roommate or not to roommate, that is the question

[cyanidebreathmint]

Hi all,

So lately I have been struggling with what to do in terms of my living situation.

The basic breakdown is this:

In fall of 2010, I moved in with people. I did this because I was increasingly unstable emotionally and depressed and having panic attacks, and I knew that living alone was bad for this because my choice of coping was to succumb to incredible mood swings, not sleep and drink a ton of booze to try and flatten out. Living with people forces me to behave a bit better, and I think others help you keep moods in check to some extent. I think people are good medicine, in other words.

So now it's 2012. I haven't really built a life, I'm not happy with where I am, but I've been in therapy since January.

So I've got 4 months of therapy under my belt, 16 hours, and my lease is up in one month.

I'm unsure of whether I should really live alone. This year I became incredibly depressed and suicidal, right around the October-January period. This happened, surprisingly to me, even when I had roommates and people around me. At the time, I had two major reasons to not go through with the self harm thoughts, one being my brother and two being that I was responsible for 1/3 of the rent. (sorry if this is horrible or triggering to someone...)

I kind of fear losing any of that list, since it is quite short.

I guess I'm asking for experience. I've never gone quite this deep with depression and come out and had to think of what to do now. I'm not on meds for it, I'm trying to manage with life choices and therapy. But I can't really figure what's right in this scenario.

I want to move out because:
1) I want space, and alone time
2) If I feel lonely when I'm alone, there's a good reason for it. If I feel lonely with people around, somehow it seems worse to me.
3) I want to study for, apply to and attend grad school this year and need a quiet place to study (drinky roommates right now)
4) I am constantly distracted regardless of what the other people are doing, if there are other people in the house. (hypervigilance)
5) My roommates are getting married, and it seems pitiful for me to remain a 3rd wheel
6) I can become intensely irritated by them sometimes, naturally I think...cuz this would happen with anyone after long enough

I want to stay with roomies because
1) love em
2) i'm super broke
3) don't know if i can weather that deep depression all alone in an empty apartment

Does anyone have advice?

Thanks...!

[manuel_moe_g]

don't know if i can weather that deep depression all alone in an empty apartment

Don't want to get melodramatic, but this one swamps out all other concerns. All other concerns are negotiable and you can mitigate and adjust and compensate. If a deep depression alone in an empty apartment might mean you not surviving, then that trumps everything.

Get a cheap motel room once in a while to decompress. I did that once, just needed 18 hours without answering phone and with no external pressures - caught up on sleep and wrote in my journal and planned out the next few stressful days, working out healthy reactions to expected triggers and expected emotional assaults. I thought I would need 2 days, but 18 hours did it.

Please take care, all the best, we here are all cheering for you.

[cyanidebreathmint]

Thanks, manuelmoe.

It does seem a bit obvious when you say it that way. And it's not that dramatic, I guess. Facts are facts. I guess I resent needing people the way I do, but it doesn't change that I do.

The motel room idea is a great one. It crosses my mind every once in a while, but I never ever do it. I should, though, because a bit of alone time is sometimes all a person needs. Maybe I just need a day or two alone and not a full year. heh. I might just try it.

[MissingHiker]

I love the hotel idea! FWIW, my vote is actually to live alone, though... IF you can manage it economically. I believe having a Fortress of Solitude is important.

What about maybe living alone and, during times when you want people around, picking up a book or an e-reader and going to a coffee shop? Then you can have some interaction when you are ready, and turn it off and leave when you've had enough. Sometimes I like to eat dinner sitting at the bar, reading a book on my iphone. I get a little social interaction, kind of. Haven't really met anyone, but at the very least, it's a change of scenery.

