Hello everyone. My name is Marc and I'm originally from Chicago and returning to Chicago after a year of living in Portland, OR. Where to begin, well I was diagnosed with major depression back when I was a senior in highschool (I'm 28 now). Later on when my physciatrist past away, I discovered that I had been misdiagnosed and in reality had bipolar disorder with anxiety. After bouncing around on a few medications, I was put on Cymbalta for the longest time.
These days, I'm not seeing a therapist or taking medication. I want to be, but I don't have health insurance or a steady income to afford sessions and meds. I'm looking to change that once I get back to Chicago, though, as I'll be working a better paying job and allow me to revisit my former pyschiatrist and therapist.
The problems, recently, have been a trail mix of things. I moved out to Portland, OR for a job opportunity and because I loved the city. After a year of being here, the company I came out here for turned out to have a lot of problems with it and it treated it's employees very poorly. After a lot more ups and downs (living with an unstable room mate who had schizophrenia, the death of my remaining grandmother, being away from my family and friends, and being out of any steady work and not finding any up here), I had to make the choice of coming back to Chicago. This has made me very depressed because I love this town but there isn't any work. It feels like I'm slinking back home with my tail between my legs and that somehow I didn't "try hard enough" even though I have.
Isolation and a fear of people has also plagued me, causing me to feel like a hermit and unable to connect and develop strong friendships with people. I have friends, but none that I feel close to. I've always felt like the person who always had to remind people that I was alive and existed and wanted to do something vs. having someone get in touch with me.
Also, I've been having great fears of my parents and mentors of mine who are older passing away and leaving me alone and without their guidence. The fear that these people who I feel so close to and who I feel understand me the most will not be around forever keeps spinning around in my head quite often.
Other fears and ailments include uneven sleeping (too much and shifted so that I'm up all night, and asleep most of the day), not having focus on things that I enjoy, that I have started things (deloping as a healthy emotional adult, better physical shape, my own passions and a business of my own) were all done TOO LATE and I'll never catch up and always feel several steps behind everyone else and things will never click. That I will be alone, and unable to be comfortable with just myself because I have been with myself for such a long time.
Can anyone relate? Am I alone?