Dr. Zucker #1

[Paul Gilmartin]

IvyFailure,

The gray area is what is so hard. Fitting the background of this is gray. I think what is important is our feelings. I think we can sort through our feelings without necessarily having to confront someone. Then we have the luxury of changing our perspective as we heal. Obviously saying these things on a public podcast about my mom, I wanted to tread carefully and present the facts. I don't want to call her anything I will regret. Even though I'm quite sure she will never hear it.

I do think we need to have compassion for our parents. I have a lot of compassion for my mother. I don't hate her, I'm not angry with her. One of my greatest wishes is for her to get the love she so desperately wants. But I can't give it to her, because she wants it in a package that makes me ill. For years I was furious at her. I"m not anymore. I can see her as the sick person she is. I've forgiven her, but I can't keep going back to a situation that hurts, and isn't going to change. Someday I might, but right now, I don't feel like it. I'm just going to take it one day at a time. You guys and Dr. Zucker and my wife have guided me there, and I will be forever grateful.

The lotion being applied by your mom creeps sounds so violating. There is no reason why a 12 year-old boy can't put lotion on his own penis. I think the question then becomes, how do we move forward knowing we will never know their intentions FOR SURE. That's the 64,000 dollar question. And that's where I am right now. But it is greatly comforting to hear people tell me, whether it can be called sexual abuse or not, it wasn't appropriate and I have a right to feel pain or discomfort about it. And lets remember we were children and they were adults.

[soliloquy]

I've listened to every podcast so far, and this one affected me more than all the other ones combined. I got chills when you talked so candidly about your mom, Paul. I have a mom who crossed boundaries with my sisters and I, especially when we were in our teens. I had to learn what was and was not appropriate from my more "normal" friends when I'd go to their houses.

I just had to write something to show I heard. You are a beautiful person Paul, and I wish I could have hugged you.

Jenn

[shallowgal]

Great episode, Paul... just listened today and had to come here & post about it. Thanks for sharing your story.

(what? no "hugs" emoticons?? -----> this will have to do for now. )

[sandy]

Paul,
I just watched a new PBS show on Johnny Carson and his relationship with his mother reminded me of you with yours. It was just heartbreaking the way she withheld approval. He tells a story of calling her all excited because he found out he will get the Governor's award and she says "well, I guess they know what they're doing." There were also hints of inappropriate boundaries. He says when he was a boy he would demonstrate card tricks for her while she was in the bath tub. She also said she preferred having girl children over boys because boys were dirty and nasty. Perhaps having difficulties in common with the great Johnny Carson could give you a small measure of comfort? I just remembered that Jonathan Winters did a WTF with Marc Maron in which he describes the horrible things his mother did to him. That's two Comedy Greats who share your heartache. I hope you are feeling better. I love the podcast.

[jeesau]

Hi, just listened to the podcast yesterday. Bravo, Paul! So moving how you shared your very difficult and painful story. I felt my own shame from 30 years ago creeping in just listening, but it was good to know it was just a faded, distant memory of shame.

Also, Dr. Zucker's practical advice on therapists was quite useful, even to an old therapy veteran like myself. Thanks and hugs.

[KJPG]

Dr. Zucker is my therapist. That's all I have to say.