Documentaries & Other Media

[manuel_moe_g]

Great list, very helpful. Thanks, dare i say it.

[dare i say it]

one thing i like to do sometimes when i'm down is watch lars von trier get trapped in the most awkward sentence of all time :http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=stjM2q3D8I4&feature=related

his famous nazi gaffe

He was totally kidding, right? He just made a really bad miscalculation about what's appropriate to joke about and what isn't, right? I don't really know anything about the guy and there seems to be a slight language/cultural barrier, but still...you gotta know that joking about being a Nazi is going to offend some people no matter what. Anyway, I assume he's learned that lesson by now. It's a shame that that will probably always be a big part of what he's remembered for.

[cyanidebreathmint]

Yeah, he was. He grew up believing himself to be jewish until well into adulthood, so I doubt he is antisemitic. I dunno, I don't think he's hateful. He's eccentric. He seems sort of drawn to miserable, horrible things, so maybe he can "understand" Hitler on that level.

I made a list, but am reticent to share it. But I will, cuz I think it fair. Then, eventually, I will need to post more docs or media to even it out. lol.

Also, I keep thinking about how I never responded to nextyear's post here and told them that I saw 'It's a Funny Story' and thought it was nice, too.

Anyway, my list sort of in categorical bunches from bad to better.

self injury
drugs&alcohol
road rage
disordered exercising
disordered eating
isolating
talking to myself
rationalizing

sleeping
sarcasm/humor

listening to music/comedy/podcasts
writing/painting/art/playing music/singing
reading
watching documentaries/educational stuff
talking to friends/brother
watching tv/movies/comedy
exercising
cleaning/organizing

I sometimes obsess over whether not having secrets means you don't have a self left. That's probably wrong. On another level, I worry about being boring. hehe. Oh well.

[manuel_moe_g]

I sometimes obsess over whether not having secrets means you don't have a self left.

Wow, that thought never occurred to me. I associate not having any secrets with being so real that it will scare away all the suckers and turkeys.

[cyanidebreathmint]

lol there's one way to look at it

[cyanidebreathmint]

The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive, with Stephen Fry (everybody loves Stephen Fry, he's so damn adorable as a person)

http://youtu.be/gXkmb5s8Igc
http://youtu.be/_v9ois4_Z8g
http://youtu.be/5zSsKiUUACA
http://youtu.be/7ekDFfDSKWQ
http://youtu.be/q5TqGycQXJ8
http://youtu.be/MHaOhoz9c2M
http://youtu.be/0Jky9JeVcFM
http://youtu.be/aOOgmOpt87g

It seems to be about 2 hours long. All of those are 15 min segments, in order. He talks with Carrie Fisher and Richard Dreyfus about their bipolar disorder, as well as other people in the community, including kids. I found it to be really interesting. He also talks about that thing creative people seem to have with not wanting to give up their mental illness for the creativity or insight or side benefits they assume it gives them.

A really cool idea is brought up about keeping a mood chart. I've kept journals on and off, but a chart seems particularly interesting. Also there's a person in there who claims to have kept her manic depression in check with diet and exercise. And she's a doc.

[dare i say it]

I made a list, but am reticent to share it.

Thank you for sharing your list. In general, I think finding a way to be open about what's going on in me is a good thing, although I do choose very carefully when and with whom I share the deepest secrets. After I posted my list, I felt a little overexposed, like maybe I had shared too much. I was also really pissed at myself because I gave the impression that I was being completely open while I was actually holding back a few things. It's tough. Then I read your list and I realized that there is no inner struggle someone could admit to having that would make me think less of them.

I could have included occasional self-harm on my list. I also could have listed something like Tourette's. At some point, I could have mentioned that I've been suicidal to varying degrees many times in my life. If anyone's wondering, I'm 100% honest about those thoughts with my therapist. I'm safer and more stable now than I've been in years. I've maintained a decent support network. I have an emergency plan, although it's less of an issue these days.

Oh, and one last admission. Being alone with my thoughts can be pretty rough even now. So, to get to sleep I often watch TV until I'm super drowsy and then set the sleep timer for 30 minutes or so. That way there's something to pay attention to while I'm falling asleep other than the negative thoughts that seem to run on a loop in my head most of the time.

[manuel_moe_g]

Being alone with my thoughts can be pretty rough even now.

My inner dialog has changed so much over the last 15 years, and I can't quite pinpoint how I got to a much healthier inner dialog.

I guess it was the just consistently speaking back to my inner voice in a calm way, forcing it to be specific about what exactly it wanted to communicate, and also forcing it to be specific about what exactly it wanted me to do and to change about myself. When you force a voice to be specific and define its terms, and to state things in terms of discrete actions and not vague judgement, the voice loses a *LOT* of its negative power.

The change was imperceptible over the span of a day or a week, but over years, it is a big change. You don't deserve to have to wait years, but I thought I would talk about my experience, maybe it can help. Cheers, all the best.

[dare i say it]

Yeah, that's definitely encouraging. Thank you very much for sharing that. I've noticed changes over time myself, and I wish I had a better feel for what made the difference. What most people call CBT or simply "therapy" has definitely accelerated my progress.

The lastest thing I've been working on is called dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). I'll try to hit the highlights. It's similar to CBT in some ways, but with a few other things thrown in to hopefully make it more effective for people who have been less than successful in the past with mental health care. If you do any research on DBT, you'll find tons of references to borderline personality disorder and patients with suicidal thoughts. If these might apply to you, I feel like I should point out that the more difficult your situation is, the more important it is to have as much support as possible while you seek treatment. The first time I came across DBT I had almost no support (no one working with me, no one to answer questions, no support group, none of the written materials), and I lasted all of 3 or 4 days with it. This time with DBT, I have as much support as I can get my hands on (a therapist trained in DBT, a small circle of family & friends who at least know that I'm working on myself, a support group, and a workbook). It's going much better--6 weeks and counting. On the other hand, if you're not diagnosed as borderline and you've never been suicidal, the core skills of DBT are so down-to-earth and universal that they can be of use to pretty much anyone.

Here's a link to a NYTimes article about Marsha Linehan who founded DBT. As someone who has suffered with mental health my whole life and had mixed results getting treatment, I found it very touching. http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/23/health/23lives.html?pagewanted=all

[cyanidebreathmint]

I also could have listed something like Tourette's.

I'll take that to mean I'm not alone in the literal, out-loud, compulsive talking to myself. I've only ever done this when the suicidal thought loop gets so intense that I guess my brain creates a release valve. A release valve that would probably be very troubling to others. I think it is a product of repression. Like, intense repression. For me, at least.

Elements of OCD and tourette's and depression overlap. It makes sense, I think, that obsession about negative things, looping and looping, could lead to the verbal "tic". I dunno.

I take solace in the fact that I know when I'm' talking to myself, even if it's a bit compulsive.

to get to sleep I often watch TV until I'm super drowsy and then set the sleep timer for 30 minutes or so

I've been doing that since I was a kid. Either tv, or ipod, or back in the day, walkmen, or radio.



So...this stuff is more normal than we think, right? hehe.