I am not arguing with you, even if it seems that way. I am just typing out exactly what is foremost in my mind, not caring right now if it is true or false or reasonable or unreasonable.
DISI wrote:That said, if you don't have at least a kernel of hope in the therapy process that you're willing to hold onto and nurture, then now is not the time to start therapy. I know from my own experience with multiple therapists that it doesn't work very well when I,
 secretly expect the process to fail and I deliberately kill hope before it can grow,
 go into it with my own strong ideas about what therapy should be like, and
 hide things from my therapist.
This is a very good point. " if you don't have at least a kernel of hope in the therapy process that you're willing to hold onto and nurture..." is a good description of where my head is at. "secretly expect the process to fail..." also
I don't have a problem with hiding things, because hiding things causes inner tension, and I immediately break the inner tension by telling the truth because I fight against inner tension. Part of it is also growing up with an alcoholic parent, I am used to outer-tension and violence and things being emotionally charged, so I will take steps to escalate the outer situation, and that is compatible with telling the truth out loud in very shocking terms
"go into it with my own strong ideas about what therapy should be like" I wish to God that it was another me standing there, but that second me would have strength at the exact moment I have none
I am so terrified of judgement at the exact moment that I need leniency, and leniency at the very moment I need judgement is dangerous to my future
"find someone you can build trust with..." they will be stupid, and cold and callus and only interested in getting paid and protecting their own ego, and lazy, and they will take the very first opportunity to block a real connection
"allow someone else to be the expert in the room" means putting up with them protecting their ego in a thuggish unthinking way, and letting them always put the blame on exactly the things that I have the least control over, which is another way of allowing them to protect their ego even if the therapy fails
"deliberately keep hope alive that it could help you" is then impossible, because I would feel so relieved if my therapist was someone with experience who was strong when I was weak, and who held me to a high standard over the things I have the most control over right now - but that will never happen, because it will be a cold, petty, willful, egotistic, vindictive, blame-passing person[[[ actually, this is a ray of hope, I like this description:
[A] therapist has experience helping people
[B] is strong and supportive when I am weak
[C] will hold me to a high standard over the things I have the most control over right now
this seems very possible, and very nice, this would be wonderful, and doesn't seem impossible ]]]
DISI wrote:What if I told you I was in really terrible physical shape? Let's say I'm 35, very overweight, very sedentary, with a very poor diet, very low quality of life, with perhaps imminent risk to my life. Then I told you that I tried getting into better shape years ago and "it didn't work." You may say something like this: Dan, it's always going to be your choice how you manage your life. There is no such thing as perfect health, and you can count on it being difficult, but most people find that improving their health is one of the best investments they can make anyway. I would only ask that when we talk, that you please stick to genuine feelings and things you know to be true. If you're not sure about something, just say you're not sure.
I am not going to assume this is confession, because I want you to have control over the power dynamic here. I am not going to assume that my autobiography is an appropriate because human suffering deserves dignity and breaking down all that would isolate humans from each other.
I like your description of your therapist very much, because that kind of speaking is consistent with [A] not taking advantage of power dynamic [B] not bullying with an autobiography [C] dignity [D] breaking down all that would isolate humans from each other
That is wonderful.
I am not comparing situations or trying to claim universality of my personal experience. I am overweight with a fatty liver. I am bothered by my inability to stay away from harmful foods, and my disinterest in focused exercise for weight loss. Or my disinterest in weighing myself regularly.
I will come back to this issues, this is a lot of typing.
All the best, take care, we are all cheering for your very best today and tomorrow!
[[ By the way, I deleted all my RSS feeds, and my Reddit account, and my G+ circles this morning, because I need more time for writing what is inside my head. I hope this is a good thing, I do feel good about it ]]