frozen

[Powerpac7]

Dear Dan , and all of you others
Thank you for your words of encouragement. It remains the most difficult of times and the holidays approaching are not helping. I've fallen back into a pattern of binge eating followed by 2hours of agreesive cardio in the gym to try and undo the damage. It's a cycle of feeling good Witt the food followed by working off the guilt and loathing.

Dan, thank you for the ETC info. Oddly, I'm not at all nervous about the prospect. Even more though , it likely is the only time any family might sit up and take notice that I'm in hospital at that point and something tangible and physical makes sense.

My siblings have quite literally checked put of my life, some live within 5 miles, others further. I've been in my parents basement for three months now and no one has so much has asked to speak to me and say "how are you?" yet Christmas time is the time for those fake visits where people have to pretend there is a relationship. Right now, as cowardly as it may sound, I don't have it in me to fake it. My mother has become a drama queen, clutching her neck and usuing her mantra "your going to give me a nervous breakdown!" I can't make the Walton's Christmas come to life for my mother. I keep pleading with her to give me the one shred of dignity I have left after loosing everything, and allow me to gracefully decline any invitations and visits im not up for, I'm 49 fucking years old, in crises, and the biggest deal to some family members is that I sit there and fake enjoying a non existent relationship for the sake of making them comfortable.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to cope with this. My sister, a once closest sibling has informed her kids, my nephew and niece to carefull monitor the time they spend with there "unwell" uncle, well, it seems right then, to meet that decree half way and say "let me make this easier...the unwell uncle doesn't want to spend time with you!". And the I glance over at my mother, poised for the nervous breakdown that never comes, and I think...this is all my fault....and I grab food, and hide in my room.

Who am I? What the hell have I become? This gifted, talented soul, now broke and I his parents basement at 49, exhausted and in pain...so mich so that I've past being able to cry...I'm numb. I know others reading this can relate, but goddamnit I feel so alone in this...and the end that might be in sight is so far off, I can't even see the tip of it.

I hurt......I too am frozen.

[dare i say it]

PowerPac,

I feel like my words may fail to convey the depth of what I'm feeling now. I have lived through depression that reached a crisis level. There is nothing you could say that would shock me. I hope that doesn't sound unsympathetic. In fact, it's just the opposite. You mentioned that you're in a crisis. From what I can tell as a non-expert, I agree. I could tell you all about what it was like for me, and I will if you think it would help. Myself and others are always here to listen and not judge if you need to get something off your chest. No need to apologize for ranting. I'll never tell you to "get over yourself." I'll never think that about you, and neither would anyone else who's been in your shoes. I just got back into therapy and I had almost forgotten what it was like to speak openly, face-to-face with someone who just listened to me without judging, consoled me, and offered some real hope that my life could get better. This forum was probably the most important stepping stone that got me to pick up the phone and call that therapist. Please be good to yourself. I think I can speak for others in this forum when I say I care about you and I'll be rooting for you as you pull out of this very dark place.

Dan

[Powerpac7]

thank you for your words and support Dan. I feel obliged to say (and out of respect to Paul who gave us this gift) that I recognize that this is not a replacement for medical help. I don't want my words of crises to come off sounding like a depressed Internet freak making passive aggressive outburst so on a website form. I am meeting with a GP who is trying to fast track me as much as the system will allow to find a phyc. doctor., and from there, perhaps ECT. it helps to use this as a place to reach out instead of my journals which isolate further sometimes.

I woke up screaming in my sleep in anger last night at a family member in my dreams. When the cork comes off this bottle it is going to be explosive and I simply have run home to a roof over my head and no emotional support. I have to balance what I am going through with Christmas and the ficked up issues around the holidays, and not pushing my 88 year old parents to destruction. In the former days, when I was a six figure a year actor I would go on a vacation, and while it didn't solve anything, it got me away from some stressful action. That can't happen now, and perhaps I. Years to dome, should I make it, I'll look back and see it as a hard gift to accept of not having those kinds of runaway options, and forced to find my footing in another way. Bit for now I'm pissed off at god and the universe for an experience I don't feel ready or capable of handling. The phone rings here at least a half dozen times a day from siblings calling to see how our parents are...while I'm happy that we all have their well being in mind, three months into this and not once has anyone said that they'd like to speak to me and simply say "how are you. You've been through a lot, is there anything you need?". I would simply reply "just to k ow you care, and some compassion would help" that's a fantasy...not a reality. The youngest of seven and I feel like I'm an only child. No one knows what to do with the mentally ill gay dude. That sucks.
I

[manuel_moe_g]

Hi Powerpac7,

I read what you wrote, you are in a much more difficult situation than I have ever been, so my speaking from my autobiography will probably sound lame and be much less than you deserve. I honor your pain, and I tell you don't deserve it and I understand if you say it is too much for you to bear.

Your relatives are being cruel, probably not intentionally, if they knew better they would do better.

One time I checked myself in a motel, just for a night, just to get away from sounds.

Sometimes I do paperwork and personal journal work and life planning at a cubical at the library, again do enjoy peaceful isolation.

I pray you have a place to go for a small amount of acceptance and camaraderie.

Honor your anger, you deserve to be angry. Luxuriate in your anger, feel it through your whole body. Your body is trying to prompt you to take loving action, and give you motivation. Please feel deep anger through your whole body for no more than 10 minutes, rest a bit, rise with motivation to take loving action toward yourself. Anger is not incompatible with taking loving action for yourself, if you really honor and experience fully that anger and get a signal and the motivation your body and soul is trying to give you.

