Benzos have ruined my brain?

[Mooncrater]

First off, I suffer from clinical depression and have since birth. I have in the past taken various medications for short periods of time with little success. Two years ago I was suffering from high stress and anxiety resulting in sleep issues. A general MD prescribed me .5mg of Clonazepam at bedtime. I made a life changing mistake by NOT investigating Clonazepam and Benzodiazepines. I was upped to 1mg at bedtime after 6 months and as I came into my 14 month on this drug, I was so tranquilized and in such a "cog fog", that I could barely function. This drug slowly rewired my brain and then delivered the death blow by changing all my body functions and reasoning. My business feel apart, I lost my vehicle, RV, recreational equipment and a 30 year 780+ credit score. My life completely tanked in a little over year from this shit! At this stage, I continue to suffer greatly from what is known as "Protracted Withdraw Syndrome". I remain in a fixed cognitive fog that is terrifying. I have been clean since December 26, 2010 - my diet is as healthy as a person can eat, I exercise intensely as I have always been in fantastic shape and I take proper healthy vitamins (careful to not promote irregular brain activity), but none of this has made a bit of difference. The reason for this post is that my depression has risen to a level that I can barely hang on. This has never been the case with me. I am so lost and so terrified that I am damaged beyond healing that I don't know what or where to turn? I am so gun shy about taking any more medication that might rewire my brain and cause more problems, but I am so weak that I have actually found myself thinking about anti-depressants... again?. But then a huge rush of anxiety hits me and I force myself to discard any notion of exploring another medication. I just don't know what to do in terms of drugs at this point. I keep hearing people talk about their terrible side effects yet the depression is worse and they are willing to put up with the SXs? If they are anything like what I experienced with Benzodiazepines - NO WAY!! What to do??

[manuel_moe_g]

I read your whole post, Mooncrater, and I honor your pain. You were profoundly harmed from the doctors that should have been treating you.

I don't have any advice - the only person in a position to help you is someone with your experience with exactly these drugs.

Please seek out a therapist to guide you through Dialectical behavior therapy, which many would consider your last, best hope for crippling anxiety.

More resources on this board:

This board: options for people who are dead broke

This board: Best Insurance Companies/Types for Mental Health Care

All the best, take care, we are cheering for your best today and tomorrow!

[Mooncrater]

Thank you for taking the time and being receptive. I am in the process of seeking the necessary help before I regret it.

[addie]

I remain in a fixed cognitive fog that is terrifying. I have been clean since December 26, 2010 - my diet is as healthy as a person can eat, I exercise intensely as I have always been in fantastic shape and I take proper healthy vitamins (careful to not promote irregular brain activity), but none of this has made a bit of difference. The reason for this post is that my depression has risen to a level that I can barely hang on. This has never been the case with me. I am so lost and so terrified that I am damaged beyond healing that I don't know what or where to turn?

[Mooncrater]

I truly believe that my brain is damaged and now in the last 9 months I have experienced multiple body issues and complications.
I am at the edge and it is becoming unbearable.
I have tried so many things and now with the situational depression, I can't cope.
Suicide hotline has helped, but it was short lived.
I am so scared!

[indigo]

Mooncrater, I personally have not taken benzo's but one of the med's I'm on, Lamictal, seems to have caused me a good deal of brain fog. It is frustrating and scary. I would suggest giving the possibility of depression meds a chance. If you are already suffering regarding the brain fog, and it sounds like you've tried to remedy it as best you can with diet/exercise/etc, but the depression is taking you to the brink and not letting up it seems important to address it first and foremost. One way or another you need help. I hate trying to find a doc or therapist who is truly helpful and/or a med that works, it sucks and is a pain in the ass. But the potential positives are worth the effort if you can just keep trying. You may meet a doc that not only can help with your depression but may have some answers regarding the other benzo side effects you are still suffering from.

My second small bit of advice is, if you haven't listened to the Maria Bamford episode yet, give it a listen. She talks about med's and her experience with brain fog, she's really open and so funny. It may give you some moments of peace or distraction or maybe even some laughter.

Hang in there and know that there is support out there, on this forum and somewhere in the world of mental health professionals.

[Died1000deaths]

I have been on lorazepam for 3 years...i totally understand..trying to cut down now .basically i cant sleep if i dont take it..supplementing with melatonin

[Mooncrater]

I continue to struggle.
I don't have the mental strength to type out all the challenges faced since my last post, but I am doing what I can to stay safe and attempt to keep my head above water. I still experience lingering side effects from the benzo after almost 2.5 years cold turkey. I have researched so much in that time and I am convinced that stopping the medication abruptly was the wrong thing to do and has caused much of the protracted symptoms if not resulted in permanent damage?
It is Monday May 13, 2013 at 3:25PM CDT and I am in a "wave" of depression that is scary. I have to make something happen before the end of this month financially or I am going to be in serious trouble. I don't want to lose what personal belongings I have left and I sure don't want to face being out on the street. I WON"T be able to face that situation. I have been lucky in the fact that it has been unseasonably cool here in north Texas, but the summer is coming any week now and the heat will be on! I am a winter person and not a summer person. The Texas heat is dreadful especially when one is suffering.
That is enough of my personal reflection which is probably not worth anyone's time to read, but I find comfort in knowing others are working through these challenges as well.
Being alone in all this is the most difficult part.
I do have a previous companion that I am so very thankful for. She continues to help as much as she can. If she wasn't there or decided to abandon me after all I put her through I would not be here.
I hope we all find courage and strength.

[Mooncrater]

Hey Died1000deaths,
What are your symptoms and mental condition(s)?
I have gathered a ton of information and found some helpful sites that might steer you in a less painful direction in your journey to stop lorazepam.