Author:Paul Gilmartin

Jenny R: Raised in Wealth, Sadness & Anxiety

The anxious only child of a drunk/rager mom and a passive dad shares about her family’s combination of material wealth and emotional ignorance/poverty. She talks about her fear of “just being” instead of always “doing”, including triathlons & rock climbing, her ongoing battles with disordered eating -especially binging- , her all-or-nothing thinking and struggles with intimacy while being married and having a family.

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp online therapy.  To learn more (and get your first week free) go to www.betterhelp.com/mental

This episode is sponsored by MadisonReed.  For 10% your first hair color kit plus free shipping go to www.Madison-Reed.com and use offer code HAPPY

This episode is sponsored by Movement Watches.  Get 15% off today (with free shipping and free returns) by going to www.MVMTWatches.com/mental

This episode is sponsored by ZipRecruiter.  To post jobs for free go to www.ZipRecruiter.com/first

Support the podcast by becoming a monthly donor (for as little as $1/month and get rewards from Paul) at Patreon.   www.patreon.com/mentalpod

For info on Paul’s upcoming live podcast shows in the Bay Area Feb 22 & Feb 23 go to www.eastbayexpress.com/mental

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I Can’t Stand Up To My Sexually Abusive Dad & I’m 29: Nikki’s Story

I think most people are aware of or can imagine, how awful it is to experience abuse. For me and a lot of survivors that’s just the beginning of a long, isolating, painful journey. My dad started sexually abusing me around 10, I’m 29 now. I was a pretty quiet, shy, nervous kid naturally but that became debilitating once the abuse started. I was sure my mom was going to blame me and I would be in trouble if I told her what my dad was doing. I was the type of kid that hated getting in trouble so I usually followed the rules. 

My mom was extremely critical and judgmental. A lot of mundane problems were a lose-lose situation for me. I felt like I had to hide everything from her. Confiding in her either meant she’d brush it off, “your too young to be stressed”, or telling the extended family that came over for lunch, and having a good laugh. Even something as human as covering my face when I cried, got ridiculed. 

Whenever someone asks “when did the abuse stop?”, I can’t really answer that question. I feel so frustrated and ashamed that I don’t have the right answer. There’s hasn’t been a defining moment where I stood up to my dad or told my mom. To me it feels like it hasn’t stopped.

The circumstances are different and the abuse has evolved but I can’t seem to stop it. My dad is still inappropriate whenever he gets a moment alone with me and even if he isn’t it’s always in the back of my mind. I feel completely responsible for how many years this has happened. If I had told my dad “no” whenever he asked if I was ok with what happened. Or confided in my mom it could have stopped a lot sooner. I let it go on and still do. I feel like a traitor and so pathetic by being in therapy or sharing my story when I do nothing to keep it from happening again. 

I’ve told myself I didn’t speak up as a kid because my dad would go to jail, ruining their marriage and leaving my siblings without a dad. That’s easier than admitting I was too scared and powerless to say anything. There’s so many “what ifs” that keep me quiet today. What if no one believes me or thinks it wasn’t inappropriate and I’m just exaggerating and need to get over it. Or worse what if they do believe me and it tears apart my whole family. 

I’m not really sure where I go from here or what path I’ll end up taking. I wanted to end this on an uplifting, positive note about my story but it’s still unfolding. For now it’s just one day at a time. 

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Working With Sexually Violent Predators: Renee G-M

The 40 year-old public administrator talks about “losing her humanity” being assigned to work on a criminal defense unit on behalf of sexually violent predators and the anxiety, panic and breakdowns that followed.   She also talks about her chaotic and abusive upbringing which included her father molesting her brother, domestic violence and her coping by becoming a rescuer.

This episode is sponsored by the online therapy provider BetterHelp.com  To try out a week of counseling for free go to www.BetterHelp.com/mental, fill out the questionnaire and get matched with a counselor, to see if it’s right for you.

This episode is sponsored by the one-stop wedding registry Zola.  Receive $50 when you register and use Zola.  Go to www.Zola.com/mental for details.

