There to Catch You – a guest blog by Ether
Enlightenment seems to be inevitable when you realize that the hole you are falling down is most likely bottomless. Allow gravity to perform it’s natural duty. Yield to the flow of the universe. September was an unusually cold month this year of 2011, even for the weather standards of New England.
Saturday, the day before the 11th, I was on my way to an outdoor cookout when I received a call from one of my half-sisters. Her voice seemed void of expression, the words came out slowly. “I just got a call. Dad’s dead, and the police and coroner say it looks to be definitely self inflicted.” This surprise hit me like a meteor. In my mind I traveled back home where a chocolate bar and pairs of socks lay waiting as gifts for his birthday and Father’s day.
Those moments disappeared and the thoughts of our last phone conversation from the prior month appeared. “Dad, I hope to see you at least before your birthday and give you all these gifts. I miss you. Take care, I love you.” There was a sigh, then my father responded, “Yeah…well…yeah you know. The words. Take care.” Memories surfaced: the moment my half-sister’s mother committed suicide, and just 8 years ago my own mother had entered her own downward spiral. But my dad was the stronger one! He had quit smoking cold turkey years ago, no health issues, and was still painting houses in his seventies.
The amount of tears that came forth could have flooded the countryside, as if Hurricane Irene hadn’t already done so the week prior. That faucet was then opened again a few weeks later when my wife admitted to me that during the past six years of marriage she’s lost all interest in me and has been living a perpetual lie.
This news comes after having two children, one only 9 months old at the time. If you had asked me two of my greatest fears I’ve had quite some time, I would have told you that I was afraid of my father ever passing away, and that I was afraid of my wife falling out of love with me. Within a 30 day span of time the two worst things I could imagine happened at once, and unfortunately it coincided with a time when my depression/anxiety medication stopped working.
What really saved me was my support structure. I learned awhile back that I was not alone, no one truly is, and decided to reach out. I had started therapy at the beginning of the month, and now had a life coach. I allowed myself to be vulnerable. I talked to everyone I could and learned that there are others who are willing to help you put on that parachute as you’re being pushed out from the plane. They’re willing to walk you through opening it up.
They’re even there to catch you if it never opens!
Realizing this fact has saved me.
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