Hello hello

[Murphy]

Um, hello!

I'm a 27 year old female with depression, social anxiety, and obsessive thoughts. I'm on Prozac & Wellbutrin xl. The Prozac has done wonders, especially for my social anxiety, but I still have bad days-- both depression and anxiety wise. The Wellbutrin was prescribed to help me stop feeling so "bleh". I think maybe it's helped a little, but mostly it just makes me fidgety.

I go back and forth between thinking 1) that I am a piece of shit, and 2) that I'm pretty cool, so why does everyone else think I am a piece of shit? (Note: everyone else probably does not think this.)

My fiance is awesome. Kindest guy on the planet and we get along perfectly. He's chronically happy which is totally awesome for him, and I wish I could be like that, but he has no idea where I'm coming from with my issues. He listens and really tries to help, but mostly he focuses on practical arguments and logic, which have no effect on me. I'm a pretty smart person, and I totally understand logic. I know that everyone doesn't secretly hate me, I know that nobody remembers that stupid thing I said 5 years ago, and I know that there's no immediate danger in a large dinner party. But at the very same time that part of my brain is using calm and rational arguments to make it's case, there's another part of my brain that's simultaneously going "NO!" It's not very logical, but it's very loud, and it drowns out everything else.

I dropped out of my PhD program, and it took me months to stop feeling ashamed of it, that I'm a failure, and that I let everybody down. I've been job searching every day for the past 3 months, and I've only had one interview. It was almost two weeks ago, and as of a few days ago I was "one of the top candidates". I've been on edge ever since waiting to hear back. In previous years for internships and such I've probably heard "We really like you BUT..." more than I've heard anything else. I've basically convinced myself that this job is my only shot at redemption and feeling like a productive member of society and of my household. I worry what's going to happen to me, mentally, if I don't get it.

OK, wrote a lot more than I expected...since I have no job, I spend a lot of time alone, and this is the closest thing I've had to a conversation so far today.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello, Murphy! Welcome to the forum!

I dropped out of my PhD program, and it took me months to stop feeling ashamed of it, that I'm a failure, and that I let everybody down. I've been job searching every day for the past 3 months, and I've only had one interview. It was almost two weeks ago, and as of a few days ago I was "one of the top candidates". I've been on edge ever since waiting to hear back. In previous years for internships and such I've probably heard "We really like you BUT..." more than I've heard anything else. I've basically convinced myself that this job is my only shot at redemption and feeling like a productive member of society and of my household. I worry what's going to happen to me, mentally, if I don't get it

Personally, I am struggling with building up the courage to start up professional counselling again. All I can help is share a bit from my past - no pressure, because I know that you are the expert of your own situation.

I am currently working to get a more realistic relationship with failure, and embrace failure, and accept failure, and conducting myself with maturity and responsibility and not being paralyzed from fear of failure - which is a symptom of an unrealistic and immature relationship with failure.

I like this book: Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life: The New Acceptance and Commitment Therapy; Steven C. Hayes. My sense of failure used to paralyze me, and still does to a large degree. But now I try to hold that feeling of failure in my arms, like I would hold a crying child. I am the responsible adult, and I will be the loving parent to that sense of fear of failure.

Whatever feels comfortable and right for you, please let us know, because I am sure a lot of people here feel as we do. Please take care, all the best, we are all cheering for your very best today and tomorrow!

[Murphy]

Thanks!

I am in counseling, I don't think I mentioned that. I'd gone through a few counselors, some better than others. (The one just before my current one was a total bitch.) But I did find one that I like. He and I have talked about this stuff a lot, and while I feel good talking to him, nothing really helps fully. It was hard to call him and to go in there that first time, but he is really good, so I'm glad that I went ultimately. Best of luck to you in your struggle.

I'll try and check that book out, because I know I need more help, and I know that I'm being irrational. My fiance said to me over coffee this morning, "The world will not end if you don't get this job." And I know that...but it doesn't help.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Murphy,
Welcome! My advice with your fiancee is to let him know you sometimes just want him to be there to love u and listen and to not problem solve. Most men never realize this until they're told. I wasn't. I think of all the times I frustrated both my wife and myself because I didn't know this.

Paul

[BecomingKind]

I've basically convinced myself that this job is my only shot at redemption and feeling like a productive member of society and of my household. I worry what's going to happen to me, mentally, if I don't get it.

Be careful what you ask "the great magnet" for. There is a tendency that the more you fear something, the more real it becomes.

I don't think all these cases of what looks like self-sabotage are actually sabotage, or nearly so sad as they feel. Too much pattern. There might be some hidden cause directing things to an overall better outcome. Like, the head-most lemming becoming distracted for a while is not a bad thing for the herd if it was stampeding towards a cliff.

"I was so close to becoming rich and powerful, but then I got depressed! Why?"

Maybe the purpose of life isn't to be rich and powerful, and maybe some part of us knew that well enough to throw a wrench in the machinery while there was still time to change. Depression ("or whatever") might be nature's way of giving us time to take stock of our lives, forcing us to look inwards, not pinning our sense of worth on someone's whims, and deciding ourselves what the purpose of life is going to be.

Your worth is "infinite". You have to look into yourself to know it, but you won't be allowed to see it until you also see it in everyone else. No judging, just love and compassion ... The mind doesn't always know the difference between itself and others, that's why the golden rule really works. It's difficult to believe these things but it only works when you believe, and when it works, you have confirmation.

Sorry if this post is turning into sappy bs. I still think it's true.

"The world will not end if you don't get this job." And I know that...but it doesn't help.

Try typing into a turned-off computer. Write what's really bothering you. No one will hear or see it, but you will say it. It might work, I don't know.

[Murphy]

Thanks all.

Good news is: I got the job. Getting closer to becoming, like, a real live adult. Wow.

My advice with your fiancee is to let him know you sometimes just want him to be there to love u and listen and to not problem solve.

Thanks...I have, but I think he just doesn't know what to do. I have to remember that our local NAMI chapter has a support group both for people with mental illnesses and the family members of. I can't be easy to deal with. Bless him for putting up with me.