I found having roommates in college forced me to be "on" at times even when I was weak, and that was mentally fatiguing. And when I get mentally fatigued my mind tends to want to lapse back into the old ways of thinking that I'm trying to reprogram. Policing those thoughts and being mindful in that way takes mental energy, and if I'm in a close-quarters situation where I have to engage with roommates when I'm already drained, brings back the depression and impairs my recovery. I find that today even if I'm at work and around people for too many consecutive hours my thoughts start to turn back and I have trouble managing them in a healthy way... This is all just my two cents.

Leases expiring are a tough time and create anxiety just on their own so I wish you the best of luck with your decision!

[cyanidebreathmint]

I definitely see what you're saying about the benefits of living alone, MissingHiker.

I think, though, that when I'm low, my instincts are the opposite of what's healthy. So, if I'm getting really down, thinking about hurting myself etc., although what I probably need is people, what my instinct will be, and the attendant behavior will be, is holing up inside my apartment. I will definitely not want to go to a public place like a coffee shop. And even though the famous phrase is that sometimes we just have to try and do those things anyway, and even though I believe that, I'm not even sure it will occur to me to do it.

There are a lot of good points, though. One does need one's space for sanity. I am trying to insist I be able to have an office in the new place if I remain with my roommates, because I need a space to be able to work, relax, and not ruin my sleep with making my room a cluttered mess of books and computer etc. I'm hoping that will help the suffocation factor.

[Lady]

The fact that you get along with your roommates really is a key to this. I know that despite my own panic attacks and severe depression with extreme suicidal thoughts at times I can never live with another roommate. Maybe I can get married some day but roommates just strike a nerve that has me on edge. Granted my last roommate stole my cat, used me, popped two out of 4 tires on my car and was a horrendous bitch (even though she had been my best friend for five years and we had lived together for 4).

But if being alone worries you and you have good people around...keep them close. Returning to a roommate situation would be quite hard after leaving. And thanks for opening up about this. I imagine it is an issue for many people and I know it has been one for me in the past.

[manuel_moe_g]

A routine, either a job or volunteering gig, that forces you to interact in a healthy way with people, may be helpful. Even if it is a part-time job not in your desired or optimal career, it will be a responsibility that could prompt you to interact when you feel like it the least, and also another opportunity for people to give you feedback on your mood, and also another opportunity for people to check in with you if you have a temporary break-down.

All the best, cyanidebreathmint!

[MissingHiker]

I like the idea of volunteering, but the only thing that worries me is the use of the word "force." That word just makes me uncomfortable. Just for me, forcing something upon myself creates anxiety. And when I'm anxious, I don't think straight, and I don't do things well, and people can see I'm anxious and then they get anxious.

I've found that if I just put my mind to something, over time, if my mind becomes comfortable with the idea, such as, say, eating alone in a restaurant. Then instead of forcing myself to do it, and being miserable and afterward swearing I would never do it again, just putting the thought there would result in one day having the indescribable feeling that I WANT to do this today, and going and doing it. That's just how I've found my mind works.

I do like your idea of having an office, Cyanide! I think that's a great middle ground, as long as it would be your Fortress of Solitude and when you would be in it your roomates would respect that. Then you would get that extra layer of peace of mind knowing that people are not far away, and they're there if you should need them, and you don't have to be "on" alllll the time.

[cyanidebreathmint]

I work 40hrs a week, and in a depression it really is of no benefit but financial. Volunteering might be better for the psyche. That's an idea. The place I used to volunteer for is disorganized and acts like they are doing you a favor by providing the training necessary to help them so I kind of abandoned the whole thing.

I do get along with my roommates but don't feel better with them around really. I feel extra lonely that I am not connecting with someone sitting right next to me, and usually they couldn't seem more disinterested. This is fine, and my problem, but it is getting old. Still I think I'd be less likely to take drastic measures maybe.

I'm sorry your roommate was so crappy to you, Lady.

[Lady]

Didn't mean to unload...just meant that your depression is not really the only thing at play...how you get on with others will affect your mood too. Sounds like a lot of good advice is coming your way. Hope it works out no matter what you decide.