I’m used to relying on my intellect. I’m no genius, but I have to survive on my wits, because my looks aren’t paying the bills. Over the course of my life, I mostly trusted my capacity to reason, as did co-workers and professors. So, once I went off my antidepressant meds, and OCD falsely told me that I was a pervert, a rapist, a murderer and about a million other things, you’d think I’d still be able to discern fact from fiction, and dismiss OCDs outrageous claims. Nope. For years, I viewed these strange thoughts and fears as the result of a moral flaw, as evil thoughts that made me crazy, but that I could not tell a soul about. I was eventually hospitalized for a week after my body could no longer handle the perfect storm of OCD, anxiety and depression.
I became paranoid, considering every hypothetical possibility. “What if I had uttered threats? Would the NSA hear me in my cell phone?” This thought would occur to me despite being in the midst of a prolonged period of silence.
Life gets really small when you’re afraid that everyone is listening to things that you didn’t say, but fear
In retrospect, I’ve struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. But I didn’t know what was wrong with me — or if anything was even wrong with me — and I certainly had no idea that I could feel any differently until I was nearly 25-years-old (I’m 32 now). That’s when I went to my doctor, spurred by my dad being diagnosed with depression. He had described to me how he felt and I recognized it as the same thing I had felt all my life — most notably, the sense of going through the motions of a life and not truly feeling much. He was prescribed Lexapro and it made a huge difference for him. My curiosity was piqued; I wanted to see if this pill could do anything for me.
It changed my life.
I remember swallowing the first pill before bed, hearing the doctor’s words echo, “It may take a month before you feel any effect.” — I had no faith and I felt hopeless that night. I woke up the next morning with something I would describe as a tiny “buzz” in my brain. It was as if a teensy switch
“If you haven’t done anything, then you have nothing to worry about.”
Right. In a perfect world that would be great. Oh sorry. Let me explain. Growing up as a black male, I have heard non-black males say that exact same thing to me. It is in reference to cops harassing black males. Ideally, that quote is correct. If you haven’t broken the law, you should not fear the police. You should see them as your friends. An organization that is out there to serve and protect us. Unfortunately, that is not the case. The following is one account of my run-ins with police officers.
My first major incident happened in 2002. I was at college and was studying for final exams which were in two days. I was a 19 year old freshman. It was approximately 1:45am. I was rather hungry, so I ordered a pizza. I paid for it over the phone with my credit card. I had done this many times before, so it was nothing new. Because I lived in a not so nice area of the campus, the pizza delivery guys wouldn’t actually come up to the room. We would have to go down and
I believe in stories. Stories are all that we are, individually, tribally, even as a race. Stories create the lives we live for good or ill, and after many retelling, stories can be hard to change. They may change, by accident, by tragedy, by force of will, but it ain’t easy.
Two years ago I was committed. It lasted 10 days. Ten days of safety that allowed me to break the cycle of alcohol abuse and suicidal ideation. I am still not sure if I wanted that. And since then it has been two years of sometimes doing what I am told. Mostly showing up, occasionally doing the right next thing. Just this past summer I acknowledged baby steps.
A year after being released, give or take, and just three weeks into a new living arrangement with strangers, I had an experience that made me pause. Like a frozen cod slapped against my numb face. I handled it well, as I can be stoic in times of crisis. Then a year went by, and my drinking escalated, and my scratching returned and I suspected it might be due to the approaching of the one year anniversary of that
Imagine the following scenario:
You walk into your primary care doctor’s office. You are feeling sick, weak, and unlike yourself. After describing your symptoms to the doctor, she smiles at you and says, “I think I have a general idea of what’s going on. I have about fifteen hypotheses about what is causing your distress. I am going to pick a hypothesis at random and treat it, hoping for the best. If I am wrong, we will try the next one.”
Wait, wait, wait, you may be thinking. Isn’t there a way to narrow this down before we embark on treatment that will be costly, time consuming, and may hurt me if it turns out to be the incorrect treatment.
Of course this does not happen because medical doctors rely on tests to better understand what is going on. Unless they test for bacteria, they may be treating a virus, and your illness may be prolonged. Medical tests narrow down the hypotheses about symptoms in order to find the root cause, which can then be treated more efficiently.
However, the same cannot be said about the counseling profession. Even if a counselor is an astute diagnostician, diagnosis tells very little
People are surprisingly bad at seeing minute details.
This has been what’s kept our species alive for so long. If our ancestors heard a lion roar and saw a large shape prowling in the grass, they couldn’t afford to stand there and filter through all of the information pouring in from their five senses. They had to take in enough to get a general picture so they could react in time. Those who saw the lion and made a run for it were much more likely to be able to continue to live and have babies, while the person going over every little detail coming in to them before coming to a generalization was likely to be lion food.
It’s been in our best interest to scan something, generalize and then react off of that generalization. We’ve become especially adept at doing with facial expressions, which is how we can tell if someone’s mad and might potentially hurt us, or if they’re happy and it’s safe to approach them. Without this very necessary evolutionary gift, we wouldn’t be likely to have been able to have a society, much less survive.
When you’re walking down the street, your brain is telling
I had an abortion four weeks ago. It’s hard to describe how I feel about it. I don’t think there are many emotions in the human vocabulary I haven’t felt between the time I began to fear that I was pregnant to the present moment. I have had the wonderful fortune of a loving and open-minded boyfriend, immediate family, and close girlfriends who supported my decision to terminate the pregnancy, and yet I feel totally alone. Statistically I know that three out of ten American women has an abortion in her lifetime, and yet no one speaks about it. I have a history of anxiety and depression, and a heightened sensitivity to hormones, so the entire process has been extremely difficult, physically and emotionally.
I hardly know where to begin, but perhaps it will be most efficient to name some of the emotions and the thoughts attached to them:
Terror that if I had a baby my life would be ruined, that my boyfriend of only a few months abandon me to raise a child on my own, that I would be trapped in my dead end job indefinitely and doomed to live in poverty for the rest of my
Healing trauma through EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)
You know fear is a hell of a thing, and when you live with it constantly, you forget what it’s like to live any other way after a while. I have suffered with PTSD for nearly a decade. In my early twenties, I was kidnapped and sexually assaulted before I escaped with my life after 3 days. I’ll spare you the unpleasant details, as they don’t really matter in the long run. At least they don’t matter to me anymore.
Before the birth of my son at 32, I dealt with the fear through self-medication, mostly with alcohol and meaningless sex, but I always mixed it up with various drugs and binge eating. I suppose for a long time, I didn’t realize I had PTSD because I was in an emotional and physical fog. After my son was born though, and I didn’t have the choice to deal with my issues through alcohol, everything started to come to the surface. I was like a dormant volcano about to erupt. My emotions were out of control and I was living in almost constant fear. I was afraid to sleep and had