Obsessions/Compulsions getting in the way?

[minigrogs]

I have been wondering if anyone deals with something I struggle with. Basically, I am very obsessive/compulsive. But it is not like OCD in a technical sense. It is more like, I like I get an idea in my head of how something should be done, or something i want to do, and it grates at me until I do it. This doesn't sound like a huge deal, but its really gotten in my way. For example, this is my first year teaching. I am teaching three different classes, which can get overwhelming. Particularly because I have a tendency to become obsessed over one small thing, for one class, and then not get to the other stuff I should have prepared, and then need to rush that. I then beat myself up for doing what I feel is a bad job.

I do things like spend 3 hours trying to find a specific 5 minute video I want to show as an example. I do this often. And then don't understand how I have nothing to show for the hours of work I put in. I feel frustrated, stupid, and anxious. I know this makes no sense, but I have the hardest time stopping. I see a therapist and am working on it. I also take vyvanse for ADD type things, and anxiety meds. I am finally focusing on this, so I feel a small degree of hope to change.

But I was wondering if anyone can relate. I mean I also have a MA degree in Mental Health Counseling, and a MA in psychology, but have yet to figure myself out fully. I still struggle with controlling my obsessions/compulsions/anxiety. I am so scared this compulsive behavior is going to prevent me from ever fully succeeding. It has many times.

[Colonialpunk]

Minigrogs,

I absolutely identify with what you said in regard to having one thing that needs to be done, and needs to be done a specific way.

I have been lucky enough that my work environment has always been pretty happy with my obsessive compulsive tendencies because it has generally helped me keep the office/other work environments under control.

Where I have the bigger problem is in my personal relationships. I've had moments where that one small thing I obsess over is cleaning a cast-iron pan, for example. The sort of control I have over that small thing being perfect often spills over, and I wind up being rude or controlling to my boyfriend when I see him doing (something awesome and cleaning the kitchen) "wrong".

I feel a lot of frustration often, and a lot of anxiety that all of those small things and processes I have will be upset. I definitely, like you, feel stupid a lot of the time, because I can't seem to be able to just drop it and let it go. I don't want to cause problems or be difficult, so I feel an amazing amount of guilt for my oddly off-center priorities.

These issues were, I think, a lot more intense for me when I was a child/teenager, and since then (at least in the workplace) I've tried to direct that energy toward tasks that will benefit by my intense scrutiny. Keeping things organized, creating spreadsheets, or creating displays have been great for channeling those feelings into something useful... as long as I am working on them alone. I haven't been able to get rid of those feeling entirely, but learning to channel them into useful projects has made a big difference in parts of my life.

[minigrogs]

I wish mine went into cleaning. I really do. I am a mess, lol. And very disorganized. But the underlying concept is the same. Thank you for replying it feels great to be understood. I am starting to work them out a bit. For me the obsessions are also a fix. Maybe you feel that way with cleaning. Almost like a drug. Like you get a sense of satisfaction when you do it well and stuff is finally how I like it. For me its like, when I figure out something I am trying to figure out, or find the "correct" video to show to class for example, I get this quick positive feeling of satisfaction until the next obsession.

[Colonialpunk]

Haha, there are times when the cleaning bug strikes me for a while, but I also have bipolar disorder so it is kind of like the planets have to align just right to get me into high-gear cleaning mode.

I definitely get that "fix" though. For me, it is almost like a brief evaporation of some of the pent-up anxiety that I carry around too... so that satisfaction also seems to transcend into something physical.

Even the sorts of things I feel compelled toward -but not fully (like it doesn't feel like life or death when it comes to whether or not I do whatever it is) I usually wind up following through with, just because doing it feels better than not.

[minigrogs]

Its interesting the way you discuss the cleaning. Sometimes I actually do get urge at like 2 am, if I am up. And although I don't have bipolar disorder, I think sometimes I get what is close to mania if I am over tired at 2am, or over caffeinated.

[manuel_moe_g]

I do things like spend 3 hours trying to find a specific 5 minute video I want to show as an example. I do this often. And then don't understand how I have nothing to show for the hours of work I put in. I feel frustrated, stupid, and anxious. I know this makes no sense, but I have the hardest time stopping.

Yeah, I have this problem of my effort into individual parts of a plan not matching the priority of that individual part. And the whole thing is so anxiety riddled that I want to avoid the whole mess with sleeping the day away.

