So lately I have been struggling with what to do in terms of my living situation.
The basic breakdown is this:
In fall of 2010, I moved in with people. I did this because I was increasingly unstable emotionally and depressed and having panic attacks, and I knew that living alone was bad for this because my choice of coping was to succumb to incredible mood swings, not sleep and drink a ton of booze to try and flatten out. Living with people forces me to behave a bit better, and I think others help you keep moods in check to some extent. I think people are good medicine, in other words.
So now it's 2012. I haven't really built a life, I'm not happy with where I am, but I've been in therapy since January.
So I've got 4 months of therapy under my belt, 16 hours, and my lease is up in one month.
I'm unsure of whether I should really live alone. This year I became incredibly depressed and suicidal, right around the October-January period. This happened, surprisingly to me, even when I had roommates and people around me. At the time, I had two major reasons to not go through with the self harm thoughts, one being my brother and two being that I was responsible for 1/3 of the rent. (sorry if this is horrible or triggering to someone...)
I kind of fear losing any of that list, since it is quite short.
I guess I'm asking for experience. I've never gone quite this deep with depression and come out and had to think of what to do now. I'm not on meds for it, I'm trying to manage with life choices and therapy. But I can't really figure what's right in this scenario.
I want to move out because:
1) I want space, and alone time
2) If I feel lonely when I'm alone, there's a good reason for it. If I feel lonely with people around, somehow it seems worse to me.
3) I want to study for, apply to and attend grad school this year and need a quiet place to study (drinky roommates right now)
4) I am constantly distracted regardless of what the other people are doing, if there are other people in the house. (hypervigilance)
5) My roommates are getting married, and it seems pitiful for me to remain a 3rd wheel
6) I can become intensely irritated by them sometimes, naturally I think...cuz this would happen with anyone after long enough
I want to stay with roomies because
1) love em
2) i'm super broke
3) don't know if i can weather that deep depression all alone in an empty apartment
Does anyone have advice?