This episode is sponsored by MadisonReed.  For 10% off your first hair color kit (plus free shipping) go to www.Madison-Reed.com and use offer code HAPPY

Consider becoming a recurring monthly donor to the podcast (and receive free rewards from Paul) go to www.Patreon.com/mentalpod

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Neal Brennan

The writer and director of Inside Amy Schumer, co-creator of Chapelle’s Show and standup comic (3 Mics coming soon on Netflix) talks about being one of ten kids raised by a violent alcoholic father and his struggles today with trusting his feelings and needs and dealing with his anger especially with partners.  He also talks about his relationship with Dave Chapelle and the conflicts and emotions he experienced when Dave decided to stop doing the show.

Neal’s standup special 3 Mics debuts Jan 17th on Netflix
Follow Neal on Twitter @NealBrennan

This episode is sponsored by the online therapy service BetterHelp For a free week of counseling go to www.BetterHelp.com/mental and fill out a questionnaire.

This episode is sponsored by ZipRecruiter To post jobs for free go to www.ZipRecruiter.com/first

This episode is sponsored by Madison-Reed For 10% off your first hair color kit (and free shipping) go to www.Madison-Reed.com and use offer code HAPPY

This episode is sponsored by BlueApron. To get your first 3 meals free (with free shipping) go to www.BlueApron.com/mental

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Male Sex Abuse Survivor Websites

 

Male Survivor web sites 

Here is an excellent list of organizations that comes from MaleSurvivor.org, a group committed to preventing, healing, and eliminating all forms of sexual victimization of boys and men through support, treatment, research, education, advocacy, and activism.

1in6 – offers a wealth of information and resources on its website, including an online helpline and a lending library, for men who have experienced unwanted or abusive childhood sexual experiences and those who care about them. Their site is for men at various stages of seeking information and help, including those who don’t see themselves as “survivors” or their experiences as “abuse.” 1in6 also provides trainings for therapists and other professionals.
www.1in6.org

The Gatehouse is a community-based agency in the west end of Toronto which offers a wide range of services for victims of child abuse and their families — notably peer-facilitated support groups for men sexually abused as boys.
www.thegatehouse.org

Gay Men’s Domestic Violence Project – 1 in 4 Gay Men Experience Domestic Violence. Gay Men’s Domestic Violence Project is a grassroots, non-profit organization founded by a gay male survivor of domestic violence and developed through the strength, contributions and participation of the community. Gay Men’s Domestic Violence Project supports victims and survivors through education, advocacy and direct services.
www.gmdvp.org

John Howard Society – Supporting Adult Men – Male Adult Survivors of Abuse, Substance Abuse, Harm Reduction, Domestic Violence and Anger Management.
www.johnhowardtor.on.ca 

Male Survivors of Sexual Assault
 – Sessions are free and confidential at the Sexual Assault Crisis Center, 1 Dock St., Suite 320, Stamford, Conn.
Call 203-348-9346 or 24-hour hotline, 203-329-2929
www.stamfordadvocate.com/default/article/ 

Male Survivors Sexual Abuse & Male Rape Survivors Support
http://www.aest.org.uk/survivors/male/

Men Thriving – a member’s only bulletin board for those over 21 years old – requires registration and adherence to strict rules of conduct – connect and share with other males survivors of child abuse
www.menthriving.org

The Men’s Project, based in Ottawa ON, offers a wide range of individual and group services for men, including men who’ve been sexually abused. www.themensproject.ca

The Silence to Hope Project – focus on assisting male sexual abuse survivors who have been sexually victimized by representative of the Catholic Church in this part of South Western Ontario
www.rcec.london.on.ca/abuse/SilenceHopeHealing.htm

The Victims Resource Center provides a wide range of services to men, women and children who are victims of crime. These services include a 24-hour hotline, support groups, counseling and advocacy for victims. VRC also provides numerous educational programs for students of all ages, professionals and community groups. The Victims Resource Center is private, confidential and it’s services are free. If you or someone you know is a victim of crime, VRC can help. We guide clients toward the path of healing.
www.vrcnepa.org/index.php

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Why Am I A Mess? My Parents Loved Me – Amanda Bloom

The 30 year-old freelance journalist and Pilates teacher doesn’t have anything dramatic to point to in her life, yet she has struggled to find her voice in life with bad relationships, eating disorders, depression, body dysmorphia, and intense fears of rejection and feeling excluded.  Paul and Amanda peel back the layers to try to find out what’s underneath.

