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JasmineP wrote:i'm slightly annoyed I cried almost the entire time I wrote this. I don't find crying cathartic, i find it annoying and I'm sitting in public, no home internet, but upside no one seems to notice or has said anything so maybe I can pretend I didn't cry while sitting here.
JasmineP wrote:i do value that I don't have an individual person to lean on but sometimes it seems like it would be nice to have someone who thought I was special and went out of their way for me. I wish I had someone to focus on and give things to. i feel as if my wheels are spinning. i know I should live for myself but at the same time it would feel nice to do something for someone else because they care. I've mentioned before that my mother is not alive and i think in a way i've been spinning my wheels without her. My father doesn't care and my brothers and I have an okay relationship. The one person who was always on my side was my mother. My grandmother tries but she also gives me advice i cannot use, it's just too old fashioned and irrelevant. It doesn't fit who i am, it fits who she wants me to be, those are very different people.
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