from my daily notebook

[manuel_moe_g]

Was writing in my daily notebook journal, because was thinking about how I started working on my depression/anxiety 16 years ago at the age of 25, due to a breakdown I suffered. I realized that I needed to change or else I was on a path where it was very possible that I would commit suicide.

These are 3 things that I feel as challenges today:

[1] My daily regular life is too painful - I flinch and am pained and curse and swear and get irritated and aggravated and angry over typical events and expected daily problems. I read that being too quick to irritation can lead to procrastination because then you desperately need to soothing you get from distracting activities. I need to make peace with a more realistic view of the future, work to take aggravations in stride and be resilient, don't go overboard with negative future visualizations, bring my mood in line with peace and acceptance.

[2] Speaking of distractions, the distracting activities in my life are robbing me of the time I need to make my dreams come true, and that is so distressing. Less iPod fiddling around, less iPhone fiddling around, less web surfing, less news junkie activities, less political tribalism activities, less compulsive snacking and fast food runs, less porn surfing. I enjoy these activities, but I want them to work for me, not that I work for them. Before I indulge, I should wholeheartedly express my intention, and not just mindlessly drift into doing these distractions for indefinite amounts of time. They should not be done as a compulsion. I remember seeing that "fattest man in the world" eating tons of boiled hot-dogs smothered in mayonnaise. It is easy to see he should eat less, eat better, to enjoy it more, in a healthy way. Me too, with my distractions. First, construct the full healthy intention to enjoy an activity, insert a wait before beginning the activity so I deny the compulsive part of it, build up positive anticipation, and then enjoy the activity for a time-limited amount that I establish beforehand, and maximize the experience, so the least amount of these activities brings me the most pleasure, and my life can be balanced between accomplishment and enjoyable activities.

[3] Desire to attain goals implies first giving myself permission to fail along the way. There is no way to achieve that does not have some failure along the way. Visualize dealing with the expected failure along the way - visualize dealing with it easily and with aplomb.

These are the stepping stones in my life, because I am feeling it sharply the worry that month after month I will continue to live without accomplishment, and that will be the rest of my life. Without a course correction I am risking a breakdown, and my last breakdown took me towards suicide from desperation and loss of hope. So be aware of the stakes. If I calmly keep these in mind regularly during the day, I will not immediately be successful, but that does not mean it is worthless to try. Just keep these in mind regularly during the day, and I can truthfully say that I am making progress at the fastest rate and that my ability will grow and in the future I will be more capable.

[dare i say it]

Manuel_moe_g,

I find it quite courageous of you to share your notebook entry with all of us. I could be misreading this situation--I'm good at that--but it sounds like you're going through a great deal of distress. I can relate to nearly all of the struggles you describe. It's not such a good idea for us to "play therapist" to each other, but I feel like it's perfectly okay for us to exchange ideas about ways to put ourselves in the best possible position to get better. What's on your list of things that help you? It doesn't have to be specific--just broad categories of things that have helped you in the past, or that you might consider trying in the future. I'm in a bit of a "try everything" phase and I'm open to new ideas.

Dan

[manuel_moe_g]

Hi "dare i say it" / Dan!

My mood has been confusing - getting better at non-medical way of dealing with depression makes me unsure if I am climbing out of depression or sinking deeper - now it is practically impossible for it all to fall completely apart That is a warm feeling - 16 years of very very very very slow progress, but always ratcheting forward never backward, to my amazement

I am having a hard time with managing my expectations when it comes to techniques to get serious about my goals and work toward my accomplishments. I used to think that if I didn't immediately leap into action and thing changed instantly better, that I should quickly abandon that technique. Now I see that is a completely unrealistic way to try out new techniques.

I am going to try a single piece of paper, made up of text to copy out longhand each morning - a combination of the fears that drive me (I am a person motivated by fear and dread and remorse) and the positive actions that have a high probability to leading to accomplishment. A single 8.5x11 sheet of paper, single side, easy to photocopy - lets start with that thing.

Why - because I had a larger packet of text to write out longhand, and I managed to make it so complicated that I abandoned it and I was stressed out by the thought of managing it - like my wife says, I am the master of making things too complicated, that is one major component of my idiocy

A major part of my moment by moment thoughts is to bring down my pain and anxiety levels from just basic living - all I am doing is making it irresistible to break-down into a heap

[ Kudos on your response to the domestic-abuse question, I am so happy for the people on this board that your calm friendly helpful voice is available ]

All the best, cheers, continue to kick ass!

[dare i say it]

I am going to try a single piece of paper, made up of text to copy out longhand each morning - a combination of the fears that drive me (I am a person motivated by fear and dread and remorse) and the positive actions that have a high probability to leading to accomplishment.

Sounds really good. Accept your fears for what they are. Then focus on things under your control that work for you. Very sensible.

[ Kudos on your response to the domestic-abuse question, I am so happy for the people on this board that your calm friendly helpful voice is available. ]

That just made me feel really good. I'm not gonna lie. I'm touched that you feel that way. Now, if only I could be more calm, friendly and helpful in person! Ah, baby steps.

[manuel_moe_g]

I started writing a list of things to copy out longhand everyday. I was going to write on a 8.5x11 sheet of paper, but I found myself waiting in the car with my Mead notebook that I always carry around that is 7.5x9.75, and I figured the smaller size would make it easier to complete the list!

I split it up into 3 categories, [1] motivating fears/remorse, [2] monthly accomplishments based on my desired life accomplishments, [3] reminders and exercises to maintain daily focus hour by hour or minute by minute

I will not write [2] desired life accomplishments here, because I am ashamed of how grandiose they sound given that I am prone to sleeping the day away and mindlessly surfing the internet and taking advantage from everyone and everything in my life to just coast by. My untethered grandiosity is dangerous , because daydreaming of accomplishments gives me a mental boost, in lieu of actually doing work to make those accomplishments real. So I will keep my desired life accomplishments on the down-low until I have earned the right to hate myself less for daring to dream.

