Which Animal is Eating Me?
Generally, when I’m not doing the things to keep my depression in check (exercise, meditation, meds) I slip into a funk where I lose interest in things that normally bring me pleasure, and I find it really hard to get motivated to do anything. Decisions become really hard to make. I feel like the clock is ticking and there is only one perfect decision and I don’t know what it is. I become worried about the future, and get down on myself for procrastinating, which makes me worry even more about the future. I feel that the world is passing me by, yet I feel like I can’t take any steps to remedy it and before I know it I’ve worked myself up into a nap.
When my depression is being kept in check but my addictive personality isn’t, I find myself enjoying things but obsessing about myself and the need for more (money, things, accolades), and ignoring the needs of others. I become so engrossed in feeling good I lose a sense of balance and moderation in my life.
When both are in check I have a feeling of being in sync with the universe. I feel a sense of purpose that takes away my fear of the future. I feel the presence of something in my life that connects me to everything. I find myself patiently listening to my wife instead of thinking “When is this sentence going to end so I can unpause Tivo and go back to watching the History Channel’s Hitler Marathon?” I love documentaries about Hitler when I’m procrastinating. It’s a cheap, selfish way to feel better about myself. I can say, “See. Look what happens when you’re a go-getter.”
What better way to make my D into an A than by putting worthiness on a curve?
Here’s a scary thought. Hitler is probably not the most evil person to ever exist. I bet there’s even worse people around right now. We’re just lucky they’re not go-getters like Hitler. You could make me as evil as Hitler and the world would be perfectly safe.
Evil Friend: Paul, how’s Mein Kampf coming along?
Evil Paul: (exhausted deep breath) I just. I just have to sit down and WRITE it.
Evil Friend: Paul. It was due three weeks ago.
Evil Paul: I know. And I’m sorry I slept though the rally.
Evil Friend: It was spectacular. We picked on the Asians.
Evil Paul: I heard. I wanted to come. I was up all night with my German Shepherd. He ate my swastika.
Evil Friend: We’re German. We just call it a Shepherd.
Evil Paul: I keep doing that. I don’t deserve to be called Fuhrer.
If that bit offended you. You’re on the right website. You take yourself too seriously.
How does your depression or addiction manifest itself? How do you cope? Post your thoughts on the message board, I’d love to hear how other people deal with these things.