The Power of Shame and Secrets
I’m in a funk. I don’t want help. I don’t want the healthy solution. I want the unhealthy distraction.
I want some fucking excitement.
I’m sad. Not suicidal. Just flat. Nebraska flat.
I felt so whole a while back and now I feel like a part of me is gone. I don’t know what happened. Am I doing something wrong or is it just my brain chemistry? I haven’t changed my meds.
This is the part of depression that really fucking sucks.
I ACHE to get out of this feeling. I can feel my inner-addict trying to break out of the healthy way I’ve been living – because sometimes it feels like jail. Most times it feels awesome. But today it feels like jail.
I know listening to other people’s shame and secrets is good for the show, but it’s addicting. It’s an escape for me. I can turn anything into a fantasy, and I often find myself triggered by people’s secrets. I feel like I’m walking a tightrope. It’s good for the show, but I can become addicted to it. I’m using it to jump-start my emotions. Being privy to other people’s secrets is REALLY exciting when I’m flat.
In particular women’s shame and secrets. I’ve always had a voyeur/exhibitionist streak in me, and while I usually feel healthy and helpful when dealing with women and their secrets, it can be triggering. I grew up without sisters. I was a late bloomer sexually, so for the first 20 years of my life girls and women were mysterious and powerful and it left a strong imprint on me. A cute girl wasn’t just on a pedestal – I gave elevated status to the people she ASSOCIATED with.
I think when I’m privy to a woman’s deepest shame and secrets it can be intoxicating because it was the Holy Grail when I was in puberty. It was the inner sanctum. And let’s be honest. Most of us have a lot of shit left over from puberty. Hell, middle school. Maybe I should just speak for myself.
Here’s the weird part. Three fantasies get triggered when I read or hear certain shames or secrets involving females.
1) Run of the mill sex stuff. It’s usually about me being in a position of control or in a position of submission. Sometimes it’s me, sometimes its younger me. Sometimes much younger me.
2) Being comforted. Totally non-sexual. The same fantasy I had when I was in first grade; an older girl on the playground would see my sadness and wrap her arms around me and let me cry. I would feel protected by her – understood. I would feel safe and loved unconditionally.
3) A combination of the two. I know. Fucking weird. The comforting leads to her taking control of me sexually. I would be completely under her control, but she would treat me well.
I was sharing these feelings with a woman who felt very safe to me. She then shared something that made me feel less freakish. She is a rape victim and she has sexual fantasies about being raped. She said that her therapist told her it’s quite common. It obviously doesn’t mean she wants to be raped again, its her way of emotionally reliving the experience but giving her consent – a way of going back in time and CHOOSING to give her consent, so it can’t be taken away.
I was blown away. It made sense. I was so grateful for her honesty. And of course because she let me in on a deep secret, I also felt triggered; a feeling of intense neediness and wanting to give her my power.
This human being shit is COMPLICATED. God Bless my wife.
I’m a little embarrassed to post all this, but I think it might help someone to talk about it, like it’s helped me.
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