please, need suggestions

[lornrick]

I'm seeing a therapist, he is very reluctant to send patients for psych meds, and yet he really feels I need them, this was also backed up by my family doc. I see the psychiatrist on friday, and am really terrified by it. Little history, sorry. I have, we all feel, cronic depression, going back to even when I was born, with serious depression that comes in episodes. I have never to my knowlege felt happy or at ease, and this year has been even by my therapist guidlines hell and beyond, and it's not over yet. My dad died of a very rare brain virus, which destroyed him piece by piece over 9 months, and during that my wife of 12 years decided we needed a divorse, she gave no reason. My family doc thinks I may have also a kind of mental ocd, and add asbergers as a possibility to the mix. I was put on ritilan as a young kid, back when it was called hyper kenetic, not ADD, yes thats true. And they tried anti depressents later, my mind fought and beat all of them. I know that sounds stupid, sorry again. I have two major fears, one, i'm 41, and for good or bad i'm still here, what if I said everything wrong and I really shouldn't be on anything, instead i'm wasting valuable time that could be used on others who truly need them. The second is, nothing has worked before, I can tell the therapist why all of what happens in my mind is useless and a waste of energy, I know how things should work, but can't stop thinking. And meds, granted have come a long way, have had no effect. If they do work....what well happen to me, what will I lose, what well change. I'll still be alone, my situation won't change, reality won't shift. I'm really scared I will hate myself more, and I really can't look at mirrors, listen to my voice or say anything good about myself allready, that really scares me.My mind is a mess, but it has been all I've had. I know to many this has got to be the stupidiest thing you've ever heard, and I cry even writing it for how it must look. Please, anyone, tell me how to hope, or why i'm over reacting. Again sorry, and thank you

[Ipsis]

How to hope? Lornick you are a hero. Look at yourself, you managed to finish school, you had a good marriage for 12 years, you helped your father for many years, and still are able to work, and, on top of all that, even took your time to help me with your kind words. You are already a wonderful, kind and very strong person, nothing, no med will take that from you! I think you can only improve if you can get rid of your anxiety and depression. And if a med can help you with that, help you see a light at the end of the tunnel, so be it. Thank heavens we have this option. It seems to me your fears are very reasonable, you are not overreacting. I think the most important for you now is find a good psychiatrist, a “human” one, not just a prescription filler, so you can tell him/her your history and your feelings and he/she will be willing to start slowly, see you more often to monitor your reaction to the meds and patiently help you to find the best solution for you. It is also important that, once you are convinced, you commit to the treatment. Meds can be dangerous if not taken seriously. And, if it doesn’t work, at least you tried. Usually in the process we start to see options that were once hidden from us.

[Michigoose]

I second Ipsis's response. I've been on psych meds since the mid 90s when they were being handed out like Mardi Gras beads, and I don't like the idea of a doctor prescribing psychiatric drugs for someone they don't have an ongoing relationship with -- even if that doctor is a psychiatrist. An ongoing relationship can mean a lot of things, and it doesn't have to mean that you see this doctor twice per week (although when you're first getting to know each other and starting meds that wouldn't be bad), but meeting for a few minutes once per month isn't going to give the doctor any insight into who you really are, and it's not going to help them see that drug A is making you zombie-like and that you seem to have a lot of repetitive thoughts if you try to stop taking drug B. I also really appreciate being able to contact my doc by phone or text message when I have a question. He's not always able to respond, but it beats having to wait for an appointment when I just have a quick question about a side effect, or whether it's okay for me to change a dosage if I don't feel right.

It's up to you to be aware of whether your concerns are being addressed by your doctor. If not, move on, especially if you are concerned about the impact these drugs might have on you. As Ipsis said, these drugs can be very helpful, but they are *not* *not* *NOT* to be taken lightly.

[lornrick]

I really want to thank both of you for your kind words.Sorry for the delayed response,been a very insane couple of days.Ipsis, I really want to apoligize for that that message on your intro post, I started by just trying to answer your question, then went way to long, that should be only about you and wasn't fair. I know this is a weak exscuse, but I really do work about 12 hour days, and it is rare if I talk to anyone except myself. So it's the feast or famine, and I fear that when I get the chance to let it out, well it floods out.

[the cheat]

man, you are apologizing way too much. you aren't putting some burden on all of us by saying what's on your mind.

you're gonna feel better eventually, man. you've got this immense grief going on, but over time it'll subside.

[lornrick]

