First of all, great job coming out about your weight.
Secondly, I struggle with the same dating fears you lay out here. But I don't necessarily have a handle on it any more than you do.
I 'survived' a second date on the weekend with a lovely woman, who sadly, didn't feel a 'spark' for me. Sad for her; an almighty relief for me. I'd had about as much of being myself in front of a stranger as I could humanly tolerate. Actually, I feel liberated now that I was able to be somewhat vulnerable with someone I was attracted to and then walk away with my boundaries intact. Also, she did say something particularly hurtful in a moment of reflex defensiveness so, I'm not too disappointed that I didn't bring the requisite spark.
For me the fears you describe are symptoms, not questions to resolve. In the end, for me, it came down to, in my own mind, being as clear as I could about what I was consenting to, by asking for the date in the first place. More specifically, how much I was consenting to.
Once I was able to keep that clear, I felt like I had given the amount of consent that I was comfortable giving; and as importantly, would be comfortable withdrawing.
It also allowed me to consider what she seemed to be consenting to, and also, that I could confidently, safely accept her withdrawing consent at any time. It would have nothing to do with, for me, my worthiness, or appearance because I hadn't yet given her consent to cross those particular boundaries.
A lot of this will go unspoken, but it meant that when she finally did withdraw consent, I had not given up anything of value, that I had not already consented to put out there.
The bad news is you're going to get it somewhat wrong every time. The good news is it's going to matter less when it goes wrong and gradually, your boundaries will become healthier and also, begin, in an unspoken way, to attract people you would want to be attracted to you.
Don't try too hard to get this particular one right. Focus on your boundaries; what you consent to, and what is off limits. Be ready for her to withdraw consent at any moment; either altogether, or just to a safer distance. Even if the date bombs, she'll respect you more for respecting her boundaries. Eventually you'll get your deepest needs met like you never imagined!
Last edited by Beany Boo
on March 19th, 2017, 5:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Mr B. Boo