One thing that helps me is thinking about Stephen King's advice in his book "On Writing" - he powers through the first draft, refusing to stop to do any research at all, even if it means getting the details wrong. Only after the first draft is complete does he allow the inner critic and the inner researcher to have a say.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Minigrogs,

I TOTALLY relate to your issue. I believe it's depression related and at the core is also an imbedded belief that if we don't do something good enough, we will not be able to survive or at the very least thrive. It's built on the lie that there is one "perfect way" to so something. I have sat down to write something and spent a half hour working on the formatting of the page. Maybe it's kind of like that feeling when you put your toe in the pool and it's just not quite warm enough, so you hem and haw cause you don't think your system can take the shock of diving in.

I could be way off base, I tell dick jokes. But the work I've done in various support groups have dealt with this issue occasionally. And for one particular addiction of mine, the core of the sickness is about fear of responsibility and perfectionism. And those two issues make it REALLY hard to achieve intimacy, because what is intimacy but accepting somebody who is not perfect, accepting that they love you even though they see all your pimples and still respecting them for that, and the intense fear that you will become overwhelmed in the future by their needs.

My two cents. I love that you are positioned to experience mental health from the experiential and scholastic perspective. I think that's a future gift that's going to be quite beautiful for you. Should you ever write anything you'd like me to look at for a guest blog, send it to me at mentalpod@gmail.com

I have read some stuff Colonialpunk wrote. It's very good and helpful. I'm really glad both of you are active in the forum. I'm sorry I don't visit it more often. But I'm usually too busy walking around trying to make something perfect that is fine as it is.

Paul

Paul

[minigrogs]

Thanks for responding. It means a lot after I have been listening to the podcasts for so long. And for mentioning the guest blog. I will think about it at some time that is not 2:40am (I am on Eastern Standard Time), as there is a greater chance I can form coherent sentences.

I have sat down to write something and spent a half hour working on the formatting of the page. Maybe it's kind of like that feeling when you put your toe in the pool and it's just not quite warm enough, so you hem and haw cause you don't think your system can take the shock of diving in.

I have done this with powerpoints, I am like, I just need to find a better design, I don't like those colors, etc. And then I yell at myself for wasting time doing that, as though that will be more productive.

I have read some stuff Colonialpunk wrote. It's very good and helpful. I'm really glad both of you are active in the forum. I'm sorry I don't visit it more often. But I'm usually too busy walking around trying to make something perfect that is fine as it is.

Thanks for making me smile.

See I think for me there are various elements to this. There is the procrastination (hemming and hawing as you say), a degree of perfectionism/having high standards (but I am not perfectionist in the traditional sense, yet I have high possibly impossible standards on certain things), and also this fix of excitement and happiness when I get a small task done how I like it. I discussed this a little below, but its like you are looking for a specific picture, finally you find it, and its like, that feeling of success, and immediate gratification feels good in that moment. I am addicted to that feeling.

[BecomingKind]

belief that if we don't do something good enough, we will not be able to survive or at the very least thrive. It's built on the lie that there is one "perfect way" to so something.

One belief I have, which I'm recently learning to articulate, is that I was "meant" to do something and that I'm wasting my chance on earth to do it. That's the source of my indecision and perfectionism. Then, if I do one thing - whatever I've commited to - perfectly, it will untie the knot and I will be free and everything will be revealed.

It's like running an obstacle course blindfolded, looking for something that could free you.

It seems it's impossible to do something perfectly. My theory is that we self-sabotage, because we don't really believe the stuff we're doing is important or useful enough. So whether we do it well or not, we're still wasting time and space.

[minigrogs]

That is very existentialist of you, BecomingKind. I am not sure how I feel on that. Sometimes it feels like nothing is worth it, and sometimes it feels like it all matters a whole lot. I guess, right now, I feel like what I am doing matters. In fact, I feel I am aware it is what I want to do with my life (in this case teaching). However, I also know it is fueling my stress and anxiety. So this means either, I have an odd enjoyment with being constantly stressed out. Which could be true. But I think I enjoy it, and it matters to me, and for that reason I am more obsessed with doing it how I think is right.

So, I was observed in my class, and got review from it recently. And the review was positive. Which I am of course happy about. Or as much as I am getting "happy" at the moment. But then its like I feel like a fraud. Like I got lucky and that does not count. Especially, since today in class I felt like a disorganized mess, trying to get papers back that I stayed up until 3 am grading, then slept until 7am, and went back to grading for most part. So I feel like oh, they just saw a better day since I knew I was being observed.

So apparently there is no pleasing me. I would be hysterically upset if it was a bad review. And if it is a good one, well then clearly they didn't see the "real" version of me. The other reason there is no "pleasing" me, is that I feel that now that I got a good review there, all I can do is screw it up. I get upset if things don't go my way, and I do poorly. I get all depressed. If things go well, I feel momentarily happy and then scared I am going to mess up. At least when my mind is in place it is now, which is probably not the best one. Okay, back to grading and lack of sleep. Sigh. Thanks for reading this, if you got to here.