I feel like I have been losing my grip and then just barely hanging on for years at this point. Things have gotten really bad over the past year, and after a bit of a lull, they have gotten bad again over the last month or two. I've written about a lot of it already, and I don't want to just get in the habit of repeating myself or just venting all of the stuff that has happened in the last day or week.
I'm confused, exhausted, sad, and angry. I know that I have problems, and I have been working on them for a long time. I am trying to take better care of myself, build up my self-esteem, keep promises to myself and stop procrastinating, set good healthy boundaries, and get in touch with my wants and needs so that I can be authentic and connect with other people in a more meaningful way. I just feel like I need a lot more love and support and assistance (or at least different forms of it) than I feel are available or forthcoming in my marriage.
And there are a lot of stresses created by my wife's issues that are really working against the work that I am trying to do on myself.
I am so tired of dealing with her anxiety and depression and the chaos that she brings to my life. On one hand, we have been having some better discussions lately about things. But it is still painful and stressful to try to discuss our real core problems, and I still feel like so much has to change and I am not hopeful about it happening. I feel stuck and trapped.
Some moments I am ok. My wife and I are getting along and even having some relaxed fun some of the time. But I know deep down that it's because we're avoiding talking about difficult issues. And we do need that break for a while, but sometimes I think she can just live in that denial indefinitely, and I keep getting pulled back to how uncomfortable and unfair our relationship has been.
I've gotten to the point that whenever I am doing something that feels good, I feel guilty - because I must be doing something wrong if I am feeling good. If not completely morally wrong, at least something that will upset/hurt my wife. Because the things that feel better are opening up and emotionally connecting with other people (some of them women), and she is angry that it is hard for me to communicate all of my feelings to her. The thing is, it doesn't feel good to talk to her most of the time, especially about difficult things, or to express thoughts and feelings that upset or hurt her. Her reactions hurt and scare me sometimes, and I feel very emotionally manipulated. It is really fucking painful and stressful. I can't sort a lot of this shit out alone, and I feel like pressure and intrusion from my wife has made it harder to journal, to confide in my therapist, to feel like it is OK to make new friends and connect with them.
Right now, I feel completely overwhelmed with work and career stuff, family and legal bullshit, and dealing with the chaos with my marriage at home. I haven't had an appointment with my therapist in almost a month. I am having a hard time getting enough sleep or exercise or eating as well as I should. I am in a bit of a dry spell in connecting with other people for the last few weeks. I have all of this confusion, frustration, worry and sadness locked in my head that I have no outlet for, and it is driving me crazy.