Unloved

[JasmineP]

i woke up from a less than mediocre nap with the thought that no one loves me. platonic relationships are important but I feel as if no one will ever love me platonically. i know plenty of men but I don't know how to either go after them or act in such a way that would make it known that I was interested in anyone.

I can deal with being 23 and having never been in a relationship but the prospect of that never changing in my future is upsetting, even typing this I'm crying. Well, my eyes are welling up but it does get difficult to blink away the tears to make sure my spelling is correct enough that I make sense.

I know every time I've been kissed, I can count that on one hand. Two were from people interested in me, one was because i was weird kid who decided to practice kissing with a friend, one from a drunken response to something i said the fifth one was a drunken New Years kiss from this year. i don't really dress femininely, I feel that if I weighed less it'd be considered more androgynous than the masculine I generally get. I wear tee shirts and jeans because they're more comfortable than most girly clothes. i don't really want my breasts to just be all out everywhere and i don't like the tight cut of many women's things to it's loose fitting tee shirts and jeans or cargo pants.

In thinking and feeling like I won't be loved I wonder if I'll always be a virgin. I have a skin disease that only doctors and medical students have seen in some really unpleasant places that i don't really want to show people, I think i end up being more reserved so I don't have to explain it to someone who may want to have sex with me. it looks gross and generally hurts. I assume other people would be too disgusted when they saw it that they wouldn't want to have anything to do with me.

I have few people I really consider friends and the person i consider my best friend is a shitty friend when he's dating anyone. I don't try contacting him more often than maybe once a month and I don't always get a response and sometimes I really want someone to talk to so it is a less than desirable experience. We live in different parts of the same state so it's not like I'm calling or texting at really bad times, and I just so rarely get a call back or anything.

I spend so much of my time alone that I doubt the people who are my friends and put up with me. From my vulgar jokes, my rampant profanity and my know it all mentality. They seem to enjoy being around me which is cool, but outside of my friends and the all important platonic relationships that remind me that people seem to like me I don't feel as if anyone loves me. I rarely get called and invited to do things which sucks. I go to house parties and take people pictures which doesn't always mean that much to me. People seem to like them which is cool, but getting a mass facebook invite means a lot less to me than someone calling or texting to say we should get dinner, or walk around the zoo together. I feel sometimes when i call people i'm imposing on them and being a nuisance so i end up staying on my own more often. Staying in, watching some DVD or listening to a podcast and drawing. I don't just want platonic relationships, I want to feel like i'm important to someone.

i feel if I were to leave Norfolk that no one would really notice and I wonder how much anyone would really care. i want to know that someone would notice and that someone would care but I feel as if i'm just another college student here for a few years before drifting off to some other city. i mean, I'm not planning on living here forever but i have been down here for 5 years this august, shouldn't I feel more like I belong here by now?

i'm slightly annoyed I cried almost the entire time I wrote this. I don't find crying cathartic, i find it annoying and I'm sitting in public, no home internet, but upside no one seems to notice or has said anything so maybe I can pretend I didn't cry while sitting here. I don't know if i feel any better right now having said this, this is something I've admitted to before on my blog and on twitter but maybe i'll stop thinking about it for a while which is almost as good.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello JasmineP. I read your posting, and I want to honor your pain and let you hear from somebody that - you do not deserve the misery that you are under. You are not worthless - you have intrinsic worth - somebody responding in a loving way to your intrinsic worth is not impossible, and there are definite steps in a process that can make somebody responding in a loving way to your intrinsic worth and intimacy resulting quite probable.

I am male, so forgive me if I "mansplain" - men mansplaining sucks, I know, we are dopes and we cannot help it. I have no qualifications except my head is full of crazy-sauce and depression and anxiety and Aspergers, and that I took a long long long time to improve my situation.

Cognitive therapy can help you replace your depressed negative view of yourself with a positive more realistic view.

(Oh yeah, I also love to talk about myself, as all men do, boring stuff about me follows)

I was a virgin until the age of 25, had a breakdown at that age, started working on myself, and now at the age of 41 - I am still quite fucked up. Now I have a wife and a daughter - I traded one set of problems for another set of higher quality problems. I still have a way to go, and I am reminded of the inadequacy of my understanding constantly, even after 16 long years of steady work on myself.

Don't take as long to help yourself as I did.

I had to tear down my own ego defenses and identity defenses, until I was raw and vulnerable enough to give to others exactly what I wanted to receive from others. It hurts like hell, I will not lie. This is part of the only shitty advice I am able to give, because of my limitations.

i'm slightly annoyed I cried almost the entire time I wrote this. I don't find crying cathartic, i find it annoying and I'm sitting in public, no home internet, but upside no one seems to notice or has said anything so maybe I can pretend I didn't cry while sitting here.

I have experienced this. You don't deserve this pain. You deserve better than this, because of your true intrinsic worth.

You know yourself best, no matter how you decide to proceed, everyone here in the forum is cheering for you and cheering for your greatest today and tomorrow. Please take care, and keep us informed about your progress.

