new here but not new to benzos....

[joliecrzy]

Just saying hello, hoping somehow this forum will help me deal with not only having my life ruined by benzos, but to get through it and off of them once and for all.. i dont know if i can do it, I ve tried it many times before. It started with a panic attack 14 years ago, i was 23,, 3 children later, much of their childhoods i dont recall, every vacation, holiday etc, was ruined because i was so dependent on klonopin. I taught school for 9 years, after which i couldnt anymore. I somehow have managed to stay married to the same wonderful man, i dontknow how he has put up with all my ups and downs and so much more for this long...Im sick to death of being dependent, something i never ever knew , didnt know it would be like this, the years have been a pure nightmare and i live with the guilt of being a bad mom and wife, when i quit work i lost my car, my husbands boat, everything almost....I am at the point to where im sick of it, ive had my days when i thought they would be better off without me. many days. Im at a really low point right now. mainly because as usualy im running out early and already freaking out about it. I know there are pple who feel like me, i just need to talk to them. How wonderful would it be to go to a Dr. that knew first hand how it felt to run out, or go through withdrawals.....how wonderful....that would be a good Dr.... well thats pretty much my past 14 yrs summed up...Hell........thanks for listening

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello joliecrzy, welcome to the forum!

I don't have any advice to give, but I wanted you to know I read you posting, and I honor your pain, and I want you to know that you don't deserve this suffering. There are people who have been in your situation, and got out of it to a life of fulfillment.

I wish I had some first-hand experience about dependency. Please trust that the people in your life can see worth in you that you cannot see, because the depression is hiding it from you.

Please take care, we here are all cheering for you and cheering you on towards your greatest today and tomorrow!

[joliecrzy]

Thank You, that means a LOT!!

[isle]

Hey joliecrzy, I'm truly sorry for the hell you've been through. First and foremost, please find a doctor or therapist to talk to. You mentioned suicidal ideations. You are fortunate enough to have a husband who has stood by you and children who love you. You must think of them and anyone else who you feel loves you when you have these thoughts. It's not an option. You can and will get through this.Is there any way you can go to rehab or even outpatient classes? About 10 years ago, I also suffered panic attacks and my depression got so bad I developed acute anxiety disorder, and finally crippling social anxiety. I was in sales, so if I didn't get a grip on my condition, I knew I'd have to quit. The doc started me on Klonopin. I took it and 20 min later I had all the confidence in the world. Now 10 years later, I, like you, have extreme memory loss. I have taken my Klonopin as directed, but I'm addicted. My doc says I'm dependant. I say what the hell is the difference when I'm too depressed to go to the pharmacy, run out of the evil little pills and go through horrific withdrawl. I know how it feels. Nobody should have to feel the way we have. I have gone down from 3mg to 2. My advice to you if you can't get into a rehab is to buy a pill cutter and wean yourself off as slowly as possible. Have your husband hold your pills and administer them to you each day. It WILL be hell. But other people have gone through it and come out the other end in one piece, happy and healthy. Try to get an anti seizure med from your doc to be safe. You have regrets from the past, believe me so do I, and they can eat a person up. But they're useless. All we have is the here and now. You lived without benzos before, and you will again. For what it's worth, I'm here for you too, rooting for you. We deserve peace and happiness. Dig deep in your soul, you'll find strength.