Hey, I suck

[IvyFailure]

I don't know how to be cool and let these things slide. I can't hep thinking that my career is supposed to be something else, but it's not. I don't want to be someone obsessed with money, careers, education, but I can't stop thinking that other people are always judging me. It's my own snobbishness reflected back on me.

I wish therapy worked for me, but the two times I tried it I felt like the therapists were counting the minutes until the end. Any time I enter therapy I become gripped by two competing narratives: 1, that I am hopelessly overwhelmed by innumerable existential crises, and 2, that I am a totally cool and competent person capable of so much more than life has afforded me. These two narratives cancel each other turning me into a paralyzed bore and rendering therapy absolutely useless.

I notice that Paul replies to a lot of the comments on this thread. If you're reading this, I'm a big fan of the podcast, and I've already had so many imaginary conversations with you while listening I can't wait to have a real 2-sided interaction.

I'm 33, I've lost 3 jobs this last year, I'm headed for bankruptcy, and everything else is great. I wish I could get some perspective, but I'd settle for cash.

[Gilly]

Hi, IvyFailure -- as Paul says, "you're not alone." I'm guessing you're an Ivy grad, as am I. I know the pain of feeling like I'm not living up to my potential, even though I've been fairly successful by objective terms. All I can say is, don't blame yourself. The schools do it to us by telling us how smart we are, when really it's a combination of being "bright enough" and lucky. Be true to yourself and try to find something healthy and constructive that you're interested in, and follow it. I wish I had something more profound to share.

[dare i say it]

I wish therapy worked for me, but the two times I tried it I felt like the therapists were counting the minutes until the end. Any time I enter therapy I become gripped by two competing narratives: 1, that I am hopelessly overwhelmed by innumerable existential crises, and 2, that I am a totally cool and competent person capable of so much more than life has afforded me. These two narratives cancel each other turning me into a paralyzed bore and rendering therapy absolutely useless.

I've been there. Therapy is so hard. In the past I would use therapy out of desperation, yet deep down I never really expected it to "work." Maybe it would help somewhat, but the change would be temporary and I basically assumed that I would revert to my "normal" state of depression and anxiety over time. I always felt like I was smarter than my therapists. Maybe I was, but that's not the point. Until recently, I was never able to trust in their expertise, trust in the process, trust in myself to make lasting changes. Imrpoving my mental health is tough enough as it is. I'm still very much a work in progress, but I can see now in retrospect that my ego and my pessimism were making a tough job almost impossible. By the way I'm on my fourth try with therapy now and, if nothing else, the previous work I did sort of laid the groundwork for what I'm doing now.

[IvyFailure]

Thanks, you guys. Those replies were really insightful, and mean a lot to me.

[manuel_moe_g]

I'm still very much a work in progress, but I can see now in retrospect that my ego and my pessimism were making a tough job almost impossible. By the way I'm on my fourth try with therapy now and, if nothing else, the previous work I did sort of laid the groundwork for what I'm doing now.

This is awesome and a very encouraging viewpoint!

[Paul Gilmartin]

Ivy,
Sorry it took me so long to read your post. I tend to go a long time between visits to the forum, so I apologize. While I'm glad the show is growing, I know the day will come when I won't be able to read or respond to as many people as I'd like, and that kind of sucks. But for now, I'm hanging in there.

I hope you can see past the temporary things happening in your life and not assign a sense of permanence to them. Darkness speaks in the voice of absolutes. Never, always, etc.

I would focus on taking baby steps towards reasonable goals, being gentle with yourself, not obsessing about results and trying to stay connected to positive loving people. Those are the things that work for me. I've got a lot of negative chatter in my skull, but I'm learning that I don't always have to listen to it.

Paul