[weary]

Hi JasmineP - you are a worthwhile, lovable person. When you get to the point where you are able to love yourself more and be open and authentic with other people and give them the opportunity to love you, they will. If you try you will be surprised. I have had a hard time making and maintaining close friendships most of my life and since a lot of things in my life (marriage, family of origin, career) have gotten fucked up in ways that make me feel very self-conscious and ashamed and afraid to give people a glimpse of how messed up things are (going back 7-8 years now), I've had an even harder time making close connections with people (paradoxically, when we need people the most, some of us withdraw the most). My therapist has been trying to draw me out and get me more emotionally connected to the other people in my therapy group, and that has really helped. I have been pleasantly surprised that when you lay it all out and give people a chance to know and accept and love the real you, most of them will without judgment. And the people who don't? Fuck 'em. People like that aren't worth your time and energy.

That being said, it's possible to be in a relationship with someone that you love, and that you consider your best friend, and still be very lonely if you don't feel good about yourself and you can't advocate for your needs to get met (trust me on that). I know that you really want to feel loved in that special, meaningful way and you want someone to share your happy and sad moments with, and I have every confidence that you will find that person. But that person will not be the source of your happiness - that will have to come from you.

I can relate to your insecurities about doubting your friends. Also of feeling that you don't belong in the place that you are living. In fact, a lot of the feelings you expressed were very familiar to me. And I cry a lot too. In fact, over the past year I have cried more and harder than I have ever cried before, and actually in public with people I don't know all that well (in my therapy group). And that is really difficult for a guy, especially a guy who has spent his adult life being the one who looks like he has his shit together because he feels like everything depends on everyone else believing that.

You sound like a beautiful, sensitive, intelligent person who deserves kindness and compassion from herself and others. Thank you for being on this board and sharing your experience with us.

[JasmineP]

Thanks.

I'm in such a weird fucked up place that even when I was out at a house party, with people i'm closer with and was engaging part of me just felt so isolated and alone. I keep doing that thing where I let the music I'm listening to dictate how I feel so I'm listening to unhappy music and i've started smoking again. Hopefully not more than this one pack i have. I think I smoke as a way to control the bad things I' do to myself, instead of listlessly hating myself and feeling unworthy I'm in control of how I'm negatively treating myself.

It's not really a good idea so I'm going to try to give the pack away to people but I don't know. It's a thing to do.

What was annoying about being out is my friends were happy to see me. These are people I feel shitty for taking for granted but I'm just not in a place where i feel I can appreciate them as much as I know I should. I still want a romantic connection and not just platonic connections and I should appreciate the number of platonic connections I have but i feel a disconnect. Maybe it's a disconnect from myself so I can't engage in others as well because i'm shit at engaging with myself.

[weary]

It sucks to still feel alone when you are not actually literally by yourself. I hear you. Sometimes I feel the most alone when I'm with my wife, because I feel like there is a big wall between us.

If they are your friends, they are your friends. Don't overthink whether you are taking them for granted or they are taking you for granted. Spending time around people who don't suck is a good thing. You can get true emotional intimacy with a large number of people, and my therapist says that is healthier than just being emotionally intimate with one romantic partner. If you can try to deepen those relationships, it may help you connect with yourself better as well as decide what you want in a partner.


What is your unhappy playlist? I know that there is a bit of a generation gap, but when I'm feeling shitty there is a lot of the Cure and Nine Inch Nails going on. Funhouse by P!nk is also a good one when I am feeling particularly shitty about my marriage. However, sometimes I try to put on a song or an album that is one of my all time favorites to change things up, and that give me a little lift - something that I know really well and have known for a very long time. It can help me remember that I haven't always felt this shitty, and sometimes I can believe that I won't always feel this shitty.

[Stina]

Jasmine,

I'm tardy to this "party" but wanted to say that I read your post and that I can relate to so much of what you said. Hang in there.

[fifthsonata]

Well well, it seems as if we could be....friends

You sound a lot like me. I've got into social isolation of my own accord - fear of hurt, combined with depression, has made me terrified of being around people, yet we are all human and crave social interaction, which is a weird dualism.


The first round of therapy I ever received was - well, legitimate, "grown up" therapy - in college. The guy was old, quiet, and wasn't much help but for one session. I explained something similar, as you've outlined here; I also have a rather tomboyish personality. These traits, in females, can be rather intimidating to some. It comes off as strong, standoffish, and fiercely independent. People may be getting the wrong idea from these traits, and unless you're with a crowd of like-minded people, or alpha-type personalities such as yourself, they may think you want nothing to do with them.

When you have such a strong personality, communicating these social needs can be much harder. When you aren't a more socially acceptable "female" type, you have to work harder to let people know you care and are interested in them, y'know?


Please understand I mean this in all due respect, I point these things out because I deal with them myself. I have to make it a little more obvious when I like someone and want to be around them.


