From under my bed covers...

[Rosie]

Heart = it won't be easy but I totally agree you need to acknowledge this was a terrible thing, but do it with professionals in a safe place. If you deal with this now you have a chance to move on from it, I am so sorry this happened to you. Sending my love to you, take care x

[heart]

Hi I'm kind of embarrassed for my posts. I was really depressed when I posted them. Just really numb and not really understanding what had happened. I don't really know how to explain this but I feel like I owe everyone an explanation for being so dumb. I'm not the most articulate person so I'm sorry if it is still very incoherent. I have a therapist now and we've had our initial session and I think he understands my thought processes really well.

I was very drunk when it happened. And I just didn't really think about it afterward to be honest I had to haul all my very wasted friends home and made sure they were in their beds and that they all had their phones. Every time my mind went there anxiety just kind of exploded in me. My heart went on overdrive and my breathing was so shallow. And I'd just focus on breathing right for the nest 10 minutes and all those thoughts just slide away really. But this weird gross and sad feeling always lingered for the day. I don't know how to describe it. Just a sort of darkness like depression but it revolted me so much. Disgust rises up inside me and I feel like hurting myself. I don't know why maybe its because 'm mad at myself for not being able to protect myself or maybe because I feel like I deserve it. I'll talk about it more with my therapist.

I really don't know how to apologize for those posts I read back them and I seemed so careless. I know I do detach from and minimize a lot of bad things in my life because I don't want it to spill over and hurt other people like it did when I was younger. And I can recognize that I'm still very detached from it but maybe its best for now. So if my recklessness has hurt anyone I'm sorry. Thanks for being so supportive and I am touched by how patient and kind you people are especially when I'm being so irresponsible.

[jenloiacono]

first, I'm so happy to hear from you heart, i was worried.

second, and this is ridiculous ironic coming from me, never apologize for posting on here. this is a safe place to work out some of your feelings. were are all here to encourage and support you.

i think it's okay if you're a little detached from this right now, i can understand why being fully present with what happened would give you extreme anxiety.

i'm so happy to hear that you're in therapy and getting help working through this.

lastly, promise to try to stop blaming yourself. it doesn't matter that you were drunk and irresponsible (seems like you were still extremely responsible by taking care of the rest of your friends). This is not your fault. you'll be able to work through it. it hurts now, but it will get better.

lots of love,

Jennifer

[in_media_res]

Hi heart, don't worry, and don't apologize.

Not much time to talk, but I'm glad you're ok. Perhaps more later, but don't be embarrassed.