I recently made up an online dating profile, and the whole experience feels inauthentic: the search, the profiles, probably even my own profile (mostly by omission). I do not like to include information that is very personal, not even out of fear of judgment by people I do not know, but rather safety (I just don't know who could be on such a site, so it's more for privacy concerns). Anyway, I guess I have been starting to burn out on views of profiles of individuals who list the number of countries they have traveled to, drop names of top institutions where they have worked and studied, and appear to have used a thesaurus to write their profiles. I am not downplaying the significance of such achievements (I am a lover of travel and education myself), and yes, in a dating profile, you want to make the best impression of yourself within just that limit of text. It just feels sad that I'm order to find people who we think will love us, we are expected to define our identity in this way.
What I really seek is either a partner or friend who is compassionate, gentle, and loving. Possibly someone I could relate to in terms of issues I have experienced and continue to experience. I could be more detailed, I suppose, about the type of partner I think would be great for me...but I am not pushing to find something like that at this moment.
Right now, I very badly want a person to be affectionate with, and not necessarily in a sexual way. It is hard for me to find people I feel emotionally safe and physically safe enough with to request that we platonically share a bed for the night, or hold one another, and maybe even cry together. I personally don't know anyone who I would feel comfortable asking for that level of intimacy, and attempting to seek something of that nature out online, especially as a woman, is downright scary. It is ironic to receive messages from men on an online dating site (sometimes extremely intrusive messages), but to never be able to ask for what I need from anyone in person or real life.
I sometimes feel very lonely and sad, or anxious, or all of it. Sometimes I just want to hide under my kitchen table because the space of my apartment feels too big, and for someone to join me underneath, hold me, and tell me it's going to be all right. Sometimes I sob in bed at night, feeling empty and alone. Just like last night - Friday night. Yep, none of this is in my dating profile, and in real life, I think people seem to think of me as well-adjusted.
I found some sites on paying for cuddle services. It makes me sad that people feel they need to pay for something that should be welcome and available to anyone. I wonder if there is a safe way of finding what I, and seemingly others, are looking for?