Awkward

[justdom]

I've been seeing my therapist for a few months now. Last week we briefly touched on the issue of intimacy, and he said that this was good, that now we can start working on the really important stuff. At first I was taken back-haven't I been doing 'work' the last few months, what else is there to do? However over the past week I've come in contact with exactly 'what'. It's all the pain, all the loss, or the rage I've never really processed and sort of bound up, hoping I could let it just sit there. I touch it, and it almost pulses. I've realised how much energy I spent keeping it locked up, but also how much pain is there. I've got my session in about an hour, and honestly, I'm very scared. Even on my own, I'm worried if it'll reduce me to a blobbering mess, and I fear that maybe I'll never stop crying. Even brushing by it makes my head hurt, my eyes well up, and body start to shake. On the other hand something tells me this is exactly what I need to be doing-this is the way I'll go forward. I hope today I can take steps to embrace this, even if just a little bit.

[justdom]

Well, it didn't quite go to plan.

Due to personal matters, my therapist had decided to terminate seeing all clients for the time being.

So I let him have it.

For me, this has been the biggest trigger in my life. I let people in, I feel they really want to know me. Then they leave. And it's over, and over, and over again. I feel like I can't deal with the constant no-shows from people I'm supposed to trust. I mean I fought everything to come, to start dealing with what's really bothering me, and this guys taking off!

I'm supposed to have one more session with him next week, and I really don't want to see him. I don't want to go back talking about my week, and I don't want to venture into deeper territory if he's not gonna be there.

I know this is where I'm supposed to be, and it feels good to be this angry. I also know this is something I have to work on. I have the option of the clinic assigning me another therapist, me ending the therapy, or finding a new therapist elsewhere. My friend is also suggesting that maybe this is a good opportunity to work on the abandonment issues I have, but I'm hurting inside right now, and I don't know if I can.

Anyone else have this experience? How did you walk through this?

[terryb]

I've had the experience of a therapist letting me know that he won't be available to treat me after another few meetings. It's a huge surprise and shock - and does feel like abandonment. (My guy was relocating to a different part of the country. Maybe your guy is having some serious problem of his own - you never know.) Unlike you, I was ready to move on without him - he was a good therapist and I'd gotten from him the tools I needed to make some progress on my own for a while.

YOU, on the other hand, need to continue to talk to someone. It sounds like you've just started to scratch the surface of major issues in your life and talking to someone is going to help you very much. It could be life changing. Or life saving. I wouldn't bother going to the last meeting with the current therapist - I mean, what's the point? - but I strongly advise you to find another one. And also to realize that not every therapist is a good fit and you may need to go through several before you find one that's right for you. Frankly, alot of these "therapists" are almost useless or can even do more damage than good. Try to find someone who actually is a psychologist (not just a social worker or "counselor") - that's a good start but doesn't guarantee success. But if you take the time to meet with people and find a good one, it will be well worth all of the effort. Best of luck.

[next year]

Anyone else have this experience? How did you walk through this?

I had to fire a therapist. At the time I had kind of worked through what I needed to, so I confronted her and then discontinued therapy. But later on when I needed help I did go to a different therapist.

It is such a bummer. Especially having to go through your history again with someone new. But it is worth it in the long run, and I hope that you find another therapist - it sounds like you had been making some serious progress.

[justdom]

I had to fire a therapist

I'm thinking that if I had the courage, I probably would've fired my first one, because she let me keep doing my intellectual busllshitting, but then, maybe I just wasn't ready....

After this weekend, I know I definitely want to continue my therapy. This issue has kicked up a lot of memories that I didn't even realise I had, and all the pain and anger and helplessness associated with them. I think it's probably taken this long for me to be able to clear a space for them to come up to the surface just enough to be able to deal with them. It's like when you find yourself tapping your foot or pen to a beat you slowly become aware is somewhere outside. I've been living my life trying to keep these feelings under wraps, and I really want to keep moving forward. I want to get the place where this is no longer a place of pain or shame. I was wondering what I was going to start working on next, and I think I've found my starting point.

I'm also going to have my last session with current therapist. People leaving me in my time of need has been (what feels like) a hallmark in my life, and my main defence has been to block EVERYONE out, to keep myself guarded. If therapy is supposed to be a safe place to explore issues, then I think for me, exploring abandonment issues with someone that's leaving in such a setting could allow me to vent and explore alternatives without the fear of judgement or retribution. I know my other response to someone manipulate potential friends/lovers/instructors to sign up to an unspoken lifelong companion agreement that they don't know about. I know that's unhealthy, hasn't worked, and those willing to sign up to that are just as damaged as me.

[dare i say it]

I'm also going to have my last session with current therapist.

