constant fear

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constant fear

Postby woo » June 28th, 2013, 9:34 pm

I don't know if this is normal but ever since I had my first child, I have had tons of unwanted thoughts about the terrible things that could happen to him...I think about him getting kidnapped or hit by a car or falling down stairs or some other tragic freak accident. I talk to other moms and they just say "yup. That's part of being a mom"... one of the things that worries me most is sexual abuse. Probably because I was raped in my twenties, but also because it seems to be so common nowadays..pedophelia is rampant it seems. I feel like we live in a rape culture where teen porn and child sexualization is becoming the "norm" to an extent. However, most of the people I know who have been sexually abused have been abused by someone close to them. I'm starting to feel like I can't trust anyone. Is it society or my own hangups? I am in therapy for what happened to me but I know so many people who are living this secret shameful hell and all I want to do is protect him from this ever happening. I feel like there is danger lurking around every corner and all I want to do is protect him. I feel like I'm going to be super overprotective helicopter mom if I don't get some control over these thoughts. Motherhood is joyful and terrifying at the same time.. its such a strange and new reality to me..
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Re: constant fear

Postby oak » June 28th, 2013, 9:37 pm

Hugs, woo
"Work is love made visible." -Kahlil Gibran

"What is better: to be born good or to overcome your evil nature through great effort?" -Skyrim
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Re: constant fear

Postby Cinnamon » June 29th, 2013, 11:01 am

woo, I have no idea if this is normal but I do know I felt exactly the same way when I had my first child and it persisted for years. I certainly think it hit me more than others in my family or social group and its overwhelming because it is so relentless - each day, each minute, you become aware of how precious and fragile we all are.
I know the best advice to give you is to be zen and it may be great advice but it is not what helped me. I just got thru it by developing more trust in myself as a mother, being vigilant (yes, overprotective) and learning to trust that somehow, babies have made it thru for centuries.
Behind it, of course there is the recognition that no matter how vigilant you are, the world has dangers and you can't control or stop things from happening. And I think, underneath, for me, was a sense that I had no control, no confidence in myself...and probably fears from my own childhood experiences I had avoided dealing with. I really can't say any one thing worked but several did but one thing that really motivated me to deal with it is knowing MY anxiety about the world would shape HIS vision of what sort of place the world is. I didn't want him fearful, afraid of risks or adventure.
And having a second, from pure exhaustion, helped. No energy to worry so much. Trite but true - anxiety is somewhat a luxury of having time to think.
Good luck. Remember the mothers need nuturing too, and be kind to yourself for mistakes.
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Re: constant fear

Postby ballewbird » July 8th, 2013, 9:30 pm

I experienced the same thing as a new mom. My kids are 10 and 6 now. To some extent, it wears off, but it is also very natural. Even my husband, who has no mental illness at all that I can detect, had the same visions. I still get them from time to time, but they are rare. I think what helped me was just that, even as I did my best, my kids would still get hurt in the weirdest ways! I guess I realized that I couldn't control everything.

About molestation. I get it. I was molested as a child. The best thing you can do is education and start early. For one, I taught my kids the right words for their parts. No "wee-wee" - it is penis and vagina. I have taught them from an early age which parts are private. I made it a habit to ask before I touched them there. Even in the docs office, when they examined my kids, I reminded them, "This is only okay because this is a doctor AND Mommy is here." I also talk to them about children touching them - I was molested by a neighbor child. Finally, I respect their privacy. At age 8, my boy didn't want me to see him naked. I didn't think it was a big deal, but I respected it. I told him that he has a right to have only who he wants to see him naked. At school age, I kept a very short list of who could pick them up besides me. They know there are only about 3 people besides me and Dad who can pick them up.

Be as protective as you feel you need, but given time, you'll find that it eases up a bit. Good luck to you.

- Ballewbird.
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Re: constant fear

Postby woo » July 16th, 2013, 11:03 pm

Thanks,
I'm starting to realize that I just need to make sure im open and honest with my kids from the start and make sure they grow up with a high self esteem and a safe environment where they know they are loved and protected no matter what. I need to learn not to pass my baggage and fear onto them and teach them that they can stand up for themselves when someone makes them feel unsafe or violated.. Truly, thank you for the feedback. I try to open up to other women but so many are uncomfortable talking about their weaknesses.. at least face to face. When I bring these things up, people sometimes get uncomfortable and I'm a very open and bluntly honest person. I appreciate the honesty and support I find here.

Much love..
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