In fact to the end of all my listed [2]s I wrote after them "Reality not Grandiosity"

So this is what I have for [1] & [3], this is more verbose than what I actually wrote, because exactly as I wrote them they would be unclear

"Close eyes, imagine remorse at age of 71, wishing to go back 30 years and live life better and try harder"

"Close eyes, imagine path I will walk all day today, and like a giant string of pearls on that path, there are floating blue spheres along the way, where I get a dose of clarity as I pass through them"

"Feeling of dread as I am fired from place of employment and my financial responsibility to my family is in tatters"

"Close eyes, imagine path I will walk all day today, and like a giant string of pearls on that path, there are a few floating red spheres along the way, where I get a dose of determination as I pass through them, determination to "up-shift" my working energy level and give an effort and pace that take me past my usual comfort zone for a set period of time, so I expand my effort capability through practice."

"My daughter crying at age of 25, because heart full of uncertainty of future success and full of disappointment from lack of opportunity, because I failed in my responsibility to financially provide and emotionally and spiritually support."

[ One note, some of these images are pretty intense, and I have felt so ashamed that visualizing intense images didn't immediately make me burst into permanently sustained action. That isn't the point, and that isn't realistic. There is no perfect motivation, not being willing to forgive yourself for imperfect willpower is exactly equivalent to settling for a reduced level of effectiveness, because to be maximally effective, you have to treat yourself lovingly and compassionately and carefully measure out reward and punishment.

[dare i say it]

As I read your post it struck me that it seems like you and I share the habit of being extraordinarily hard on ourselves. When I got up today one of my several goals was to read an entire book (there are at least 6 on the shelf waiting to be read). That's unrealistic for me, by the way. I'm not very good yet at forgiving myself and accepting my limitations. That's a tricky thing to do without feeling like I'm "letting myself off the hook." You mentioned in an earlier post that you feel motivated by negative things like fear and shame. I can relate to that--big time. I'm trying very hard now to just do what works and leave the shame out of it. It's easier said than done, but I am starting to have some success. It is sooooo freeing to not feel like such a horrible person!

[manuel_moe_g]

Not to be a Debbie-Downer, but I don't think the type of motivation a person responds to can be changed. If you are aware of it and work with conscious intention, that is the best you can do. But, actually, that is still pretty good.

[dare i say it]

I don't mind anyone expressing a genuine feeling. So, not to worry about sounding like a "downer." I don't actually know for sure if I can change where my motivation comes from. However, it seems like at least some of the problems I have with motivation come from the attitudes & behaviors I adopted growing up around people who themselves were driven mostly by shame and fear. I guess you could hypothesize that it's genetic. I could hypothesize that it's at least partially learned behavior. I'm never going to know if it's possible for me to change unless or until I have some success. Even then, there is no such thing as perfect motivation, so there will never be a total victory. That's hard to accept, but then I have little to lose by trying. I figure if I can make things worse, then I can make them better. If I can make a little progress, then maybe I can make a lot of progress. If other people can make dramatic changes in their lives, then it's at least worth a try for me to make those changes.

One of my problems is that I'm sometimes "a little too smart for my own good." I assume I have all the answers, or at least that I can find all the answers I need on my own without anyone else's help. Even in the past, when I was desperate enough to humble myself and see a mental health professional, I would go in with the attitude that, "I'm not doing this or that type of therapy because that's just a bunch of crap, and if it's really going to help me it should seem to me right away like it's going to help me." Of course, there is always some self-monitoring that needs to go on with any treatment, but I was mostly just getting in my own way. I say all the right things, and I give the impression of being cooperative, and I genuinely want any treatment to be successful, but deep down I can be soooo stubborn. I feel like I needed to make a couple of trial runs at treating my mental problems. Each time I became a little bit better at taking suggestions. I have a long, long, long way to go, but from this vantage point I can see that part of what held me back all those years was how hard it has been for me to truly accept help.

[manuel_moe_g]

I'm never going to know if it's possible for me to change unless or until I have some success.

Oh, most definitely. I work on my type of motivation and amount of motivation almost every day. I sometimes phrase things in a fatalistic way because my problem is usually "experiencing failure leading to absolutely giving up and dangerous backsliding". A few years ago I hated myself because a specific type of positive motivation was not working for me - I wish I knew then what I knew now. Don't take my fatalistic way of expressing things lead you to not try and do the best for yourself.

I assume I have all the answers, or at least that I can find all the answers I need on my own without anyone else's help.

The last podcast with Mike Schmidt really hit hard with the talk about narcissism. I suffer from positive narcissism (I am the greatest), negative narcissism (I am the worst piece of shit), and all-encompassing functional narcissism (if I have a problem, the solution is self-contained between my two ears, so I need to crawl inside of my own bellybutton and focus on me, me, me, and me). Just the last two days I have been blowing my own mind by noticing how many of my thoughts and actions make zero sense outside of feeding my own narcissism - and there are definitely no solutions to be found there!

I feel like I needed to make a couple of trial runs at treating my mental problems.

This is perfectly logical. Isn't it strange we refuse to give ourselves permission to indulge in a few trial runs?

[dare i say it]

Yes, that makes sense. I feel like I'm moving in the right direction now. I just wish it hadn't taken so long to fully accept help. It would have been nice if people around me were clued-in and courageous enough to say to my face, "Dan, your problems are serious. Trying to do this on your own is getting in the way of your healing. You need to learn to take direction. Take advantage of all the help that is available to you." That literally could have saved me from a few years of misery by accelerating the treatment process.