I've started CBT to try to stop the self-hatred

[Rosie]

I hate myself, my body and my weaknesses. I don't want to do this anymore so I've started Cognitive Behaviour Therapy to reverse my feelings about myself. I'm alone in this world because I feel I am just not good enough for anyone. I've started dating (match.com) but don't think I'm ready to deal with any possible rejection because when they don't call I immediately think its because I'm fat, fat, fat or they can see through me and see my depression. I know I need to be rational but rejection just sends me to the depths of depression (I was kicked out at 14 and then 17 by my dad and my mum didn't stop him). I want to find love, but perhaps I need to complete my therapy before I can do that...Anyone with any suggestions? Rosie

[manuel_moe_g]

I want to find love, but perhaps I need to complete my therapy before I can do that...

Love is scary. I have been together with my wife for 11 years, and nobody can hurt you as much as the one you love, and it is very easy to hurt the one who loves you. The terror of thinking you will lose it all is even worse than rejection.

(Personally, I think commitment is more important than love, because society teaches us to confuse love with infatuation.)

I would just try to find someone for an interesting and fun month and a half, take a break, then do it again. Love is too scary without first building a reservoir of strength.

But definitely don't put off low-risk, light romance until you "complete" your therapy, because you will be constantly improving yourself - that self-loving work is never done. You are ready now to practice recasting supposed "rejection" into something about the other person, not something about your worth has a human being. If you see the truth that you are not worth of rejection, then the actions of other cannot cut you so deep.

If you hate your weaknesses, then you must love your strengths. Your strengths are evident in your intelligence and compassion in the responses you write here. Please take care, it is wonderful to read your posts again on the message board!

[imperfectrhyme]

Your CBT therapist will probably emphasize thoughtful reflection and self-analysis as the tools to pick apart those negative thoughts you're having and help them dissolve. From what I've seen, a lot of the success in behavioral therapy stems from this epiphany: Most people have a lot of compassion but they need to learn to turn that compassion inwards.

No one wants to be alone. But before you enter something serious, you should feel ready for it, for his or her sake and yours. Another poster mentioned low-risk dating. But remember that dating is never no-risk, even when you put your emotional cards on the table. My advice from experience would be, if you find someone you really click with, proceed with caution, but always be working towards a goal of feeling like you truly deserve it.

You already realize that you have excessive negative thoughts about yourself; now focus in with your therapist about exactly how to quash them. Talk to your therapist about your readiness for dating. Ask the therapist questions. Make more goals. Then achieve them! (You do deserve love. Your future partner does. We all do.)

And in the meantime, try to turn that compassion inwards. Love yourself. I wish you the best of luck.