Small Talk, Never Been Molested, Etc.

[LaiLaiGirl]

When Michaela Watkins talked about hating small talk, I just wanted to shout out "Yes!" I despise small talk, yet it seems like the only way to make it today. I'm an introvert, so I hate talking and social situations in the first place.

Sometimes when people ask me how I'm doing, instead of "good" or "I'm fine," I tell them how I'm really doing (i.e., crappy, stressed, etc.), and the response seems the same -- either no response or "Oh I see." And that's the end of the conversation. Does anybody really care how you are doing???

Second, sometimes I feel like I have no right to be upset about things in my life because I've never had anything tragic happen to me. I've never been molested, my parents aren't divorced, no one super close to me has died, and I've never turned to drugs or alcohol.

But I have such deep feelings of worthlessness and not being as [insert adjective here] as [insert name here]. I remember one time I was *trying* to talk to my mom about my feelings. She basically told me those are not problems, and to think how much worse off I would be if I were in my best friend's shoes (her father at the time had recently committed suicide).

My own demons exist in my head -- that voice in my head that will not turn off. I remember praying to God that he'd just kill me because I have no use on this Earth. This is when I was a little kid. My mom used to give me the silent treatment for days (which seemed like years) when I didn't do something. It hurt so bad and makes me tear up now just thinking about it. Am I being childish about this? Does anyone feel this way?

[in_media_res]

My mom used to give me the silent treatment for days (which seemed like years) when I didn't do something.

Your mother was dismissive of your feelings -- to the point of not speaking to you for days on end -- and nothing tragic has ever happened to you? I'm not a therapist, but it seems no wonder that you question your own emotions and your worth. You've been told they don't matter, indeed that you yourself don't matter, by someone vital in your life.

I think that's deeply tragic. How old were you at the time? I'm not sure that actually makes a difference -- being shut out like that has to be traumatic at any age -- but it seems incredibly abusive to do something like that to a child or young person.

In general, I think it's not useful to try and compare your responses to life's misfortunes to how someone else responds to similar (or "worse") situations. People are much too different, and your response to any given event is inevitably the consequence of a lifetime of experience. Someone else's experience is, obviously, different -- so they're going to respond in different ways. Pain is pain.

For what it's worth, and to try and answer your question about whether others feel this way, I can assure you that yes, they do. I've experienced a lot in my life. There are things that others would probably laugh off, and others more serious. They all hurt, in their own way.

The important thing, I think, is to try and learn to have compassion for yourself. If something hurts you, I'm not sure how important it is what others think, or whether they'd be as troubled by it as you. You have a right to feel pain and sorrow. I hope you'll find a way to find peace -- I'm confident that if you start by acknowledging your pain, and work at it, you'll find a way.

Good luck.

[jenloiacono]

so much of what you said resonates with me. please forgive me, it's sort of hard for me to talk about right now because i'm in the throws of dealing with this, but i can assure you that you are NOT being childish about it.

sometimes I feel like I have no right to be upset about things in my life because I've never had anything tragic happen to me.

having your mother, who is supposed to show you unconditional love, dismiss your feelings and dismiss you as a person is absolutely something you have a right to be upset about. it is tragic. your emotional needs were not met as a child, you did not get what you deserved, and you have every right to be upset about that.

you are not alone, and we are all here to support and encourage you as you work through these feelings you're having. remember, you have every right to feel the way you do. NO feelings are wrong.

[LaiLaiGirl]

in_media_res - The earliest memory I have it was when I was probably 5 or 6. I remember one time when I was in elementary school, my teacher said the best present is something handmade because it comes from the heart. Usually my mom would give me (and my dad, but never my older brother) the silent treatment around her birthday. So, I made her a card. It was on lined paper, and I used all that I had at home -- a few crayons and a few colored pencils.

Wanna know what happened to that card? I saw it in the trash. I was probably 8 or 9. I'm 33 years old now and never forgot about that. When I lived at home, I'd always dread her birthday coming up. I'd always have to have something lined up for a gift so she'd talk to me.

jenlolacono - Thanks for the encouragement. I guess it's only when I get to feeling the lowest of low that I remember these things happened.

