Worthy of love?

To start a discussion post as a new topic.

Worthy of love?

Postby oak » March 19th, 2017, 3:09 pm

May I use my words?

I have plans to meet someone this week.

Trite as it is, an "I feel" statement:

I feel unworthy of love because I made mistakes.

I feel sad because I have neglected the intimate side of my life.

I feel grateful because someone is taking a chance to meet me.

I feel unworthy because I am medically described as "obese". I am 5-10, just over 200 lbs. I am taking action each day to eat better and exercise more.

I feel scared because I fear the me I present to her won't be "the real me".

I feel like I treat my own sexuality as a joke.

I feel like I have to perform, when I know a certain proportion of people tend to like me as I am.

In conclusion, I feel much better having said all this. I am only as sick as my secrets.

I very much appreciate this forum. Twenty years ago we didn't have anything like: the internet was not social, and we rarely talked about mental illness and/or feelings.

I feel safe posting here more, as I am moved.

Thanks for listening!
User avatar
oak
 
Posts: 907
Joined: January 18th, 2013, 8:44 am
Gender: Male

Re: Worthy of love?

Postby oak » March 19th, 2017, 3:11 pm

I used to be drunk and broke.

Now I have a responsible position at respected institution.

How can I shake that image in my head? I am not the same person I was back then.

Asking this question is the best I can do today. I feel pain, sorrow.
User avatar
oak
 
Posts: 907
Joined: January 18th, 2013, 8:44 am
Gender: Male

Re: Worthy of love?

Postby Beany Boo » March 19th, 2017, 5:11 pm

First of all, great job coming out about your weight.

Secondly, I struggle with the same dating fears you lay out here. But I don't necessarily have a handle on it any more than you do.

I 'survived' a second date on the weekend with a lovely woman, who sadly, didn't feel a 'spark' for me. Sad for her; an almighty relief for me. I'd had about as much of being myself in front of a stranger as I could humanly tolerate. Actually, I feel liberated now that I was able to be somewhat vulnerable with someone I was attracted to and then walk away with my boundaries intact. Also, she did say something particularly hurtful in a moment of reflex defensiveness so, I'm not too disappointed that I didn't bring the requisite spark.

For me the fears you describe are symptoms, not questions to resolve. In the end, for me, it came down to, in my own mind, being as clear as I could about what I was consenting to, by asking for the date in the first place. More specifically, how much I was consenting to.

Once I was able to keep that clear, I felt like I had given the amount of consent that I was comfortable giving; and as importantly, would be comfortable withdrawing.

It also allowed me to consider what she seemed to be consenting to, and also, that I could confidently, safely accept her withdrawing consent at any time. It would have nothing to do with, for me, my worthiness, or appearance because I hadn't yet given her consent to cross those particular boundaries.

A lot of this will go unspoken, but it meant that when she finally did withdraw consent, I had not given up anything of value, that I had not already consented to put out there.

The bad news is you're going to get it somewhat wrong every time. The good news is it's going to matter less when it goes wrong and gradually, your boundaries will become healthier and also, begin, in an unspoken way, to attract people you would want to be attracted to you.

Don't try too hard to get this particular one right. Focus on your boundaries; what you consent to, and what is off limits. Be ready for her to withdraw consent at any moment; either altogether, or just to a safer distance. Even if the date bombs, she'll respect you more for respecting her boundaries. Eventually you'll get your deepest needs met like you never imagined!

Good luck!
Last edited by Beany Boo on March 19th, 2017, 5:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Emotionally,

Mr B. Boo
User avatar
Beany Boo
 
Posts: 753
Joined: June 13th, 2016, 3:18 am
Location: Australia
Gender: Not-quite-cis-male
Issues: Food insecurity, anihilation anxiety, impingement, fearful-avoidance
preferred pronoun: That man, his things

Re: Worthy of love?

Postby Beany Boo » March 19th, 2017, 5:33 pm

By 'consent', I mean, what, about your body, your emotions and what belongs to you, are you giving others specific permission, verbally or otherwise to touch, or share in. It's the clearest and most immediate way I know of defining your own value and what's important to you. The moment you withdraw it is just as defining as the moment you give it. Withdrawing it can be as simple as saying, "Stop!", without any further explanation. They talk all the time about sexual consent, but emotional consent for men as much as for women, is vitally important.
Emotionally,

Mr B. Boo
User avatar
Beany Boo
 
Posts: 753
Joined: June 13th, 2016, 3:18 am
Location: Australia
Gender: Not-quite-cis-male
Issues: Food insecurity, anihilation anxiety, impingement, fearful-avoidance
preferred pronoun: That man, his things


Return to Anxiety

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest