tired of "managing"

[jenloiacono]

Today I woke up and realized (not a new realization, but more remembered) that these "battles in my head" have no "cure". That thought just exhausts me. I'm sure I'm not alone in this, but I'm at a point in my life where I find myself wondering whether it's worth it -- whether i'm up to "managing" my depression for the rest of my life. I get so tired of doing the work on myself.

I'm just exhausted, and sometimes i feel like it would be better/easier to just give in to the crazy and go where ever that train leads..

[BecomingKind]

As you learn more, you get more options available.

Then you can choose more than just "giving in to crazyness".

The impression that "I have no choices" is a trick the brain does.

[jenloiacono]

what do you mean? my options are pretty much do the work and manage my depression/anxiety in hopes of living a somewhat happy life, or don't do the work and give up, yeah?

maybe i'm looking at all wrong, but i don't know how else to look at it.

i've been in therapy on and off for the last 9 years.. it's just tiring.

[in_media_res]

It is tiring.

I'm not sure I've fully thought this out, but I do have some experience. This is something that's true with a lot of diseases -- physical and mental. Depression, diabetes, anxiety, cancer, arthritis...they all extract a toll on your spirit in pain, trying to reckon with the injustice, and all the attendant treatments and care. Mental illnesses often bring the added insult of robbing you of the compassion for yourself and the courage you need to deal with these pains.

I do believe that with depression there is hope of recovery. But whether it's meds or meditation, exercise, therapy, spirituality, or whatever, you've got to do the work. You've got to believe you're worth doing the work. Maybe that's the real challenge we're struggling with -- just believing in our selves, and our worth.

You are worth it, you deserve the healing.

[fifthsonata]

Oh, I think this is something we all identify with. It's exhausting, not being able to trust the thoughts in your head. When you feel as if you've run a marathon after washing the dishes or doing laundry. When you'd rather leave the curtains shut on your window to block out the sun, it's blinding rays reminding you of a world moving, with or without you.


But, the thing is - after you've done the hard part, whatever that may be to you....therapy, medication, creating a support system, etc. - you realize WHAT you've been missing out on. It's so...I guess, heartbreaking....realizing how much time you've lost to the illness. The only thing you can do is love and enjoy what you have, here and now. You have to fight for it, but when you've found something that works, suddenly it was all worth it. Instead of wishing the earth would swallow you up, here you are, part of something that you never even knew existed, or, it's been so long that you forgot it was there.


The good days are spectacular when you deal with mental illness. When you can come back from rock bottom, things take on such a strong value and love within your heart. You don't take them for granted. The best part is the sense of freedom when you've been able to work through it and find a way to keep it controlled - you have this feeling of confidence, of strength. When you rebuild your life and surround yourself with things that keep you sane, when you find yourself backsliding, the ones who love you will grab your hand and keep you here, connected. You won't have to do the work. Let the people who love you....just love you. That is my favorite part - when you have that network of people you love, and they love you in return, they will do the work WITH you and alleviate some of that burden. It's nice to know that someone loves you when you can't even love yourself.


Maybe you shouldn't think of it as just "management." It seems so....bleak. Disheartening. Maybe think of it....as maintenance. Taking your mind to the shop for a tune-up now and then. If you can find those things that have value, connect with the world, love....the struggle becomes less because you have a real grasp on what you miss out on when the crazy takes over.


I like to write about the good days. It gives me something a little more tangible when my mind and emotions can't connect with what I used to love. Maybe that would help you, too?

[MCspeaks]

I consider myself very lucky that I was able to find a medication that helped me within 3 months...not sure how it'll go in the future...but for now, I gotta be thankful. My brain likes to make me feel horrible about the term "for the rest of my life" too, I think it's daunting to everyone.

I seriously can't even function past the next few days...that's how I get by, even being a lot happier and okay with my myself than I've ever been. I just can't look ahead, in stretches of weeks, months, years, because it's too much. There's too many what if's involved.

And I think we are restless as a species...or rather as a society, always looking for fulfillment in all the wrong places. Just know it's worth it. You make a difference to people, even in ways you don't know about. Don't let yourself get bogged down by the unknown.

[BecomingKind]

what do you mean? my options are pretty much do the work and manage my depression/anxiety in hopes of living a somewhat happy life, or don't do the work and give up, yeah?

To learn more ways of "experiencing yourself" or "being you". That gives you more options at every junction - to freak out or stay calm? To appreciate the beauty in little things or feel threatened by the outside world, and so on.

It's not easy to "manage" a relationship with the world where you feel like a victim or an orphan. Letting go of this belief doesn't mean giving in to crazy.

The hard work is learning new ways to trust and interact in where trust comes naturally.