I remember one time when I was in college. My mom got pissed off at me for something (it had something to do with paying my tuition after a certain date so she could get some sort of tax break. I guess I paid it too early, so she wasn't going to get that tax break that year). She scolded me. I was probably 19 or 20 then. I felt so stupid. I cried and cried and wanted to end it all. It got so bad that I tried hanging myself in my closet. I will never forget that moment... what I saw. I felt like I was sitting in the middle of a dark street with headlights whizzing by me.

My dad found me and tried to console me, but not long after he asked me, "Why are you doing this? You watch too much TV!" That was his first reaction. This is a reaction I expected.

My mom has always called me "OA" for overacting. Guess it's no wonder I bottle up my feelings 'til I feel the urge to beat myself to a bloody pulp. That hasn't happened yet, though. I've only gotten a few bruises. I try to prevent myself from beating myself because I don't want anyone to think my boyfriend -- the most loving person on this Earth who I sometimes wonder why is still with me -- did this to me.

So, yeah, I guess I'm emotionally scarred. Got so many stories to tell. This has been cathartic.

[Stina]

Second, sometimes I feel like I have no right to be upset about things in my life because I've never had anything tragic happen to me. I've never been molested, my parents aren't divorced, no one super close to me has died, and I've never turned to drugs or alcohol.

Oh gosh, LaiLai, your post resonates so much with me, this part especially. I felt that way when my depression first struck and I got into therapy.

Continue the sharing, continue the catharsis! We're reading, my fellow introvert.

[jenloiacono]

My mom has always called me "OA" for overacting. Guess it's no wonder I bottle up my feelings 'til I feel the urge to beat myself to a bloody pulp.

oh wow, do i relate to this. if i was happy or excited my mom would call my hyper and tell me i had to settle down, and if i was upset i was over reacting, hyper sensitive, etc. everything was framed in the negative. it's no wonder i found a way to release my feelings so no one (or so i thought) could see them and shame me for them, through cutting/self injury.

hang in there. remember that your feelings are real, and they are important, and they are okay.

[LaiLaiGirl]

Maybe this is kind of twisted, but I guess I can laugh about it now.

I can be very scatter brained and completely forget stuff. I am the Queen of losing things -- temporarily (keys, comb, etc.) and permanently (friends). So, I was about 14 and it was summer. No school meant staying home with my mom (dad worked and my mom was a stay-at-home mom). So, she calls me over and asks if I had cash she could borrow. I said okay.

I looked for my wallet where it *should've* been. Of course it wasn't there. I panicked. I knew my mom would be pissed. She had noticed it took me a while, so she asked what was taking me so long.

I quietly told her, "I lost my wallet."

Guess what? My mom got pissed off at me, called me a few choice words, then whacked me -- HARD -- with a broom handle. Not just any broom handle. We're Asian, so we have one of these brooms with a handle probably made of several sticks all bundled together.

It stung. For days. It was red for weeks. Talk about leaving a mark.

Anyway, the "funny" part of this story is that I found my wallet. It was under the sofa. And when I found it, I remembered that I had put it there -- absent-mindedly -- while I was watching TV the night before.

My mom apologized, and I accepted. I will never understand, though, why she felt it fit to hit me. Guess she wanted to knock the stupid out of me.

[Stina]

Guess she wanted to knock the stupid out of me.

Too bad that doesn't work!!


Listening to Michaela's episode now... I definitely related to the emotional needs NOT being met as a child.

[in_media_res]

It stung. For days. It was red for weeks. Talk about leaving a mark.

LaiLaiGirl, I'm so sorry. It sounds like you experienced a lot of emotional and physical abuse growing up. I hope that you have some resources in your life -- therapy especially -- to help you work through these memories. I have some similar issues in my life, particularly with my mother. It seems to be a pretty common thread in many of these discussions. I spent a lot of time in therapy trying to work through what happened, understand what was happening with my parents -- my mother in particular -- and I was able to get to a point where I could understand some of these things. It doesn't erase the memory, but it can help in being able to let go of some of the pain, and in healing.

I hope that will happen for you, soon. It takes time, an it requires some work, but it is possible. Good luck; I'm sure you'll find lots of support and friendship here.