its a little strange, introducing myself, i dont speak much anymore, a few weeks ago i felt so terrified i was the last human (or maybe alien is a better word to describe how isolated i feel, watching cabs and kids and people in sad suits running no where for reasons i have long forgotten), hiding in my bedroom, not sure what will happen to my most beloved dog, if i turn on gas (sorry i always had a morbid obsession w sylvia plath), my dog kissed me, and i am trying to fight, i am trying so terribly hard, even if only for her... but feel so lost.
A few months ago, i woke up, the skies were almost pitch black, though all i knew was i have a suffocating feeling i was in the wrong universe. i had no idea how i ended up here, fucked up my life so badly, and i am trying to sleep my way back, but fear it just keeps getting further and further away, or i am turning into a ghost whenever i look the mirror.
i was never one of those simple happy girls, but, i always had this inexplicable hope... i am so scared, on my best moments, but most of the time just numb, praying for an earthquake, car crash, anything...
can anyone honestly tell me they managed to crawl out of this dreary well? would you even want to, if u have seen cruelty you never imagine was possible?
and my favorite quote, might explain what i fail to...its really beautiful and willl make up for my ramblings:
— I took perhaps fifty steps down the sidewalk, and then I stopped.
It was not guilt that froze me. I had taught myself never to feel guilt.
It was not a ghastly sense of loss that froze me. I had taught myself to covet nothing.
It was not a loathing of death that froze me. I had taught myself to think of death as a friend.
It was not heartbroken rage against injustice that froze me. I had taught myself that a human being might as well look for diamond tiaras in the gutter as for rewards and punishments that were fair.
It was not the thought that I was so unloved that froze me. I had taught myself to do without love.
It was not the thought that God was cruel that froze me. I had taught myself never to expect anything from Him.
What froze me was the fact that I had absolutely no reason to move in any direction. What had made me move through so many dead and pointless years was curiosity.
Now even that had flickered out.
How long I stood frozen there, I cannot say. If I was ever going to move again, someone else was going to have to furnish the reason for moving.
A policeman watched me for a while, and then he came over to me and he said, “You all right?”
“Yes,” I said.
“You’ve been standing here a long time,” he said.
“I know,” I said.
“You waiting for somebody?” he said.
“No,” I said.
“Better move on, don’t you think?” he said.
“Yes, sir,” I said.
And I moved on.
-motheR night/Kurt Vonnegut