Please take care, you deserve better than my help, but you have my hope and prayers. We are cheering for you, you deserve to have your spirit lifted.

[Powerpac7]

Thank you Moe, Dan and others
I try a little harder every day to get myself out of this. It's tough to get my head around feeling anger for only brief bits during the day. I don't explode in public, or with strangers, just explosive around the house. I've already made clear to my folks that it has nothing to do with them. These are not enviable circumstances in which I find myself and that fuels my anger. As for siblings: all I can say is that it is easier to do nothing than offer support when one doesn't understand why a person like me would need support if I brought all this on myself, which is, sadly their view. All I want to say to them is "when you go through a tough time, and you WILL go through a tough time, I wish you a better friend than you've been to me."

On another front - I could use with some feedback here.

Terrified as I am, I have a crack at a job interview for something part-time but with full benefits and a paid training session away from the town that I'm in. Hotel, travel and per dieum for a month while training. Employment is contingent on my passing the training, as well as a security check, and a physical. I'm in excellent physical condition, no security issues, but here is my question. When asked to see a company doctor for a physical, does one have to divulge information on mental health issues. I suppose if security checks (a 16 page application) asks a similar question...what does one say. Is it lying to say no depression diagnosis? I was one night in emergency once because a friend was concerned I'd hurt myself. It was embarrassing and humiliating because I was taken by police, and I have no idea if that information is accessible during a security check.

I don't know how to reply without causing "concern".

All this is new for me. People in the entertainment industry are assumed crazy and in fact, they'd likely look at you strangely if you didn't have issues. Auditions don't come with physicals and security checks. I feel ill knowing that I'm walking away from the life I've known for 25 years and entertaining the idea of a "Joe Job", but I have to do something, even if I fail.

My anxiety levels go through the roof when training on computers and such. Oddly, the one fear most "normal" people have...getting up in front of crowds and entertaining, is as stressful as brushing my teeth. But having to learn codes and things, and being tested on them, terrifies me.

But I suppose my main question to you all who've have gone through the process of dealing with depression is: what is an employee candidates responsibility when it comes to divulging mental health issues?

[dare i say it]

I do know that there are generally things that are illegal to ask a candidate during the hiring process. For example, I believe it's illegal to ask a female interviewee if she has plans to become pregnant. I wish I had more of a legal background so i could give you some definite answers. If no one else here can speak with authority on this issue, you might consider googling HIPAA. I guess I'm assuming you live in the US. I'm almost positive that the HIPAA law addresses your concerns. When you get an answer, I bet a lot of other people in the forum would be interested to know what you found out.

Dan

[dare i say it]

Okay, so curiosity got the best of me and I just had to know. This is what I found out from a lawyer. The internet can be such a beautiful thing! [The usual disclaimer applies, sorry: Laws vary from state to state. This was given to me as general advice, and is not a substitute for actual legal counsel or whatever.]


Q: If I'm applying for a job and part of the process is to undergo a physical, how honest do I have to be about my medical history? Should I assume that my future employer will know everything I tell the doctor? Are there any special concerns in the law when it comes to mental health?

A: If your future employer is paying for the physical or if it is being paid through an employee health plan of any kind, you can expect that your employer will have access to the information. However, if you are just going to your own doctor for a physical, getting a report and providing the report to the prospective employer, nothing that is not written in the report you hand the employer will be known to him. Since it is a physical that is being required, there will be no mental assessment conducted, and your mental health issues will all remain private.


Q: What questions are not supposed to be asked by an employer in a job application or in an interview?

A: The following list is a list of subject matter that is widely regarded as off-limits for discussion in an application or interview. Most of these subjects relate directly to federal and state employment laws.
In an interview, or on an employment application, do not ask questions:
• Concerning the age of the candidate. Be careful using the words over qualified with older candidates.
• About their arrest record (this is different from convictions - in most states, it is permissible to ask if the candidate has ever been convicted of a crime).
• About race or ethnicity.
• Concerning the candidate's citizenship of the U.S. prior to hiring (It is permissible to ask "Will you be able to provide proof of eligibility to work in the U.S. if hired?")
• Concerning the candidate's ancestry, birthplace, or native language (it is permissible to ask about their ability to speak English or a foreign language if required for the job).
• About religion or religious customs or holidays.
• Concerning the candidate's height and weight if it does not affect their ability to perform the job.
• Concerning the names and addresses of relatives (only those relatives employed by the organization are permitted).
• About whether or not the candidate owns or rents his/her home and who lives with them. (Asking for their address for future contact is acceptable.)
• Concerning the candidate's credit history or financial situation. In some cases, credit history may be considered job-related, but proceed with extreme caution.
• Concerning education or training that is not required to perform the job.
• Concerning their sex or gender. Avoid any language or behavior that may be found inappropriate by the candidate. It's his/her standard of conduct that must be met.
• Concerning pregnancy or medical history. Attendance records at a previous employer may be discussed in most situations as long as you don't refer to illness or disability.
• Concerning the candidate's family or marital status or childcare arrangements (it is permissible to if the candidate will be able to work the required hours for the job).
• Concerning the candidate's membership in a non-professional organization or club that is not related to the job.
• Concerning physical or mental disabilities (asking whether the candidate can perform the essential job duties is permitted). The ADA allows you to ask the applicant to describe or demonstrate how they would perform an essential function(s) when certain specific conditions are met . Check the law or consult with an attorney before moving forward.

[Powerpac7]

Thanks for this. I am not in the US so will have to investigate law in my country. However, the employer is paying for the exam, so this doesn't look promising if "big brother" makes available any disclosure of depression.