sad thing was, my first thought was to apoligize for apoligizing. I really hope Paul Gilmartin hears this, I did go to see the Psychiatrist yesterday, and without his website, podcast and people on this forum, I don't think I could have done it, seeing my therapist fine, asking for meds, espically with my past exsperiences were i'm at, was very hard. I have now been told by both, i'm very complicatedm, don't think thats a good thing, yikes. He has me researching several disorders and wants me to diagnose myself, then compare with what he his thinking, and if he can find my old test, see how close we come to what the underline issue is. I wont bore you with all that, but the big surprise, for me, was that I accepted starting a meds right away, not for depression, but anxiety, clonazepam, three times a day, and I said yes. If it wasn't for Paul's podcast and site, to which I heard about this med with, sorry forgot her name, the one who has a issue flying, I don't think I could have said yes. He has me on a low dose just to try for ten days, with a promise I will call on tuesday to say what it felt like and sooner if I have any problems. He also wants me to research lithium. I'm on my third dose and so far ok, infact, my daughter was dropped of to work for the weekend, went to help me and was using a veggie dicer on tomatos for pico, and was saying, she was the one smashing down the weight to dice them," what could possible go wrong with...smash, she caught my finger under it and took the side by the finger nail off. I was very calm with it, didn't even hurt much, but was able to laugh it off. Could be the med, maybe not, but I did feel a little less stress. The big test will be tuesday when i'm on my bus route, thats when the mind really is board and gets hard on my self, and anxiety attacks. He wants me to think about a group he does, the catches, i'm loseing issurence with the divorse, and not sure how anything well work after that, the meetings are during when I work, and he said something like 40 grand, I froze when he said that, he thinks I may get a chariety help, which I'm not sure about. Ok rambled way to long, way to long, but thankyou all who went on the podcast, and those who have been kind enough to comment, you all have helped me so much

[Ipsis]

Hey, Lornrick! No need to apologize at all! I am so glad to find you well!! And yor psychiatrist seems to be so good! I envy you! I just loved this approach to involve the patient in researching the possibilities. Wow, and this support group he is proposing seems soooo great!
And I am very happy to hear that you are already feeling well!! It's natural to have some down moments during treatment, but when (and if) it happens hang on there!
You know, I was offline since Thursday and it was funny because I caught myself wondering on Friday how you were doing in your first session with your new doctor. Please post more news, I'm eager to know how you're doing!

[lornrick]

Thanks Ipsis, sounds like you read the med post, some ups and downs, for the first 3 hours I get pretty groggy, but still chaulk that up to adapting. But today even at it's strongest point I felt the suicidal pressure creeping in, but I was also very restless, and think I did an adrenalin rush trying to counter the groggyness. But we are talking first week on a med that can be twicked a lot, and this was just a shot in the dark from him. The group sounds great, but i'm losing insurance, don't have 400 let alone 40,000 for it, and the other catch I would have to work with work since its in the middle of my shift, and that means less money for me, stresses me more than anything right now. I will agree I think I got lucky with both therapist, and owe them both a lot of thanks. But the new one is at a BIG hospital, I live in Rochester MN, that will let you know which one, and d once insurance is gone I will lose that, so only have a month or two to figure this out max. Endless typing again. Seriously though thank you for your thoughts, I wish I was exagerating but this apart from my therapist is it for support for me, or talking, so it means alot. I just hope I can be of help too to you and others here

[next year]

It sounds like your meds are kind of working - I hope it's going well.

You have been through the wringer emotionally. I know the feeling of not wanting to take meds or being scared to... Sometimes I get frustrated "Why do I have to take a drug to feel normal?" My anxiety or depression will go away for a long time (months, years) and then it hits me like a train. It's hard. I've gotten to the point where I'm just thankful I've found meds that work for me. I can go from high functioning to barely functioning pretty quickly and it's scary. Anyway I think you are way stronger than you think you are and that you are on your way to getting better.

Were you diagnosed with ADD? My husband was diagnosed at 35 and it made a big difference with his chronic depression. ADD and depression go hand in hand but there are different ways to treat ADD. He read a book a friend recommended to me, "Driven to Distraction" by Edward M. Hallowell and John J. Ratey and it really changed things for him. He has dyslexia and it was the first book I ever saw him read cover to cover. He said it was like reading about himself. If you haven't read it you might want to check it out.

[lornrick]

Thanks for all you said, I will check into the book. Technicly I was diagnosed back in the 70's as hyperkenetic, before add and adhd, I was put on ritilan, but my mind rebelled against it, and since I seemd to function they let it go. Friday I have my next meeting to compare what we each think is my diagnosis. I did run stuff through with my therapist too for help. So my conclusion, as a non psych or doc, came up with generlised anxiety, aspergers, distymia with episodes of major depression, me and the therapist agreed on these, the odd and disturbing part of it was meeting all criteria for both schzoid and avoidant disorders, and several traits from OCPD and bipolar spectrum mixed mood disorder, having to face reading all that was devistating in its own way. I should say there is a catch with me, and the add part, though I may not be able to focus one thing, I can concentrate on any number, and keep track of all of them, so i have never been distracted. I do not mean this as a bragg point or even something to be proud of, it was pure defense. I had,or felt I had to listen to everyone talking at all times, so 30 kids in a classroom, I listened to them all. I would get ambushed in hall ways, books taken out of my bag and hit with them, stuff poured on me, atempts tp push me in front of moving buses, and constant set ups. So by Jr High had forced developed multi taskingto an exstrem. On the bad side, it has kept my energy so divided that even though I can do all I need, I can't take things to higher levels, if that makes sense. God I did it again and talked way to much, I really am trying not to, sorry. One positive response though, yes the med really has helped some, so for a guess on the docs part, wow, and still can't believe i was so near the end I agreed to do it. It did prove anxiety is my main issue too. So thankyou again Next year, I owe my tying to Mr Gillmartin and all of you on here

There is no greater lonelyness than being alone in a crowd