Dear Dan , and all of you others
Thank you for your words of encouragement. It remains the most difficult of times and the holidays approaching are not helping. I've fallen back into a pattern of binge eating followed by 2hours of agreesive cardio in the gym to try and undo the damage. It's a cycle of feeling good Witt the food followed by working off the guilt and loathing.
Dan, thank you for the ETC info. Oddly, I'm not at all nervous about the prospect. Even more though , it likely is the only time any family might sit up and take notice that I'm in hospital at that point and something tangible and physical makes sense.
My siblings have quite literally checked put of my life, some live within 5 miles, others further. I've been in my parents basement for three months now and no one has so much has asked to speak to me and say "how are you?" yet Christmas time is the time for those fake visits where people have to pretend there is a relationship. Right now, as cowardly as it may sound, I don't have it in me to fake it. My mother has become a drama queen, clutching her neck and usuing her mantra "your going to give me a nervous breakdown!" I can't make the Walton's Christmas come to life for my mother. I keep pleading with her to give me the one shred of dignity I have left after loosing everything, and allow me to gracefully decline any invitations and visits im not up for, I'm 49 fucking years old, in crises, and the biggest deal to some family members is that I sit there and fake enjoying a non existent relationship for the sake of making them comfortable.
Does anyone have any suggestions on how to cope with this. My sister, a once closest sibling has informed her kids, my nephew and niece to carefull monitor the time they spend with there "unwell" uncle, well, it seems right then, to meet that decree half way and say "let me make this easier...the unwell uncle doesn't want to spend time with you!". And the I glance over at my mother, poised for the nervous breakdown that never comes, and I think...this is all my fault....and I grab food, and hide in my room.
Who am I? What the hell have I become? This gifted, talented soul, now broke and I his parents basement at 49, exhausted and in pain...so mich so that I've past being able to cry...I'm numb. I know others reading this can relate, but goddamnit I feel so alone in this...and the end that might be in sight is so far off, I can't even see the tip of it.
I hurt......I too am frozen.