Author:Paul Gilmartin

Meghan Daum

The L.A. Times columnist talks with Paul about growing up and later rebelling in a household where music and academia were everything.  She talks about the pressure of starting a writing career in Manhattan and living a real-life Devil Wears Prada nightmare, where the idea of even living in a rundown building in a bohemian neighborhood became unattainable.   They talk about the epiphany of realizing her dreams were shallow, materialistic and unattainable, her move to Nebraska and the perspective and novel (The Quality of Life Report) that resulted.   A great episode for people who have a critical inner voice that never shuts up.   Meghan has written for The New YorkerHarper’s and Vogue and has contributed to This American Life.


Rob Delaney (Voted #4 Ep of 2012)

Twitter superstar Rob Delaney opens up to Paul about his hilariously horrifying alcoholic bottom, his crushing bouts of depression and how he has adapted to live with what might have killed most people.   How can you resist a story that involves nuns, toothbrushes and jail?



Which came first the hypochondria or the condition? The improvisor/actor  talks to Paul about the pain of losing her father at five and the plethora of physical pains she experiences that may or may not be self-induced. They also compare stories about what else? Anxiety over their genitalia, including her Vulvodinia, and the fear of not mattering.


Martin Willis

Martin’s southern Maine family has been dealing in antiques for decades.  Not to mention pent-up rage and mental illness.   The podcaster/painter/antique-appraiser who lent Paul a helping hand when he was getting this podcast off the ground opens up about what it took to stop the cycle of fathers unleashing their anger on their sons.


Alison Rosen

Writer, performer, t.v. host and sidekick on the Adam Carolla podcast, Alison has a life filled with successes.   So why can’t she feel it?  Why can’t she relax and enjoy her life?   Mammoth lies tiptoed around in childhood?  Growing up overweight?  Never being able to say the right thing at the right time?   Lots of good honest talk about relationships, parents and how to say what you mean.


Mike Eagle

Not many rappers list They Might Be Giants as their primary musical influence.  But Mike, who performs as “Open Mike Eagle”  isn’t like most rappers.   Labelled as Art Rap by the L.A. Times, Mike’s songs are thoughtful, wry and uncompromising.  He opens up about the struggle to fit in at a school for gifted children, the uncertainty of familial love in an unstable home, and the need to discuss the mental effects history has had on African Americans.


Lia McCord

What happens when a naiive Texas cheerleader from an abusive home tries to pay for college by smuggling heroin in Bangladesh?  Probably not what you think.  Though her story has been seen on National Geographic’s Locked Up Abroad, it only scratched the surface of who she was and who she has become.


Doug Benson

The standup comedian, star of Super High Me, co-creator of The Marijuanalogues and host of The Benson Interruption and Doug Loves Movies stops by to talk about his history with Paul, pot, parents and heartbreak.  And of course the special role that movies play in his life, especially in dealing with his sometimes smothering, worry-filled mother.


The Ego’s House of Cards

I mentioned in a previous blog that there was a time in my career when I thought if I could get my face on a billboard on Sunset Blvd. I would know I had officially made it in show business.

Before I had a t.v. show, Sunset Blvd. was like a candy store and I was looking through the window.  I could almost taste the candy.    It looked so fantastic to be that person on the billboard – huge – everyone looking up at you.   I was absolutely convinced there must be no greater feeling in the world than to be on one of those billboards, having your success broadcast 24 hours a day to the residents of Los Angeles, the capital of show business.

I eventually got a job co-hosting Dinner and a Movie on TBS.   A couple of years into the show’s run they put on a pretty big ad campaign; People Magazine, the Today Show, our faces on the side of a building in Manhattan, and yes, a billboard on Sunset Blvd.

I lost respect for Sunset Blvd.

I was living the old Groucho Marx joke “I’d never want to belong to a country club that would have someone like me as a member.”

What I didn’t realize at the time is I was experiencing a game the ego loves to play that can best be described as a house of cards.

