frozen

[snowflake]

its a little strange, introducing myself, i dont speak much anymore, a few weeks ago i felt so terrified i was the last human (or maybe alien is a better word to describe how isolated i feel, watching cabs and kids and people in sad suits running no where for reasons i have long forgotten), hiding in my bedroom, not sure what will happen to my most beloved dog, if i turn on gas (sorry i always had a morbid obsession w sylvia plath), my dog kissed me, and i am trying to fight, i am trying so terribly hard, even if only for her... but feel so lost.

A few months ago, i woke up, the skies were almost pitch black, though all i knew was i have a suffocating feeling i was in the wrong universe. i had no idea how i ended up here, fucked up my life so badly, and i am trying to sleep my way back, but fear it just keeps getting further and further away, or i am turning into a ghost whenever i look the mirror.

i was never one of those simple happy girls, but, i always had this inexplicable hope... i am so scared, on my best moments, but most of the time just numb, praying for an earthquake, car crash, anything...

can anyone honestly tell me they managed to crawl out of this dreary well? would you even want to, if u have seen cruelty you never imagine was possible?


and my favorite quote, might explain what i fail to...its really beautiful and willl make up for my ramblings:





— I took perhaps fifty steps down the sidewalk, and then I stopped.

I froze.

It was not guilt that froze me. I had taught myself never to feel guilt.

It was not a ghastly sense of loss that froze me. I had taught myself to covet nothing.

It was not a loathing of death that froze me. I had taught myself to think of death as a friend.

It was not heartbroken rage against injustice that froze me. I had taught myself that a human being might as well look for diamond tiaras in the gutter as for rewards and punishments that were fair.

It was not the thought that I was so unloved that froze me. I had taught myself to do without love.

It was not the thought that God was cruel that froze me. I had taught myself never to expect anything from Him.

What froze me was the fact that I had absolutely no reason to move in any direction. What had made me move through so many dead and pointless years was curiosity.

Now even that had flickered out.

How long I stood frozen there, I cannot say. If I was ever going to move again, someone else was going to have to furnish the reason for moving.

Somebody did.

A policeman watched me for a while, and then he came over to me and he said, “You all right?”

“Yes,” I said.

“You’ve been standing here a long time,” he said.

“I know,” I said.

“You waiting for somebody?” he said.

“No,” I said.

“Better move on, don’t you think?” he said.

“Yes, sir,” I said.

And I moved on.

-motheR night/Kurt Vonnegut

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[frogspit]

I understand, I can feel your suffering through your words and I ache to lend you a hand, to pull you out of the well. People do find their way out,
sometimes just to topple again yet the next time they don't fall so far and even less far the next until you eventually learn to side step the damn well in the first place.
Are you working? Do you eat? Are you on medication? Yes, you dog will never forgive you and will die a horrible death at your side so stay out of the kitchen if you must but leave the damn stove alone! Write some more of how you are feeling, It will help! I realy am not much for telling people what to do but know that I hear you and you are not alone!

[manuel_moe_g]

Keep living for your dog. You could do worse! There is a reason we have 10,000 years of shared evolution with dogs, you can share all the wordless experiences of companionship and love and security. I am 15 years past the total breakdown of my identity because of depression and anxiety. Play with the idea of not ending early until 15 years out from now. I like the picture you chose a lot, it is peaceful. Please take care, all the best.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I encourage you to get help from a professional. A psychiatrist, psychologist or a social worker. Please give your depression the attention it deserves. I know its hard. That's the Catch 22 of depression. We get so low we don't feel like doing anything to get out of our low. And our low tells us that our low is reality. But trust me, our lows are not reality. How we feel may be real, but the thoughts we think about it: I will never get better, nobody loves me, life has nothing to offer, nobody understands, are lies that our sickness tells us. And yes, I have felt hopeless, suicidal, sad and alone. I'm glad I listened to my wife who encouraged me to get help. If I had listened only to my warped brain, I would probably have taken my life. Hang in there. You are most definitely not alone!

Paul

[snowflake]

i have tried, probably seen over 30 useless specialist in my short life, most anti depressants (my first day on prozac was magical! but now i get horrible headaches and cant take them) ; meditation was the most helpful thing for me, as well as a few books ( i think you mentioned Man's Search for Meaning, which puts everything in perspective and i also loved some of irving yaloms books- and his approach of healing through reading) , and the dog, obviously.

so im really sorry and thankful for ppl taking the time, and manuel, you deserve a really big sparkly medal for fighting this for 15 years, i can barely last a day. i hope you never hurt again. if i could help, in any way, let me know.

[manuel_moe_g]

my first day on prozac was magical! but now i get horrible headaches and cant take them

Yeah, prozac was magical for me at the beginning. I don't get headaches, but I learned my body/mind eventually neutralizes everything that might change my mood for the better - my dosage is large and the impact on my mood is very very small. I remember taking a mega-dose of lithium and when they would do a blood test, they could only find a trace amount in my bloodstream - my body must be very excitied and efficient at breaking down any meds that could change my mood for the better - thanks body!

probably seen over 30 useless specialist in my short life

I must say I am with you - I am extremely prejudiced against working to find a good mental health professional. I may try again later in life, but my social anxiety makes the interaction very stressful, and if it doesn't pan out, I am so depressed from the disappointment.

for fighting this for 15 years, i can barely last a day. i hope you never hurt again.

I hurt all the time. I have a lot of strategies for coping now. I am in a major depressive episode right now, I can feel it, but I am very happy that I still am able to stay a little productive and not break down and back-slide. Every day is like climbing a rope, and I am so tired, but now my arms automatically prevent me from letting go. I know it is not encouraging sounding, but the truth is you are a lot closer to accomplishment and satisfaction than you think, once you throw away society's idea of accomplishment and satisfaction. I beg you, don't take years to draw out a break-down, and don't take 15 years to discount or ignore a very real chance for accomplishment and satisfaction.

Please take care, all the best, give your dog a hug and kiss from me!

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello again Snowflake,

Irvin D. Yalom's The Schopenhauer Cure looks amazing, have you read it? what is it like?

[frogspit]

[size=150]Snowflake

If you are checking back in to the site please comment and let us know you hanging on!

Amy[/size]

[snowflake]

If you are checking back in to the site please comment and let us know you hanging on!

still here, unless we are all in hell, so sweet of you to ask.

[snowflake]

Irvin D. Yalom's The Schopenhauer Cure looks amazing, have you read it? what is it like?

it was actually really profound yet emjoyable, i got very attached to this horrible character, and learned a lot about responsibility. cried all over the place, off course.

God, i wish i could hug you, can i do anything?

sometimes its hard to read and i have many amazing or just amusing audiobooks... I will be glad yo send you (anyine) anything if u wish. and btw, i think i've wasted way more than 15 years. but when i was younger and thought it made me so special and creative being so tragic. perhaps i need to sue Morrissey?


kisses, my dog cat sends all her love (here she is:http://misssnowflake.tumblr.com/post/8034225704)