I will introduce myself over my dead body...apparently

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I will introduce myself over my dead body...apparently

Postby LeendertHasABox » November 26th, 2017, 5:09 pm

Hi,

I have just spent 5+ hours trying to write an introduction for myself. I wrote and wrote and deleted and deleted and edited myself into oblivion. I wanted to say absolutely everything about myself I wanted to, I wanted to feel a sense of catharsis, I wanted to represent myself unambiguously and completely for you all, and I wanted to feel good in the end about the whole thing.

Unfortunately I keep having this experience. Anytime I try to do any kind of journaling at all, to myself or for others, including filling out Paul's surveys and trying to create a coherent post here, I tend to let it eat up my entire day. I get frustrated, I bite off any nails I have left, I beat myself up for not making sense or rambling on for far too long, I neglect whatever I needed to do that day, and I eventually end up still in my room, late at night, upset, with a massive headache. Truthfully of all my problems migraines is not one of them, they only seem to come up when I'm having a very particular type of struggle, like this one. Sometimes I end up sticking with something, but I hate it, and sometime I scrap absolutely all of my work.

This hurts and does not feel good at all and I find it extremely discouraging that I can't express myself in words the way I want to. The act of writing just causes this massive overreaction on my part I can't seem to control I don't always know what to do because I so often have no one to talk to in real life and all I can think sometimes in the middle of a day like this is 'I need a hug, and all the writing in the world won't do.'

Why does committing anything to words hurt so much? Does anyone have any advice for working on this?

My main interests/issues here are, but not limited to, chronic pain, mind/body pain disorders (TMS/Sarno, anyone?), anxiety/fear, severe depression, fibromyalgia, CPTSD, teenage drug addiction/homelessness, SAD, and I could go on and on..basically, in a lot of pain, super sad about it, and feel like I've gone so far down the loneliness rabbit whole I'll never learn to reconnect with people...this is the best thing I've written all day I guess.

Still, my neck and head and brain hurt now, and I don't feel much of a cathartic release. I feel so much angrier than when I started :(

I hope I can learn to get better at this with time so I can feel like an active member here instead of giving it up like almost everything else I ever try. A lotta love in this community, for which I'm immediately grateful to all of you (and Paul) for creating and fostering.

Thanks for listening,

nice to meet you all
LeendertHasABox
 
Posts: 7
Joined: November 11th, 2017, 7:16 pm
Gender: Male
Issues: Chronic Pain, Depression, Anxiety, Mind/Body Disorder, CPTSD

Re: I will introduce myself over my dead body...apparently

Postby PaloSabra » November 30th, 2017, 3:52 am

Hi and welcome :)

Im kind of new myself and haven't posted much on here but thought i give it a try since i also have not many in RL to talk to or share my thoughts and story with, that i feel would understand or feel the same as i do..

looking forward to read more posts from you and wish you a blessed day

Hugs :romance-grouphug:
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Posts: 2
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Gender: Female
Issues: Personalty Disorder , Complex PTSD, OCD
preferred pronoun: She

Re: I will introduce myself over my dead body...apparently

Postby brownblob » November 30th, 2017, 7:56 am

I struggle with finding my words too. I have more problem in real life where I try to avoid conversations because I know I am incapable of carrying on my end of it. On the forum, I struggle with finding the words to post and am usually disappointed with whatever I come up with. I don't spend the time at it you do, but I will either type something and then delete it or post it and then spend time rereading what I posted and hating myself for it. I don't have any great advice on how to handle it.
Anyway, just wanted to say hi.
"I don't like people much and they don't much like me." John Nash A Beautiful Mind
"Self knowledge is a dangerous thing--The freedom of who you are" Lou Reed
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Re: I will introduce myself over my dead body...apparently

Postby oak » December 1st, 2017, 6:43 am

You are enough.

You need not be anything you are not, and you need not be anything you are.

I, we, accept you just as you are.

I say the following with as much kindness and gentleness as I can muster:

You did a fine job, an excellent job, in what you wrote. It was clear, concise, and interesting. You're a fine writer and you have a fine mind.

I'm particularly interested, if you're willing to share, about the teenage homelessness.

Sometimes we have to go all the way down the rabbit hole to come out whole on the other side. Sometimes the only way out is in.

All that being said, I see you are suffering. I am sorry you are suffering.

This is not English 101: there is no "right" or "wrong"; there is your experience, your perspective, right now. That is welcome to change.

Thanks for posting. Excellent stuff. I look forward to more of your posts with interest.
"Work is love made visible." -Kahlil Gibran

"We gotta make a decision: leave tonight or live and die this way." -Tracy Chapman
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Re: I will introduce myself over my dead body...apparently

Postby LeendertHasABox » December 2nd, 2017, 11:42 am

This is really nice having some people to talk to like this guys. I can't express how much the enouragement here means to me, and I feel a little less daunted by my own words already. Plust I woke up with a headache today so the pain of writing has a little less leverage over me ;)

I'm glad to get to know you all and almost don't know how to react to people just....asking you to share stuff. I guess I'm just used to feeling like my thoughts and feelings are an imposition on others.

Palo, It's nice to meet you. I can definitely relate to finding people in the real world to connect to in a meaningful way. But maybe starting in a setting like this isn't all such a bad thing. I'm sure we all could use a big hug and I know it's still easy to feel alone when you're by yourself on your computer. But if you're a worrier like me you probably think of everything in terms of going straight from 0 to 60, and seldom consider the art of doing things gradually. I hope talking to you all will help get me out of my comfort zone and ready for real, person-to-person interaction....some day.

BrownBlob, it's nice to hear from you again, and glad you can relate. I'm trying really, really hard this time to not focus so much on what I just typed and just let go. For what it's worth I've read some of your posts browsing around the site and I think you express yourself totally clearly, and I think the fact that you're so active on here means you've got a lot more practice under your belt than I do, so kudos to you, sir. You claim to not have any great advice on how to handle this 'writing' issue, but I think your presence in the forum sets a good example for those of us who are a bit more skiddish. So thanks for sharing and introducing yourself and I hope you're doing well lately.

Oak. You're words are poetry. I doubt I am the first to tell you as much here. And I feel a real personal sense of gratitude towards you for making me feel so validated and accepted. I'm so used to empathy being a massive one-way street for me, I feel sometimes that someone really accepting me would be like getting mowed over by a car speeding down it in the wrong direction. You managed not only to avoid running me over- but you gave me a friendly wave to let me know I was safe out in the street. Thank you :)

I don't talk all too much about my homeless years, but I don't shy away from it too much either. To be honest I have difficulty with all of my memories from that period of time (from my whole childhood prior too, to be fair). And my thoughts on the matter tend to be more about my feelings of regret, shame, and loss in the aftermath of it. Even so, I've no doubt it would be a good writing exercise for me considering this 'dilemma' I've been grappling with and would be happy to share.

Maybe I should post something in one of the non-disorder topics? Or maybe I should just drag this out? I'm not sure if one is better than the other. But I need to take a break for a little bit as my headache is starting to get a little heavier after all and I want to be able to maybe do a little more writing later today.

Glad to be with you all :)
LeendertHasABox
 
Posts: 7
Joined: November 11th, 2017, 7:16 pm
Gender: Male
Issues: Chronic Pain, Depression, Anxiety, Mind/Body Disorder, CPTSD

Re: I will introduce myself over my dead body...apparently

Postby oak » December 4th, 2017, 5:23 pm

Thanks for the kind words! I hope to live up to them.
"Work is love made visible." -Kahlil Gibran

"We gotta make a decision: leave tonight or live and die this way." -Tracy Chapman
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