The ego, which loves fantasizing about the future (and regretting the past), paints a picture that we can feast on because the present moment is too painful.   It tells us if we can just get this person place or thing we will be okay.   We will be happy.  Our anxiety will disappear.

We place so much value on this future happiness that we think of the present moment as something to get through.  We are impatient, easily aggravated and tune out the needs of everyone around us, except those we think can speed us towards our promised happiness.

It’s like we’re so fixated on our life having an orgasm of success, we forget we’re giving it a cold, mechanical handjob.

Floor by floor we are building the house of card and one of two things happens.

One: We fail to reach the fantasy/goal, and sadly we may live our whole lives thinking it would have saved us.  So we hold deep grudges against those who “got in our way”, our peers who achieved it, and ourselves for not attaining it.

Two: We achieve it and for a few seconds, maybe even a few months, there is a brief moment of ecstasy.  We stand back and admire the house of cards.   Our ego has gotten what it wanted.   We are temporarily satisfied.  We mistake the temporary glow of ego as true peace, true happiness.

But now that the ego is done building, it goes about its other natural activity – destroying.  It begins to shake the table holding the very house of cards it worked so hard to build.

It picks apart the person, place or thing we “won” – and with precision, because it built it.

Some of the thoughts that passed through my brain within 24 hours of seeing myself on a billboard on Sunset Blvd.: It’s on the wrong part of Sunset, it’s not near the nightclubs; my show isn’t on a major network; my show isn’t listed in TV Guide so its not even a real show.  I’m sharing the billboard with two other people so that’s not as good as being up there alone…

On and on, my ego shook the table until the house collapsed and I fell into a deep funk.

Years later, I learned that this is the game the ego plays and there is no winning with it.   There is no sense in trying to protect the table, though some people do.  Think of celebrities who engage in Twitter spats with complete strangers, or Bernie Madoff who went to unfathomable lengths to cling to his image as a trading guru.

Years ago, I remember watching Denzel Washington win his second Academy Award and thinking if I had a life like his I would be happier.    He then closed his acceptance speech by mentioning that he still had fewer awards than Sidney Poitier and will always be chasing him.  It struck me as odd at the time, but now that I know more about the ego it makes perfect sense.

His house of cards didn’t even survive the two minutes of an acceptance speech.

There are countless examples of people realizing their dream, and soon after becoming incredibly depressed.  I’m not surprised at all.   How can it not happen when your sense of self is wagered on a building that will be condemned?

Eric Clapton tells a story about reading the first bad review he got in Rolling Stone magazine.  Up till that point people were literally spray-painting “Clapton is God” all over London.   His ego bought into it.  Rolling Stone critic Jon Landau said his style was full of blues clichés.  When Clapton read the review, he fainted.

We all look at the driven billionaire and think, “Why are you still an angry workaholic?”

Because no material accomplishment can ever fully satisfy what the human being really wants which is to feel loved and connected to other human beings, not better than them.

I think fame makes true love more difficult, because most people equate fame with importance.   So subconsciously we feel famous people are more important. Being loved by strangers who are impressed with your accomplishments isn’t real love. It’s adulation but that’s the only kind of love the ego can comprehend.

I’m probably lucky I’ve never been genuinely famous.   I would have to hire someone just to catch me when I faint.

I can’t win with my ego, so I try to recognize where it injects itself into my life, and it’s pretty much everywhere all the time.

As I type this, my ego hopes it goes viral.   I wrote that last sentence to bust myself – to shine a light on my ego as it started to unroll some blueprints.

Adulation fills in for love the way a great song is represented by Muzak.   It kinda sounds like it, but it ain’t it.

I have never found any profound, lasting peace from recognition or adulation, but our media keeps making it look so awesome.

I’ve found peace by connecting to people; by laughing about how alike we really are and how ridiculous we look trying to prove otherwise.

What house of cards are you building right now?

What fantasy or obsession do you cling to so you can escape feeling your life at this moment?