, fighting, and opposition; try to cope with being overwhelmed from the criticism of others, the homeschooling, the stares, extreme separation anxiety, going to countless appointments, implementing yet another strategy, fears that I was doing everything wrong.

 

I needed help and I was terrified to ask for it, but I had no other choice. If I truly wanted to help my family, I needed to heal.

 

I had to dig back into my past and be honest about my mental health. I started going to therapy and with the help of my therapist I started to realize that I was allowed to make mistakes and parents are not perfect.

 

I started dealing with my feelings and self-worth. I looked at my insecurities as a parent and that I can show my vulnerabilities without feeling like a failure. By taking that step towards healing I began painting again and the feelings and thoughts I could not find words for came out in my art.

 

I still have a long way to go and many days I find myself back in that dark place, but I know I have the strength within me not to stay there; like the Buddha said, “Pain in life is inevitable but suffering is not”.

 

I once mentioned to my son, after working on one strategy after another, “honey, I have been giving you a lot to work on and I know there are many things that mommy needs to work on too. What do you think mommy needs to do?” I think at that moment I realized my son needed to know I was not perfect and that he could talk to me about my behaviors too.

 

I also realized this was a journey for our whole family. By helping each other get past our struggles, we could grow as a family. That we all have things to work on and if we look past the imperfections in each other we could find mental healing.

 

We still have our ups and downs and many days I want to scream, “What about me, don’t I matter?” but I remind myself how important these two little people are in my life and I need to take a step back and ask for help; take time to focus on my own healing again.

 

My day to day has changed so much from that night sitting in my chair. I have learned so much and now, every day I make sure my kids and I have quality time together and laugh at least once a day. I spend time with my husband when the kids are asleep, but most of all I make time for myself whether it’s time for healing, time to paint, or just time to breathe.

 

As I look at how I am raising my children I hope they will look back one day and say, “my parents made mistakes and they are not perfect, but I love them anyways. They taught me that it is ok to seek help when I need it and to make sure I have someone in my life I can talk to about anything, but most of all they taught me to feel everything! Feel angry if I have to, feel joy with all my heart and find greatness in myself!”

 

I hope that other parents whether they have children of special needs or not, can stop long enough to realize our mental health is vital to our children’s mental health and if we don’t seek help when we need it or talk about our fears or feel every emotion fully, how will they know it is O.K.!

 

Hugs to all the parents out there!

 

Exhausted Mom

 

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Listener Juan Medina

The 26 year-old shares about emigrating to the U.S. (Las Vegas) from Mexico (Puruandiro in Michoacan) at 8, his fear of his  hard-drinking and volatile migrant-worker father, “passing” for white, his body dysmorphia and the struggle today to feel his feelings rather than shutting down.

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