Episode 319: I Worry I'm Unlovable - Pauly David

Episode 319: I Worry I'm Unlovable - Pauly David

Postby SpookyGhost » February 24th, 2017, 9:04 am

The co-host of YouTube's Pauly & Monks show shares about feeling unlovable, not being a good enough partner, trying to always "fix" other people, having to be an adult in his family at nine, learning to equate money with love and being rejected by relatives for being gay. Oh and his Bruce Willis-admiring grandfather shooting his grandmother.

Follow Pauly on Twitter @PaulyDavid and Instagram @PaulyDavid1

Check out the Pauly & Monks show on YouTube and on Twitter @PaulyandMonks

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Re: Episode 319: I Worry I'm Unlovable - Pauly David

Postby Namu » September 10th, 2017, 9:30 am

I found this interview pretty upsetting. I was aware of it at the time, but have been surprised at the strength of the residual effects. I recognize that we're all works in progress, and that talking about difficult topics is bound to lead to people saying things that others find upsetting, but this one triggered me more than any other I've listened to so far -- more even than the interviews describing previously unimagined-by-me forms of abuse. In those, the content is upsetting but the victim/survivor him/her/themself feels safe and "clean." In this interview, it was the present words and expressed feelings -- not some past, concluded trauma -- that felt violent.

What I found upsetting about this interview was the serial scorn expressed by Pauly. He sneered at one demographic after another. For instance, he's ashamed of his body, but takes joy in discovering that he's a "god" every time he leaves LA. (I understand him to be saying that the vast majority of us losers are beyond disgusting, and that, if we live outside LA, our perspectives are skewed, and we shouldn't trust any sense we might have of our bodies being good enough.)

In another instance of "hating": I agree with Pauly's position (hardly unusual) that the Black Lives Matter is a legitimate cause, that BLM doesn't dismiss or minimize the fact that all lives matter, and that there is very good reason to say and hear the message that black lives matter. I don't support the negative energy he related bringing to the exchange with the transvestite who disagreed with him online. Disagreement, even if we're right and the other person's deluded, doesn't have to include judgment, dismissal, or scorn.

He was clearly frustrated with his family, and tried to be respectful by keeping things vague. But his impatience with the cousin in crisis who failed to behave as Pauly thought appropriate, despite Pauly's being "so much more than helpful," felt very familiar. I have a brother who is relentlessly convinced that he has the solution for everyone else's problems, the only tragedy being that people so often fail to listen -- i.e., fail to run their lives according to his advice. I was shoveling snow once. I'm really into efficiency, and was aware of more efficient ways to do it, but at the time I was also needing exercise, as well as a break from holiday family dynamics. I was making the most of the task, taking extra time and effort for the sake of meeting those other needs. Brother came out and showed me how much more efficiently one could shovel snow. He didn't ask me anything, like, "Are you up for a suggestion?", or, "Huh. You're usually so efficient. I'm curious: Is there some reason you're not taking some really obvious, common sense measures to maximize snow removal and minimize investment of time and effort?" He didn't ask anything, so I didn't offer any reply (except maybe "okay" or, with dubious honesty, "thanks"), and he went back inside. I continued shoveling according to my multiple goals, and he came back out to show me again. It seemed that he believed that I had failed to understand him, or hadn't listened to him hard enough. Not responding to his initial suggestion with an explanation of my choices may seem passive-aggressive, but I have learned that entering such conversations with him is an unproductive drag. Plus, it's not in my nature to engage in conversations about the best way to do things that really don't matter. Plus, I didn't anticipate that failing to engage with him in that way would lead to a repeat lesson.

He interprets his wealth and comfort as evidence that he has the answers. Other people's suffering, or their simply making choices that are not the choices he imagines he would make in a similar situation, he takes as evidence that his assistance is needed. Other people's failing to comply with his attempts at management is, to him, evidence of willfulness, stupidity, or inexplicably insufficient desire for help. I do want and need help, and I ask for it from everyone I can find who might be willing and able to help. My brother is not able to provide help of the sort I need, but he believes that I am "just" unwilling to accept help.

I venture to guess that Pauly's cousin doesn't find the "so much more than helpful" quality of Pauly's involvement actually helpful after all, and that either the cousin tried (unsuccessfully) to explain to Pauly why his offered assistance wasn't actually what was needed, or had learned from experience that Pauly can't understand such a thing, no matter how one might try to communicate it. Obviously, I'm seeing through my own filters; obviously, I could be wrong.

I don't believe I'm wrong about there being a corrosive quality to the way Pauly's insecurities often manifest. He said people tend to think he's a lot younger than 40, and it's very easy to imagine how that could happen. I think I would enjoy his conversation a lot more with another 10 or 20 years of growth under his belt.

If Paul found Pauly's conversation troubling, he did a fantastic job of managing a difficult interview. The more I listen, the more respect I have for Paul's skills and maturity. You go, boy!
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