I can only speak from my autobiography - I can't give you the advice that you deserve, because of my limitations. At one point in my life I was suicidal because of horrific shame at my undesirability and longing for any kind of relationship. Now I have a wife and daughter. I still have problems, just not the same ones I had before. It isn't always perfect, because a wife and teenage daughter are good to take turns hating daddy.
Please allow yourself to really live, now, and don't hold yourself hostage. Because you deserve it, you deserve to really live. You are too good to have your happiness be conditional upon another. There is such a thing as climbing the mountain, and finally seeing the river-valley on the other side of the mountain - but you deserve to be really living and be a whole,happy person every step of that climb. Please take care, and all the best.