first, I'm so happy to hear from you heart, i was worried.
second, and this is ridiculous ironic coming from me, never apologize for posting on here. this is a safe place to work out some of your feelings. were are all here to encourage and support you.
i think it's okay if you're a little detached from this right now, i can understand why being fully present with what happened would give you extreme anxiety.
i'm so happy to hear that you're in therapy and getting help working through this.
lastly, promise to try to stop blaming yourself. it doesn't matter that you were drunk and irresponsible (seems like you were still extremely responsible by taking care of the rest of your friends). This is not your fault. you'll be able to work through it. it hurts now, but it will get better.
lots of love,
sometimes, it's okay if the only thing you did today was breathe