It may be out of your comfort zone, but perhaps dip into other social groups or parties at your school? If your friends aren't up for being around when you call, maybe explore a little more elsewhere? In college towns it's much harder to really "push" your way in. I say this with experience - I lived in two different states in two different towns for undergrad and grad school. Most people there don't give a shit about anyone but themselves or they're off in their own world. A lot are struggling just to stay afloat and won't pay attention to others around them. The townsfolk, they tend to ignore college kids unless they're natives themselves, since they come and go quite often.

It's so hard, but let your guard down a bit. It took me a LONG time to do that - and when I did, it was very worth it.



You sound like an intelligent, caring, and empathetic person. You've been blessed with what appears to be the alpha personality, which in women, especially if they don't dress in a feminine manner, can be socially isolating.

[JasmineP]

I've been a bit of a ghost and I'm trying to get back here a bit now and respond to people. Class was stress and anxiety for a bit then physical pain and being tired. i spent a bunch of time working.

--

Weary,

i do value that I don't have an individual person to lean on but sometimes it seems like it would be nice to have someone who thought I was special and went out of their way for me. I wish I had someone to focus on and give things to. i feel as if my wheels are spinning. i know I should live for myself but at the same time it would feel nice to do something for someone else because they care. I've mentioned before that my mother is not alive and i think in a way i've been spinning my wheels without her. My father doesn't care and my brothers and I have an okay relationship. The one person who was always on my side was my mother. My grandmother tries but she also gives me advice i cannot use, it's just too old fashioned and irrelevant. It doesn't fit who i am, it fits who she wants me to be, those are very different people.

My unhappy playlist is predominantly listening to Littlest Man Band, Always Sayin' is one of my favorite songs from the album. it depends on the day, some days I just want something i know the lyrics to that i sing with. i also like the Fuck Buttons, their album Tarot Sport especially, they're a sound/chaos band. I get lost in the repetitive nature of the songs. Some of the songs from Cowboy Bebop, it's jazz. Jazz and blues are also great for me when i'm down. Tom Waits, Nina Simone, others.

--

Stina
thanks. I try
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fifthsonata

thanks, i know i have a strong personality but i've never consider myself to be all that alpha but it probably fits more than i've considered it. Every time i've liked someone I at least try inviting them to do things, I'm too unsure of myself to say anything point blank because I don't always trust what I feel. On a weird upside, while drunk at a party I at least had the courage to tell a guy i found him attractive. I'm generally too self-conscious to say something like that while sober (but i can make dirty jokes till the cows come home while sober. Emotions, entirely different story.) i don't know what it'll take for me to let my guard down but being around new people pushes it higher. i'm not sure how much that'll help but maybe I can try something like that a little bit this fall.

thanks.

[weary]

i do value that I don't have an individual person to lean on but sometimes it seems like it would be nice to have someone who thought I was special and went out of their way for me. I wish I had someone to focus on and give things to. i feel as if my wheels are spinning. i know I should live for myself but at the same time it would feel nice to do something for someone else because they care. I've mentioned before that my mother is not alive and i think in a way i've been spinning my wheels without her. My father doesn't care and my brothers and I have an okay relationship. The one person who was always on my side was my mother. My grandmother tries but she also gives me advice i cannot use, it's just too old fashioned and irrelevant. It doesn't fit who i am, it fits who she wants me to be, those are very different people.

Do your best to focus on yourself, think that you yourself are special and give nice things to yourself first. That will give you the strength and compassion and clarity to find and make it work with a person who will do the same to you and let you do the same for them.

And don't overlook the little things that you can do for yourself and for others. You can do nice things for lots of people and they will care. I care when you post something thoughtful on here.

[JasmineP]

In a way you posted this on one of the best days you could. I try to find a supportive way to connect with people here. There are a lot of things I can't relate to but I try to empathize with because life is difficult. The 21st is important because it would have been my mother's 56th birthday, I kind of glossed over what day yesterday was since I had a headache the entire day but her birthday and deathday are two of the most difficult for me to deal with sometimes. I think about her all the time, sometimes negatively, sometimes positively. I remember she was human, flawed and hurt and she did the best she could raising us.

I try to give myself nice things but it's difficult sometimes to separate the nice from the necessary and deserving something nice. I mean, I haven't really taken a vacation in about 2 years and that was with my family and stressful. The biggest thing I'm doing for myself will be going to a comic convention in September. it's an important one for indie comics and i'm looking forward to meeting some of my webcomic and indie comic idols and making friends with people i've only spoken with online. It's not a real vacation because it's tightly sandwiched between school one weekend but i finally have the money to go and the time to make the drive to go. i just haven't had the time to really do something special with school, it's been five and a half years, i'm almost done and i'll finally have time to do what I want without having to squeeze it in around my education based obligations.

i do have a lot of friends, I need to remember that and tell them i care about them more. it's not always easy and I'm sometimes so joyed to see him i forget to actually say it. Like today, i got to see my best friend and we got to talk for a while. I had this whole thing I wanted to say and I kind of forgot and wanted to just bask in being near him and i forgot about the things he does that worry and infuriate me. I'm like that with people in my school town too, i'm just so happy to be around them i forget to say it.