To learn more about Amanda, go to www.AmandaBloom.com
Follow her on Twitter @AmandaJBloom

This episode is sponsored by ZipRecruiter.com Listeners can post jobs for free by going to www.ziprecruiter.com/first

To become a monthly donor to the podcast (and get the occasional reward from Paul) go to www.Patreon.com/mentalpod

To donate Frequent Flyer miles to the podcast go to http://mentalpod.com/donate

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Punk Rock, Trauma & EMDR – Dr Stephen Dansiger

At 16 he was playing drums at CBGB and Max’s Kansas City as the punk scene exploded. After destroying his career (Pianosaurus, King Missile) he got sober. The PsyD & MFT explains his extensive work with treating trauma victims (especially those with addictions) by using EMDR. He talks about the difficulty people have in calling what happened to them “trauma” and why the label isn’t important.  He shares his personal experiences and insights about bullying, Buddhism, self-sabotage, spirituality, depression and what being a “good person” means to him.

Dr. Dansiger can be found at www.drdansiger.com

Check out this new book Clinical Dharma

Follow him on Twitter @DrDansiger

This episode is sponsored by the magazine app Texture. For a 14 day free trail go to www.texture.com/mental

This episode is sponsored by TalkSpace. For $30 off your first month of online therapy go to www.TalkSpace.com/mihh and use offer code MIHH

For info on how to donate frequent flyer miles to the podcast go to http://mentalpod.com/archives/4307

To support the podcast as a monthly donor (and get rewards from Paul) go to www.patreon.com/mental

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Transferring Frequent Flyer Miles to The Podcast

I really want to start recording people outside of America but need financial help to make it happen.   Transferring frequent flyer miles would be a big, big help as airfare is pretty expensive.

There are three major airline alliances I belong to that allow you to transfer them.  Transfer is the term most use since I am not a non-profit.  When it’s a non-profit they usually call it donating and if you’re buying miles to give to someone they call that gifting miles.

You can transfer miles to the podcast by logging into the website of the airline that contains the miles you want to transfer from.  If you’re not registered on their website yet you might have to do that.  Having a FF account doesn’t automatically register you on their website. (you might also be able to do all of this over the phone).

It’s really simple and straight forward once you’re logged in.  This is all the info you need.

My Name:Paul Gilmartin

My Frequent Flyer #  (I’ve listed them below for each alliance)

Number of Miles You’re Transferring: (some have per year maximums)

My email address:  dogpictures@mac.com

I don’t think it matters if your miles are from another airline as long as both our accounts are within the same alliance.

1.  OneWorld alliance partners (American, British Airways, Air Berlin, Qantas, Air Japan, Iberia, and Finnair)

American is the OneWorld alliance member I have a FF# with.  It’s FNB7526 

The link to transfer miles to my American account is https://buymiles.americanairlines.com/en/share/info

2. SkyTeam alliance partners (Aeroflot, Aerolineas Argentinas, AeroMexico, Air Europa, Air France, Alitalia, China Airlines, China Eastern, China Southern, Czech Airlines, Delta, Garuda Indonesia, Kenya Airways, KLM, Korean Air, Middle Eastern Airlines, Saudia, Tarom, Vietnam Airlines and Xiamen Airlines)

  My FF# is with Delta and it’s 2287664086   

The link to transfer miles to my Delta account is https://www.delta.com/buygftxfer/displayTransferMiles.action

3. StarAlliance partners (Aegean Airlines, Air Canada, Air China, Air India, Air New Zealand, ANA, Austrian, Avianca, Avianca in Brazil, Brussels, Copa, Lufthansa, SAS, Singapore Airlines, THAI, Turkish, United)

My FF# is with United and it’s CL331372

The link to transfer miles to my United account is here https://buymiles.mileageplus.com/mileage-plus/en-US/transfer

Thank you so much, it really help!

Paul

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Glamorously Dying: Ex-Model Nikki DuBose

The 31 year-old ex-model (Vogue, Vanity Fair) discusses surviving incest by her mother (who was also an alcoholic with BiPolar and DID aka Multiple Personality Disorder) and a lifetime of battling eating disorders (binging, bulimia, anorexia), depression, anxiety, psychosis, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, alcoholism and drug and sex addiction. She reflects on the physical and emotional bottom that finally made her walk away from modeling and seek help, ironically as her emaciated body was more desirable than ever in the industry.

Follow Nikki on Twitter @TheNikkiDubose

Buy her new book Washed Away: From Darkness to Light

Buy it also on Kindle Washed Away: From Darkness to Light – Kindle Version

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