Violence

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Violence

Postby SubstancelessBlue » January 27th, 2014, 9:04 pm

My boyfriend choked me and threw me across the room this past saturday. I cannot stop crying I can't stay in class I want to drop out of college and die it's hard to breathe I have no appetite I miss him but I don't want him near me I have
To convince my dad not to press charges and get a restraining order and if he does then my bf will have to drop out of college and I will be left there alone I have no friends. I feel so betrayed and scared and broken. His dad beat
Him so I know it's part of a cycle of violence and we are waiting on an appoinent or couples counseling at school. For now we are going back to friends and then we are hoping to be able to date once we think we can handle a romantic relationship. It's so hard not to hug Him and kiss him but when he tries to hug me I am repulsed and frightened. I am so angry because he ruined what he had but our problems have been building for a while and I needed to get help for my depression among other things mental and physical. I feel so alone now so hopeless my family hates him now which I understand but I just want the boy back the one I fell in love with a year ago but he's gone
"I know the bottom, she says. I know it with my great tap root: It is what you fear.
I do not fear it: I have been there."
-Elm, Sylvia Plath
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Re: Violence

Postby fifthsonata » January 28th, 2014, 6:21 pm

Even though his family beat him, that is not an excuse. You can't trust your judgement right now, so step back and let your family help you. Go to counseling and turn your attention to your studies to take your mind off of it - and if you can't, I promise, that's okay. If you need a break from school, that's okay, too. That is a fucking horrific incident. Please, go to counseling by yourself before you try anything with him. Let your family help you - emotions are not always reliable. The truth can even lie. Don't let your emotions jeopardize the safety of your future.
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Re: Violence

Postby weary » January 28th, 2014, 8:29 pm

Be safe, SB. You don't deserve that, and you don't deserve to have to live in fear. It is admirable that you are empathetic for where the abuse originated but it's his problem, not yours and he has to take responsibility for his actions. Please, please keep yourself safe and be strong.
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Re: Violence

Postby Cinnamon » January 29th, 2014, 7:48 pm

SB:
It is admirable that you remain empathetic to the pain your former boyfriend retains from childhood. But causing you pain and allowing him to hurt you does nothing to erase the pain inside him and will add to the world's pain by hurting you and by hurting those who care for you who watch you make poor choices.
Your message already tells you what you know - your body knows this is not safe as you can't be hugged. Your family that loves you knows this is not good for you. Your caring heart wants to be protect him from himself but the cost of doing that is not protecting yourself. Please don't make that bargain.
If he had an abusive childhood, he is holding pain that will last a lifetime if he does not get help - the sort of help that is professional. No amount of patience on your part, no amount of love on your part will take away his pain. It is not your failure that it won't. Fortunately there are resources. Enough of that latter though.
As for pressing charges - that is a tough call (and one I have faced). So much depends on the state where you live. In some states, that is it and a guilty plea is there forever and ever. years. In some other states, if an abuser agrees to counseling, they often drop charges on a first offence.
But whether you press charges or not, you must remove yourself from this situation. If he is forced to drop out, that is the consequence of his actions.
People go back to school for all sorts of reasons later in life. The main thing he needs to learn right now to be happy may be how to handle relationships coz I tell you, if he doesn't learn that, no education, no income and salary, will make him happy, will cover the pain.
You are young and you want to nurture but his actions were extreme and if he doesn't get help, he will get worse. It almost always gets worse. and your energy and self esteem will be the cost, as you spend more time trying to not irritate him or protect him from his temper the way a drunk's wife protects a drunk. the bravest act of love you can do right now for him and for you is to stand firm and say - no matter what your childhood was, this is not acceptable to treat me this way.
because it is not.
he can search here: http://www.havoca.org/HAVOCA_home.htm
and he needs one on one therapy to heal....he should find someone who works in this area, its a delicate area to treat because the trauma is brought up and faced
and fyi, very very very few therapists will accept a couple as clients in abusive situations because the abuser will dominate and because the situation can turn ugly very fast and then all are in danger AND because the couples plays out the often repeated (and did he say this) statement that "it is her fault, if she didn't act this way, say that, talk just like my mother just now, control me, make me do it...." in other words, it places the focus on the couple or the victim and its the abuser who must face what is inside before he can be in a couple
good luck stay safe
you can be caring but not caught up
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Re: Violence

Postby Cinnamon » January 29th, 2014, 8:00 pm

http://www.upworthy.com/a-brave-fan-ask ... ful-answer

not all abused children grow up to abuse, some captain the USS Enterprise and speak out...
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Re: Violence

Postby kitkat » January 29th, 2014, 8:20 pm

I don't have much advice aside from what people have already posted, but I wanted to add my support. You deserve to feel safe, and it is not your responsibility to fix his patterns of abuse. You can do better.
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Re: Violence

Postby Cinnamon » January 29th, 2014, 8:54 pm

and don't forget that you need to see a therapist or someone with training. This was a trauma to your body and your trust. you were already dealing with depression
now you want to withdraw. we all have felt that at some point but do not leave college - get the support you need to not let this throw you off your own path of growth and healing.
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Re: Violence

Postby Data » February 23rd, 2014, 4:20 pm

Hey SB,

You said it yourself, the boy you fell in love with is not there. He is now locked behind walls of his own aggression and he will not be coming back from there. That betrayal you feel, the repulsion and fear you feel when he tries to hug and kiss you, are telling you something. It is completely understandable that you are also afraid of leaving him. A break up whether with someone who has physically and emotionally hurt you or someone who you just don't get along with is hard. If you are struggling with depression that must be only making it more difficult. I think going to see a counselor is an excellent first step. Go to the couples counseling, but also think about setting up an appointment with an individual counselor as well if you do not already. Individual counseling is a time that you can think openly with another mind in the room to sort out your thoughts and emotions, and from your post if I were feeling all of that I think I would find it all very overwhelming. Take small steps and deep breaths. Also if you ever find all of this way too much and you just need someone to talk to you can call The National Domestic Violence Hotline (http://www.thehotline.org/) and just word stream everything you are feeling. These guys are great for listening and they won't report your boyfriend to the police or anything like that. Remember there are people who have been through what you have been through. You will get through it too. In the meantime we are here for you at the MentalPod forum, ready to accost you with lots of big fucking hugs.

-Data
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