Episode 35: Karma

[manuel_moe_g]

I found Episode 35 with Karma and Episode 30 with Kulap Vilaysack so touching and sad because they spoke about a colossal violation in the duty of parents (esp. mothers) to their child.

The nicest part of the Karma interview was when she spoke about all the sources of support she uncovered as soon as she asked people for support and was honest with the people around her. So nice to have a friendship, and then have that friendship transcend into something so meaningful at the exact time you need help the most.

[mxwhtv]

As a survivor of sexual abuse as a child, I really empathise with Karma's comments about not realizing her experiences were so horrific until she saw it reflected on that cop turned therapist's face. I have to say, it has been the reflection of sorrow and pain in the face of observers that tells me how i ought to be feeling and what emotions I usually still suppress in an effort to maintain what I now realize is a not entirely necessary sense of control and strength. I do lose it in private moments or in rare instances of sharing, but I chastise myself to get over it and move on. I wrote this little ditty as an ode to my commitment not to wallow while serving time for a crime i committed out of desperation at the age of 18.

To my dismay I cried today
My will gave in to sorrow
My grief thus spent, I now repent
and I'll be strong tomorrow!

I imagine others can attest to the fact that it is often easier to be stoic and controlled in the ABSENCE of sympathizers which is why (especially after the first instance where the atrocity of our situation is acknowledged by another) we all so often hide our issues but the pain - left unaddressed- festers and ill aimed strength can be a detriment. It still takes me a very long time to openly express when I am hurting; I feel responsible and guilty for the pain it seems to cause those I share with or conversely I get frustrated with friends who either back off or give advice that does me no good, so what was the point? but I'm working on that.

Thanks to Karma for sharing!

[manuel_moe_g]

It still takes me a very long time to openly express when I am hurting; I feel responsible and guilty for the pain it seems to cause those I share with or conversely I get frustrated with friends who either back off or give advice that does me no good, so what was the point? but I'm working on that.

Frankly, opening up and having people reveal they cannot handle it or cannot help is nice because those jackasses reveal themselves and you can stop wasting time with their company.

I am probably too bitter and too impatient, but I just don't have any time for people who are worthless in a time of intense and honest feelings.

I am not confident in my ability to emotionally release - for so long my weepy part of myself was attached to a little boy who cried when things seemed unfair and who cried out of a sense of self-entitlement. But thinking about unfairness and thinking about self-entitlement was going to get me killed because it kept me from developing my capability and improving my situation. So I had to kill that little boy before those feelings led to me killing myself - I did to that little boy what Jack the Ripper did to London prostitutes. But that little boy controlled my tears, so I lost the ability to cry. I think I am too cynical now - I feel it that the world is really monstrous and delights in the pain and the destruction of good. So one must be Stoic in the face of a disgusting world. I probably traded one kind of self-absorption with another kind, if I would volunteer in charities I would perceive a community of good people.

Err, I got off topic.

[Sufilizard]

You're good Paul!

As I was listening to your episode with Karma, I was noticing how much of what she felt before she got help was similar to what I feel. Of course I was never physically or sexually abused or been through anything as rough as it sounds like she went through. So of course I started feeling like such a pathetic, worthless piece of shit for feeling this bad when my situation hasn't been nearly as hard.

But shortly after I started having those thoughts, you commented that some of us might be thinking that. You're good. But of course, I'm sure you meant people who didn't have it as bad as Karma, but still much worse than me.

So I didn't completely rid myself of those thoughts, but at least you took a little wind out of their sails.

Thanks!

[manuel_moe_g]

But shortly after I started having those thoughts, you commented that some of us might be thinking that. You're good. But of course, I'm sure you meant people who didn't have it as bad as Karma, but still much worse than me.

Sufilizard, it is not a competition!

I feel like you do too, Sufilizard. For how bad I feel there is not something dramatic to point to in my past as a cause. But depression and other mental illnesses can be organic, so the severity of the symptoms is not expected to match external causes.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Sufilizard,

I mean people just like you. Don't minimize your feelings. And like Manuel said, "this isn't a competition". It took me years to have compassion for myself because my story wasn't "dramatic enough". The moment I decided to treat how I felt seriously, something began to heal inside me. It sounds cheesy, but I felt like I was holding the hand of the 10 year-old me. And ALL kinds of pent-up emotion came flooding out. Lots of tears. Good tears. And I felt so much more peaceful and relaxed afterwards.

If a little kid was terrified by thunder would you not comfort him because you knew the thunder wasn't going to hurt him? No. You would comfort him because how he is feeling is the issue, way more than what is causing the feeling.

Paul

[dare i say it]

Of course I was never physically or sexually abused or been through anything as rough as it sounds like [Karma} went through. So of course I started feeling like such a pathetic, worthless piece of shit for feeling this bad when my situation hasn't been nearly as hard.

I'm in that same boat. I like what Paul said about not minimizing our feelings. If I told you my story and left out the part about how I felt all those years, you would think I had a charmed life. But I know there are other people out there who are like I used to be who don't feel quite right and don't know why. Please take Paul's advice and take your feelings seriously. You don't have to know why there's a battle going on in your head. Taking a hard look at how I was feeling and thinking and acting was uncomfortable at first for a number of reasons. And changing those things is hard work, but when I stick with it the investment pays off 10-fold!

I should mention that I have tremendous empathy for anyone who has lived through abuse or had any really messed up things done to them. I am so sorry those things happened to you. I don't want to in any way invalidate or minimize the pain of that experience for you.