Good for you. Everything you wrote sounds really healthy. If it comes up, I think it would be fair (and possibly therapeutic) to tell your therapist how you feel about him leaving. If it were me I would stick to things like, "Your leaving brings up feelings of abandonment in me" as opposed to, "What a jerk you are for abandoning me." It sounds like you have the right approach though. I was just trying to imagine how I would handle myself in that situation.

[next year]

I'm thinking that if I had the courage, I probably would've fired my first one

When I had to fire that therapist I was struck by the fact that I must be doing better to work up the courage to confront her and stick to my guns. So in the end, I did get something out of the relationship and not everything she did was shitty, right?

I think the fact that you are able to intellectualize your feelings is great - I think that's a big step towards better mental health.

[threeletters]

Hi justdom! ::waving and smiling::

I've gone through a handful of therapists in my time. Most of them I only saw for one session because I realized early on it was not going to work. This is partly because it was through my university's counseling services so switching from one therapist to another was incredibly easy and I never had to let the therapist know that I wasn't coming back.

However, recently I moved for a job (leaving my therapist was SO SAD since I'm pretty sure without him I would have quit graduate school) and started seeing a new therapist. I chose her for no other reason than she was in my neighborhood and I thought it would be easy-peasy. But I got the disturbing feeling pretty early on that she was very judgmental of her patients. And when I told her what was going on, she was judgmental of why I couldn't do the things that were "clearly" better for me. After three sessions I called it quits. It kind of was like firing her, but I let her know I just needed someone who was a better fit for my style. Then I decided to google each and every therapist in a five mile radius of me that my insurance would cover. (I have a strong suspicion that therapists with their own websites are simply more invested in their patients.) One woman's message of hope made me cry when I read it, and now I'm working with her. She's unbelievably patient with me and she's a much better fit.

All that to say, when switching to a new therapist don't feel like you have to take the first person offered to you. I strongly believe that you should know in the first session whether they are a good fit for you.

Having said that, you should know that delving into those emotions you keep brushing up against is GOING. TO. SUCK. My first session with my last (really good) therapist was an absolute sob-fest and then I had to take public transportation back home. And for a good couple days I felt like a human punching bag. It was so painful and I was almost sore, like my soul hurt. But I knew I was in good hands with my therapist. If you're going to go through that kind of pain you need to make sure it's with someone you trust. I know that I still have a lot of issues to work through but I'm less afraid now that I've dealt with some of the worst of it and came out the other side a stronger person.

Good luck! And if you have to take the bus/subway back home after therapy...take big sunglasses and pretend you're a movie star!!

[justdom]

Hi there threeletters!

I usually cycle to and from the therapists office, so I guess my concern would be be able to see enough, and hoping the tears would be blown back.

All that to say, when switching to a new therapist don't feel like you have to take the first person offered to you. I strongly believe that you should know in the first session whether they are a good fit for you.

Having said that, you should know that delving into those emotions you keep brushing up against is GOING. TO. SUCK.

What's strange was that I wasn't entirely keen on this therapist initially, but it turns out he was able to get me this far. I know subconsciously I'll try to give the next one a hard time, almost as a payback for this one. I'll work hard on avoiding that. I'm staying with the same practice so at least I the next one will get my files, and I can summarise to this point, rather than restarting from the beginning.

I've prided myself of always being 'in control', and I'm not sure what scares me more-the potential sobbing and screaming I'll do, or re-experiencing the helplessness I'm starting to feel. I know it's pointless, but I'm trying to 'prepare' myself, without overanalysing. terryb said it was good that I could intellectualise how I felt. Unfortunately analysing situations, rather than feeling them became my coping mechanism, and I'm having to move that ever rusty switch over to the 'feel more' section.

[threeletters]

Hello again!

I've prided myself of always being 'in control',

Wow I could have written that sentence myself! When I first went to therapy I literally said, "I know exactly what I'm feeling, I just don't know what to do with all of these emotions." I was SO UNBELIEVABLY wrong. Looking back I'm shocked my therapist didn't laugh out loud at me. But having grown up basically raising myself and needing to be in control and independent in order to "make it" have made me feel like being in control is necessary for survival. I'm addicted to structure and when I don't have it I completely fall apart.

I think it is good that we intellectualize our emotions, but only up to a point. My friends constantly tell me I need to stop giving myself timelines for my emotions. I always say, "I should be over it by now." Instead they tell me the emotions will be what they will be. I have yet to accept that but I'm working on it.

Try not to be too hard on your new therapist. And try to stick with it as regularly as you can. I think it works better that way. Even on days I really don't want to go (like today, actually) I realize that in the end it will be better for me. Just like going to the gym.