Need so much intense motivation to accomplish so little!

[manuel_moe_g]

Started filling out paperwork for therapist visit tomorrow at 10am.

Spoke more to daughter last night. Told her that there is nothing she could do to make me give up on her - and that no matter what I was still committed to work with her so when she reaches 35 she can feel that her chances for accomplishment and fulfillment have been maximized, to the best of my ability. Was thinking how much I hate the western idea that at the age of 18 children are on their own - let them be their own people, let them make their own mistakes, but, come on, a lot of maturing happens between the ages of 18 to 25, and a lot of maturing happens between the ages of 25 to 35, and it is absurd for a parent to claim no responsibility. That is my feeling about it.

Arg, managing my mood, indulging myself with self-soothing makes it impossible to hold myself to a high standard! Bleh!

Was thinking what I want out of a professional therapist:

[1] able to perform time management during session: beginning is checking status of what we are working on, and end is planning what I will try to accomplish/work-on before the next session - without rushing and without the clock surprising the therapist

[2] hold me to high standard on what I have good control over, appropriate response to my progress on what I have lesser control over

[3] solution oriented - productive action oriented

[4] no responses from a place of ego - it is such a downer to have to tip-toe around the ego and fragile self-esteem of the therapist

[manuel_moe_g]

Scanned up in the thread, forgot this

[5] is strong and supportive when I am weak

[manuel_moe_g]

[3b] also, if a necessarily step is unlikely to be accomplished, they need the creativity to break that step into sub-steps - so we are left with a sub-step that is likely to be accomplished, and requires no prerequisites and has no reliance on capricious outside forces.

[manuel_moe_g]

paste this "mother-sucker" into Evernote, so I will have it at my fingertips inside my smart-phone

[manuel_moe_g]

Went to therapist session: Anxiety and Depression Center, Newport Beach, CA with Dr. Perry Passaro

http://www.anxietyanddepressioncenter.c ... tm#passaro

$250 per 1 hour session, the wife is livid, I will keep pressing, if wife really puts foot down on payment being too expensive, will figure out some kind of barter system with my mother

I had mixed feelings being professionally diagnosed as being on the autism/asperger's spectrum. I already knew, but it feel weird to be so classified by a therapist who sees so many with autism.

Will go for weekly sessions, I have homework, from Mind Over Mood: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think [Paperback]
Dennis Greenberger, Christine Padesky

http://www.amazon.com/Mind-Over-Mood-Ch ... 0898621283

Also, the therapist told me 300 minutes of aerobic exercise! But I will be firm - I cannot hack pain during exercise, can't do it, can't motivate myself through it, it only makes me give up. If *anything* begins to hurt, I will stop - I am more interested in building the habit of exercise than forcing myself into some kind of "ideal" exercise activity and intensity. Dog walking and mild Pilates, and mild exercise bike activity, 7 days a week, trying for morning and night

Heh, better make sure I have the book "Mind Over Mood", I remember buying it, I may have boxed it up!

[manuel_moe_g]

Therapist said that in much the same way I was burdened by thought "It is not fair that I have to work, I deserve good things to come to me without effort" today I am burdened by the thought that "Bad, stupid, evil, lazy, irresponsible people deserve to be punished with my abuse and rage immediately"

I got rid of the lousy idea "It is not fair that I have to work, I deserve good things to come to me without effort" because it was the prelude to suicide, so now time to get rid of that other bad idea.

I think I will replace with "Moral, mature living requires that I explore an understanding of people who enter my attention - ask a lot of questions, gather data, practice putting myself into their shoes - moral judgement can come, but much later."

So put "Exploration of an understanding of people who enter my attention" first and foremost - all other goals, financial or whatever, follow later.

My wife was pissed that the therapist charged $250 an hour to tell me to exercise regularly, when she have been telling me the exact same thing for free.

[manuel_moe_g]

Going through Mind Over Mood: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think; Dennis Greenberger, Christine Padesky

I had already bought the book many years ago, never went through it, because it seemed too simplistic - my "advanced" mind craved something more weighty and sophisticated. I even purchased the "Clinician's Guide" to the book, so I would be equally matched with the therapist.

Today, many years later, my ego is less of a obstacle. I am going through the book with my little pencil, dutifully filling in boxes and writing answers in the spaces provided.

On page 13:

Environmental changes/Life situations: work pressures, life pressures, temptations all around, people around me being critical of me, my responsibilities at work could explode, many things could put my family and our lifestyle in jeopardy.

Physical reactions: low energy, adrenaline surges from self-righteous rage, headaches, gnawing hunger, twitchiness and jumpiness and fidgeting

Moods: constant anxiety, prone to rage, irritable, depressed, overwhelmed, fragile, insecure, frustrated

Behaviors: outbursts, self-soothing & distraction behaviors, overeating, oversleeping, procrastination, excessive coffee drinking, lethargy

Thoughts: bad & evil & lazy & irresponsible & decadent people deserve to be abused and punished, it is so hard & it is so futile I want to give up, I mourn the living I missed out on, I will die with many many regrets

[sarahb]

I completely understand. Sometimes I feel like I can't even accomplish running in circles. I want to unplug. Be consciously unconscious....

[manuel_moe_g]

Have completed 3 sessions with therapist.

A big handicap for me all my life: not accepting self-improvement that falls short of perfection. If it wasn't perfect self-improvement, I thought it wasn't worth anything. Very debilitating thinking. 3% improvement is good stuff - 3% improvement that you can maintain is great stuff - 3% improvement that you can maintain and build upon more and more IS THE GREATEST STUFF IN THE WORLD. Don't ever let your mind tell you different.

I always thought scheduling my day was an opportunity to bully myself. I always thought writing a to-do list was an opportunity to bully myself. NO Write a schedule and put as much fun stuff as it takes to make you willing, with a bit of effort, to stick to the schedule. Write a to-do list and put as much fun stuff as it takes to make you willing, with a bit of effort, to stick to the to-do list. REFUSE TO BE A SELF-BULLY WHO BURSTS INTO THE ROOM, BREAKS ALL THE TOYS, AND THROWS A BUCKET AND MOP IN YOUR FACE. That is not the point of a schedule or a to-do list - if you think it is, you are copying a bad ineffective model.

[manuel_moe_g]

Feeling constant anxiety, when my eyes are open, like being stabbed in my eye-sockets with very thin needles.

The feeling is that life is constant unending pain and hopelessness.

I need to remember that since the age of 25 (I am 41 now) I have had constant 3% or greater improvement, and all of a kind that I could sustain and build upon - which is pretty darn good, if not great.

When I feel like sleeping my life away during the day, just take a little walk around the block and get sunlight into my head.

Also, pumping my arms above my head, to get blood flowing.

That will not put me into a perfect state of mind, but at least a state of mind that I can push forward a bit and build my stamina.