the crazy redhead

[fifthsonata]

I had a nice introduction typed out, but fear of going too far got the best of me.


I have a wonderful nickname of "the crazy redhead," which I'm not sure how I came to acquire such a...seemingly harmless, yet accurate....moniker. I don't act out in public, but perhaps it's my "brainiac" persona coupled with my childlike sense of entertainment....that makes me seem a bit "off." Oddly enough this has followed me, no matter where I have lived - I've moved quite often in the last 10 years.



I have listened to several of Paul's podcasts, and his most recent ones made me decide to join the community. I've struggled so long with depression and other illnesses the past 10 years that I have come to completely socially isolate myself, and it's gone on so long that I literally have no one left. When Paul opened up in his latest podcast, discussing how he let people in, asking for help and letting people who love him....just...LOVE him.....it's one of my biggest fears. It baffled me....I remember thinking...."...but, HOW....how do you ask? how do you accept it?"



So, here I am. Hello.

[Lady]

Hi there *waves* I'm new here myself. A brainiac persona with a childlike sense of entertainment, my god it's like you are describing me. Except the red hair dye has grown out and I'm back to being a crazy brunette *LOL*

Sorry to read that your fears held you back from sharing too much. I know the feeling but do hope you mange to post a bit more sometime soon. As for how you let people just love you, dearest god that is a million dollar question. I think one part of it is finding a place where you truthfully believe that if you open yourself up you will either be loved or hurt and then you extrapolate that further and figure out how to make the desire to be loved and feel loved outweigh the risk of being hurt.

I know...it's more like saying tell the sun to stop shining so it is probably the least practical advice ever but it is the only thing that allows me to feel the love of my friends when they give it. I have to give up previous hurts and betrayals and let each person start with a blank slate each day.

I don't mean to go on and on but some people I really trust have developed a new mantra (from a seminar thing they were going to) and that is that everyone on planet earth is doing the best they can at all times. That's not to say that there is no right or wrong, the parent that is so fearful of their child failing that they beat them to get better grades par example, is wrong. However, people cannot help but try to get through the world living in the highest quality of life available to them.

So thanks for doing your best at all times and I do so hope you can feel that way about others. Welcome

[fifthsonata]

Thank you, Lady. I like knowing there is hope for positive interaction in the "real world," but man....I've forgotten how to trust I guess.

[doccess]

Hi ladies,
i just couldn't help but jump in. First I need to welcome both of you. I'm pretty new here too - only posted a couple of times - but it's such a wonderful thing to go looking for acceptance and compassion and finally find it and realize that there are so many people out there that are some much like you. So far what I know for sure is that this is a safe place and if this feels like where you need to be, it is Forgive me, I might be babbling. But that "brainiac/childlike" thing, yeah, that's a unique and interesting way to live, isn't it?
It's strange, though, isn't it that we can all say "yeah, I'm pretty unique" and not love ourselves fully for that uniqueness? And Lady, you could not be more right about everyone doing their best, it's literally ALL we can do, right?
I guess that's about all I needed to say, that and be kind to yourselves and give yourselves a break. You're beautiful and unique and the universe if blessed to have you.. and so are we!

[fifthsonata]

Wonderful


I used to teach general music courses when I was in grad school, and when my students needed me outside office hours they'd frequently find me outside, up a tree, just hanging out.


It's nice to know I'm not the only one!


I want so badly to believe people try the best they can. The motives of people in my past were hidden under the guise of "doing their best," I guess, and now I can't see past it.

How do you guys do it?

[Lady]

First of all and go with me on this because I protested too when i heard it but the longer i sat with it the more it worked out....those people who hurt you under the guise of doing the best they could....I'll put to you that they were doing the best they could. Their best was probably super hurtful and utter shite (Lord knows this applies to many people in my life) and maybe manipulative but what if it really was at that moment in time the best they could do.

Now how do I go on letting people in...after my ex roommate hurt me (long story...sordid details...don't want to clutter things but I'll tell you if you want to know later) I thought well I have been a fucking moron. I cannot believe I didn't see how badly she was using me for all the years I thought we were friends. I will never allow myself to be so deceived and hurt ever again. So I got a dog and stayed to myself. Sure I talked to other grad students in class but I didn't invite them out and they didn't invite me out. I assumed that like the people I thought were my friends in high school that they were all close to one another and hanging out on the weekends and no one was thinking about me alone in my apartment with my dog and that was fine because I wasn't going to be hurt. (holy shit this is getting long...I'm sorry) Well eventually I was invited out for two functions...a joint birthday party for me and another girl who I thought was more popular and a movie screening party (cinema kids know how to roll) but I was still quiet, cold and standoffish. I grew close to some people online b/c heck those people are online...they can't hurt you when they may not even exist. I only bothered to actually meet one of them and we got on well enough but we certainly couldn't live in the same town without killing each other. Well the moment where I learned to try to let people in came when my thesis chair basically screwed me over holding my thesis until the almost last possible deadline and telling me that she actually wasn't working on editing it at all in that time...so I did like any mature person would do and bitched about it on facebook. I was looking to pay $600 proofreading to meet my deadline because of someone elses negligence, people were hurting me without being my friend!! All of a sudden my phone got a text...it was one of the girls in my program saying she was on a business trip for work but she thought she could copy edit my thesis in 24 so send it to her. She copy edited 70 pages of grammatical nightmare I am sure despite being on a business trip in less than 12 hours...for free and would not accept payment.

How could someone who barely knew me be so kind? So I decided...fuck it. Maybe I will be hurt repeatedly, maybe I will be used and abused and treated horribly but may just maybe if I let people in...they would love me. Since then I have been absolutely overwhelmed by how many people actually do love me and have grown close to me. In January this year I showed up in Dallas TX having never set foot there in my life and I had people arguing over who I was going to stay with, begging me to move closer to them, offering to let me stay in their guest room while looking for a job, etc. if life ended in my hurt...i would never get to know the joy. Holy shit it took a long time to get there as I was bullied like mad all through school and thought my roommate was my first true best friend...but the love I have been given back just since last June alone is amazing.

[Lady]

Holy crouton o Christ that is a long entry..here's the TL;DR version...

I learned that protecting myself from being hurt meant that I was also protecting myself from being loved and decided to take a chance on being loved even if that meant it came with a ton of hurt. And blessedly since that decision the love has far outweighed the hurt.


Sorry for the massive diatribe...I get lost in my words sometimes.

[manuel_moe_g]

I learned that protecting myself from being hurt meant that I was also protecting myself from being loved and decided to take a chance on being loved even if that meant it came with a ton of hurt. And blessedly since that decision the love has far outweighed the hurt.

This is awesome. Well put! Happy to have you around the forum, Classy Lady!

[fifthsonata]

Thank you. I hope one day I can have the nerve to do it again.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Fifthsonata,
Welcome to the forum. And Lady, beautiful and inspiring story. Well put. I was just replying to Bonnie, the Welsh woman about this very thing. And I said this: When our pain or anxiety gets bad, we naturally want to pull away. I do it all the time. Fortunately, I have let friends get to know me, and they'll check up on me when I'm trying to hide. Those friends I never found at a bar, I found them at support groups that I attend several times a week. A therapist would probably help, especially with leading you to a support group that will build that network of like-minded friends.

And I would add: If you can find it through your profession or hobby that's great too, but I find support group to be the easiest place for pretense to disappear because everybody has already admitted they need help, just by being there. The ice has been broken.

Paul